A lack of imagination
Weekly notes
Howdy fellow human!
This week’s notes:
1.
Haruki Murakami’s collection of essays ‘Novelist As A Vocation’ reflecting on his creative journey left me a little emotional. It seems Haruki is an example of someone who follows their own lead, and doesn’t apologise for it.
2.
Whenever I come across someone sharing a lived experience I have also experienced and they absolutely nail the description or explanation, I feel a little bit less ‘different’ inside. This is how I felt about this video about reading without an imagination. It connected dots for me. I have been trying to determine whether I have aphantasia - meaning an “inability to visualise, otherwise known as image-free thinking”. You might ask: “Well isn’t that obvious? You must know?” And, well, I’d understand your curiosity - but, the thing is, I’ve become so profoundly good at gaslighting myself that I struggle to believe anything I think to be true about myself. So when I stumble across a person’s lived experience and they connect the dots for me it’s validating: yes, I do have aphantasia. It explains a lot.
3.
Now I know (and believe myself) about having aphantasia, I am seeing all of the ways it impacts my creative practice. Namely, however hard I try I can’t draw from memory or imagination! I have to draw from reference. So I have decided to embrace this fact and simply enjoy drawing what I see, as opposed to berating myself for finding it (literally) impossible to come up with imagery from my own mind. I’m starting off with a study of various illustrators I love. I made a list of five illustrators, including Philip Lindeman, Poppy Crew, and Majasbok, and a list of various types of things I would like to draw - then I copied each illustrators style in drawing those things. Of course this work will never be called my own - it is not, it is theirs - but it was fun and great practice.
4.
I am deeply and madly in love with my mini-printer. Now my journal is full of little pictures of special, amongst the ordinary, days - visual reminders of the little things that make up a life. My brain doesn’t have an easy time recalling memories because of the whole aphantasia thing, amongst other reasons, so this repository of visual cues makes me very happy.
5.
Diary entry - 19th February
Sometimes when I wake up my body whispers 'stay'. It is difficult to know if this is because I actually need rest or my mind is playing tricks on me. This morning was one of those mornings. My mattress was clinging on to me so tight I almost didn't make it to the beach. Overcast, misty, drizzly - I thought to myself, why bother?
The most simple of decisions - I either stay here where it's comfortable, or I make a little effort and get outside - can leave me confused. It's not as simple as knowing that pulling myself away from the confines of my bedroom and into fresh air will 'always be a good idea'. It's complicated, really - I spent so much of my life distancing myself from how I feel that it's become easy to feel confused about what I need. Whether or not to get out of bed and go to the beach might seem like a simple decision for some, but for me it comes with a host of factors to consider. Do I have the energy? What do I need to do for the rest of the day? What is this feeling in my body telling me to stay in bed? Is it because I need to sleep more or is it because I am under-stimulated? If I go to the beach, how will I feel afterwards?
I can build up a web of patterns that help me judge the answers to these questions, but I can never know for certain before landing on a decision. I guess it’s a process of learning to read myself and trust my gut. I might not get grades in return, but sometimes I receive moments of pure autistic joy on the other side of the decision. It so happens, this morning I think I made a good call.
6.
Your special interests are cool, actually.
7.
I'm trying out a new pocket notebook because the Fieldnotes brand is so expensive. I'm done paying extra just for brand, especially for pocket notebooks that I get through so quickly and get beat up in my pocket. Don't get me wrong, Fieldnotes are lovely notebooks, but for what I use them for (daily thoughts/doodles/writing) I think a cheap notebook will do. I found this memo book at the post office for 89p.
8.
Mary Oliver needs no introduction and yet this week marks the first time I intentionally sat down to read one of her poetry books. In particular, “Poem Of The One World”, stopped me in my tracks. That’s the beauty of poetry, I find - you can never tell which words are going to spark recognition in you in that moment.
9.
Seth Godin on London Writer’s Salon Podcast on letting go of trying to control the outcomes of creative work: “simply do the work and what happens, happens”. Here are the rest of my notes.
If you have any questions for me for our February Q&A, let me know here!
Sending you love until next time!
Charlie
xoxo
I'm aphantasic too! I wrote this article on it a few years ago after finding out about it, but couldn't believe how much sense things made once it clicked - things like being kicked off my Mandarin course at university because I couldnt memorise all the characters, no matter how hard I tried. But then after the relief, the grief and loss I felt was real too. Be kind to yourself.
Anyway, super interesting topic. Apparently it's also more common in NDs, but that could be hearsay. Here if you ever wanna chat more about it! 💜
https://passionpassport.com/traveling-with-aphantasia/
Beach looks sublime 😌 ditto to the not knowing what my body is saying, trying to say and never quite knowing which decision will be restorative/reenergising or go the other way. All a practice isn't it.
Curious with the aphantasia, do you ever see anything when you listen to music?