I used to have this feeling all the time too! I used to imagine what people did in their internal lives, when they were at home on their own, and I loved knowing there were endless possibilities and vast, complex view this would give me about the world.
Lately I’ve lost this feeling too and I feel disconnected to people and the world around me, that feeling of wonder has left me to the point I’m finding it hard to know what to say to people or find what they are saying to me interesting.
I honestly think this is due to my overconsumption of social media- everyone sharing every aspect of their lives online has removed the mystery around the endless possibilities of who someone is, what they are thinking and how they are living their lives.
In the last few weeks, I’ve deleted TikTok and Instagram and can slowly feel my sonder creeping back in, phew!
I totall agree re social media Iona! I think it has diminished people's curiosity and interest in asking questions of the people around them. So happy to hear sonder is starting to revisit you!
I enjoyed reading this. I too used to experience 'sonder' often - though I didn't have a name for it. Since being in autistic burnout I haven't experienced it. My mind seems focused inwards and also dissociated from the world, while I think that sonder is a kind of spreading awareness outward from the self.
Since being diagnosed autistic I wondered if sonder is specific to the neurodivergent experience, perhaps related to differences in theory of mind? I've noticed how I find it difficult to be present with my own feelings, needs etc and also consider another person's at the same time (it's either one or the other), so thought maybe sonder was related to this?
That's a super interesting point! I definitely relate, and it makes a lot of sense - especially with our tendency to have open and sensitive nervous systems.
On your point about autistic burnout, I too didn't experience sonder during burnout - which also makes sense as during that time our bodies are fighting to preserve themselves and shut out as much overstimulating external stimuli as possible.
I love your writing. I think we feel connected to these people we’ve never met because we ARE them in a way - based on the idea that we’re all universal consciousness experiencing itself. Some of us can feel it more deeply - maybe more so when we’re connected to ourselves.
Your videos are my absolute favorite!! They are so soothing, validating, and insightful. I imagine they take so much work to put together (and lots of vulnerability)—-I’m excited to be able to watch them here ❤️❤️❤️sending hugs on your continued journey of self-discovery, self-care, and balancing that with your incredible strengths.
😘🥰 it delights me to know that you enjoy my videos!! I love making them but they do take a lot of energy - I don't like to share when I don't feel like there is a 'point' and constantly excavating my emotions for content is not healthy. I think sharing them here as-and-when I make them in my favourite space on the internet will be a lovely balance.
I very much relate to what you said about needing to feel like there is a "point" to sharing. I've abandoned many a creative idea because it didn't feel like it had enough meaning--I think many of us autists need to feel deep meaning to invest in something. Most of the time, I see this as a strength
Your video helped me feel so calm today, Charlie. Thank you.
I have one channel that I use YouTube for these days (can I let it go?!) and am nowhere else online, as you I had what can only be described as an addiction and now have to be incredibly careful. So having everything in one place, here on Substack (for as long as I can keep my use here in check!) is so lovely.
That's wonderful to hear Luisa, you're so welcome! I feel the same way about Substack - I'm really trying to be careful about the parameters I have in place to use it so that I don't abuse the more 'social media' type functions it offers. Good luck to us!!
Oh yes! Sonder is such a beautiful, bittersweet feeling. So expansive and so small at the same time. It reminds me of how I feel when I lie on my back in the middle of nowhere looking at the stars and imagining all the far-away places and wonders that exist out there that I'll never see or know about.
I am a total introvert through-and-through, and can't bear to live in a city anymore, but I used to love walking around the streets in the dark, imagining everyone's lives. Stopping outside a bar or restaurant full of people. The windows fogged up where the warmth from the inside met the coolness outside.
So happy you enjoyed this one Cassie, and thank you for sharing your experiences of sonder - I live in London and when I'm out in the evening (which is rarely!!) particularly in the Spring and Summer months when the sun is just setting but there's still lots of people out I find that the sonder is strong!
To me the wild cacophony’s of human presence, their stories and absorption are all around us and yet there maybe the necessary boundaries of allowing those stories to take shape and become understood each to his or her’s own time. What is between us though is the varying degrees of trust and the pain of trust breached that enables our stories to be fully felt and shared albeit at least in part.
Did you ever see Wings of Desire? (the original one, Wim Wenders) One of my faves, and the word Sonder makes me think of the way the angels could hear everything in everyone’s minds all at once, and how they would listen and comfort people even though most of them couldn’t sense the angels’ presence.
I'm very familiar with sonder. I spent a lot of time as a kid observing people and daydreaming (sometimes about them) too. I've been noticing this feeling again recently as well, and I'm wondering if it's because I've been trying to be more present and spending less time online. I think I just have more space to reflect on what's going on around me and thing of other people.
I totally agree! I'm wondering if it has to do with the very important act of day dreaming and 'wandering' that our minds do when we're not constantly distracted.
I also sonder, a great new word today! I wonder about where they’re going, what they’re doing and who they have in their lives. Sometimes I look at their clothes and imagine them choosing them out. Or I’ll imagine where they’re coming from or to. I’ll try and guess relationships between groups of people. Or I love listening in airports or tourist spots and try to guess the language they’re speaking. 💚
I found Sonder due to Dermot Kennedys album named the same - beautiful songs - which led me to getting the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows last month, it's a wonderful book.
I used to have this feeling all the time too! I used to imagine what people did in their internal lives, when they were at home on their own, and I loved knowing there were endless possibilities and vast, complex view this would give me about the world.
Lately I’ve lost this feeling too and I feel disconnected to people and the world around me, that feeling of wonder has left me to the point I’m finding it hard to know what to say to people or find what they are saying to me interesting.
I honestly think this is due to my overconsumption of social media- everyone sharing every aspect of their lives online has removed the mystery around the endless possibilities of who someone is, what they are thinking and how they are living their lives.
In the last few weeks, I’ve deleted TikTok and Instagram and can slowly feel my sonder creeping back in, phew!
I totall agree re social media Iona! I think it has diminished people's curiosity and interest in asking questions of the people around them. So happy to hear sonder is starting to revisit you!
I enjoyed reading this. I too used to experience 'sonder' often - though I didn't have a name for it. Since being in autistic burnout I haven't experienced it. My mind seems focused inwards and also dissociated from the world, while I think that sonder is a kind of spreading awareness outward from the self.
Since being diagnosed autistic I wondered if sonder is specific to the neurodivergent experience, perhaps related to differences in theory of mind? I've noticed how I find it difficult to be present with my own feelings, needs etc and also consider another person's at the same time (it's either one or the other), so thought maybe sonder was related to this?
I'd be interested if anyone relates.
That's a super interesting point! I definitely relate, and it makes a lot of sense - especially with our tendency to have open and sensitive nervous systems.
On your point about autistic burnout, I too didn't experience sonder during burnout - which also makes sense as during that time our bodies are fighting to preserve themselves and shut out as much overstimulating external stimuli as possible.
I love your writing. I think we feel connected to these people we’ve never met because we ARE them in a way - based on the idea that we’re all universal consciousness experiencing itself. Some of us can feel it more deeply - maybe more so when we’re connected to ourselves.
Love this take Lisa. I feel that too.
Your videos are my absolute favorite!! They are so soothing, validating, and insightful. I imagine they take so much work to put together (and lots of vulnerability)—-I’m excited to be able to watch them here ❤️❤️❤️sending hugs on your continued journey of self-discovery, self-care, and balancing that with your incredible strengths.
😘🥰 it delights me to know that you enjoy my videos!! I love making them but they do take a lot of energy - I don't like to share when I don't feel like there is a 'point' and constantly excavating my emotions for content is not healthy. I think sharing them here as-and-when I make them in my favourite space on the internet will be a lovely balance.
I very much relate to what you said about needing to feel like there is a "point" to sharing. I've abandoned many a creative idea because it didn't feel like it had enough meaning--I think many of us autists need to feel deep meaning to invest in something. Most of the time, I see this as a strength
I would agree - I think it's a really beautiful trait :)
Your video helped me feel so calm today, Charlie. Thank you.
I have one channel that I use YouTube for these days (can I let it go?!) and am nowhere else online, as you I had what can only be described as an addiction and now have to be incredibly careful. So having everything in one place, here on Substack (for as long as I can keep my use here in check!) is so lovely.
That's wonderful to hear Luisa, you're so welcome! I feel the same way about Substack - I'm really trying to be careful about the parameters I have in place to use it so that I don't abuse the more 'social media' type functions it offers. Good luck to us!!
Oh yes! Sonder is such a beautiful, bittersweet feeling. So expansive and so small at the same time. It reminds me of how I feel when I lie on my back in the middle of nowhere looking at the stars and imagining all the far-away places and wonders that exist out there that I'll never see or know about.
I am a total introvert through-and-through, and can't bear to live in a city anymore, but I used to love walking around the streets in the dark, imagining everyone's lives. Stopping outside a bar or restaurant full of people. The windows fogged up where the warmth from the inside met the coolness outside.
Loved reading this. Thank you for the reminder 💜
So happy you enjoyed this one Cassie, and thank you for sharing your experiences of sonder - I live in London and when I'm out in the evening (which is rarely!!) particularly in the Spring and Summer months when the sun is just setting but there's still lots of people out I find that the sonder is strong!
T S Elliot sums this up .
I am moved by fancies that are curled
Around these images, and cling:
The notion of some infinitely gentle
Infinitely suffering thing.
Wipe your hand across your mouth, and laugh;
The worlds revolve like ancient women
Gathering fuel in vacant lots.
——
To me the wild cacophony’s of human presence, their stories and absorption are all around us and yet there maybe the necessary boundaries of allowing those stories to take shape and become understood each to his or her’s own time. What is between us though is the varying degrees of trust and the pain of trust breached that enables our stories to be fully felt and shared albeit at least in part.
Did you ever see Wings of Desire? (the original one, Wim Wenders) One of my faves, and the word Sonder makes me think of the way the angels could hear everything in everyone’s minds all at once, and how they would listen and comfort people even though most of them couldn’t sense the angels’ presence.
Oh I love this!!
I'm very familiar with sonder. I spent a lot of time as a kid observing people and daydreaming (sometimes about them) too. I've been noticing this feeling again recently as well, and I'm wondering if it's because I've been trying to be more present and spending less time online. I think I just have more space to reflect on what's going on around me and thing of other people.
I totally agree! I'm wondering if it has to do with the very important act of day dreaming and 'wandering' that our minds do when we're not constantly distracted.
I also sonder, a great new word today! I wonder about where they’re going, what they’re doing and who they have in their lives. Sometimes I look at their clothes and imagine them choosing them out. Or I’ll imagine where they’re coming from or to. I’ll try and guess relationships between groups of people. Or I love listening in airports or tourist spots and try to guess the language they’re speaking. 💚
This is so familiar, I love that this is an experience that bonds us ❤️
Me too 🫶
Stunning piece of writing. Thank you ❤️
That's so kind Jen thank you! 🙏
I found Sonder due to Dermot Kennedys album named the same - beautiful songs - which led me to getting the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows last month, it's a wonderful book.
YES!! I nearly linked his album in this post 🥰 Wow I didn't realise it was a physical book - I'm so tempted to get my own now...
It's a beautiful book aesthetically and for it's contents - highly recommend
When I started university and then I did not have an English name yet, and I picked this word as my name :)
BEAUTIFUL!
Oh my - sonder - what a beautiful concept 💖
Love the video too 🥰🥰🥰
Thank you Natasha 🥰