Am I having an identity crisis?!

Pondering why I have such a poor sense of self...

Hello,

I’d like to start this week’s letter by pausing to ask; how are you doing? As I become more embedded in the online world since quitting my corporate career as a lawyer, I am weighing up whether or not I wish to pursue some sort of work online in the future. One of the drawbacks so far seems to be this persistent icky feeling that I am talking into the ether, mostly about myself, and that that in itself is rather narcissistic! Or at least, I can see how it could become so. So every time I sit down to write a letter to you I remind myself that you too are sitting on the other side of a screen in all your humanness. And, I wonder, how you are doing, what your Sunday plans are, how your journey is going… Feel free to hit ‘reply’ and share a bit more about yourself. I am on holiday in Portugal this week and will have plenty of time to enjoy reading your letters!

So, as you will have gathered from the title of this letter, this week I have been thinking a lot about whether I am going through an identity crisis and what role social conditioning has had to play.

As this rewilding journey clearly evidences until I turned 30 I didn’t really know who I was (and I’m still very much working it out). Throughout my teens and 20s I always wondered how people knew, seemingly, who they were - mostly in the small things - like picking a favourite type of ice cream, or a favourite colour. I never had favourites, of anything. I never knew what I wanted to do with my time if someone gave me the option. It was a big thing for me.

Ultimately, I feel like I had no sense of ‘self’. And I believe that was in part due to the fact I was a victim of social conditioning. Now, we are all victims of social conditioning in the sense that most, if not all, of us live within a society.

Social conditioning is the process of training a person to act and respond in a way that is acceptable to society at large. For example, I remember being told how to act at a relative’s house and being told off for being too loud in public.

The reason why I think social conditioning is relevant is that it teaches a young person to look outside themselves for the answer as to how they should act in a social situation. For me, that grew into people pleasing almost all of the time. For example, in any social situation with my friends I felt deeply, almost compulsively, programmed to choose the answer to their question that would please them because I had a subconscious belief that social acceptance meant validation and connection.

Whilst in some ways I can see how social conditioning keeps us safe from being ostracized or rejected, over a long period of time I think it can contribute to the erosion of our sense of self which is dangerous for other reasons. So much so that I woke up at 30 and realised I’d not made a single conscious decision for myself.

The inspiring and exciting thing about this realisation is that because this is not a question of nature, I am hopeful that I can re-nurture myself to let go of the people pleasing and social conditioning (to whatever extent I am comfortable with) and tune in to myself. I guess that is what I am doing on this rewilding journey; learning to let go of pleasing others through socially accepted norms. It’s going to take a while, I know. This isn’t an overnight ‘fix’. And to some extent there will be no ‘fix’. I can’t undo the experiences I have already had in life. But I can learn how to approach situations in my future differently and, in time, hopefully develop a deep and resistant relationship with myself. I am also not going to go and live in a hut in the woods with no contact with society so of course I will be faced with societal conditioning for the rest of my life. But my new-found awareness is key.

As ever, these letters are rambling thoughts from a girl on the journey not a girl that has all the answers. So I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments or in a reply letter.

Sending love, and I hope you have a restful Sunday.

Charlie xxx