"My awareness is simultaneously the thing that allowed me at long last to take proper care of myself, and the thing that is causing me anxiety as I start to do more."
Thank you for sharing ♥️ As always, I am right in that place with you. Attempting to understand the nuanced space between pushing oneself and testing oneself, between tolerable and intolerable. Observing the glimmers. Honouring progress. Assessing risk. Noting what contributes to living rather than existing.
Sending so much love - one tentative step at a time 🥰
'noting what contributes to living rather than existing' - YES. And some of what I'm realising about what 'living' means to me is surprising. It's only by re-learning how to step out of my (now very large) comfort zone to see what I can and can't and do and don't want to do to really live my life that I can start to learn about myself even more with this new-found knowledge about my brain. It's scary but we are courageous :) Thank you for relating, as ever. ♡
Oh wow. It's like you're reading my mind. Last weekend, I attended my sister's wedding and it was the first time in a year that I slept away from home. I thoroughly prepared for it, also for being completely drained afterwards. Which I am. I know it was worth it, but recovering has been so uncomfortable, again. There's constantly anxiety lingering of not wanting to fall as deep as I did last year. And all those bodily sensations that I just started to decipher that are now again just an overwhelmingly chaotic mix. Nonetheless, I'm so glad I went. I'm glad to have experienced that I can manage to do hard things. It's so scary, but I think it's important to keep testing the waters to build confidence again in my body.
Oh my goodness - well done Tai - you did it and managed to share your sister's wedding day!!! I hope you're making a steady recovery. Lots of gentleness is needed now! 🫶
I couldn't agree more Tai, even though it's so so hard and requires a lot of courage - I'm really proud of us for doing hard things and endeavouring to look after ourselves in the process :) Thank you for sharing and I'm so happy for you that you got to be there for your sister on her big day too. ♡
Thank you Charlie for sharing your adventure! We're currently touring in France with our caravan and yesterday I had a big panic attack on the way to our next site, triggered I think by a van who bibbed his horn! I had a massive hiccup which made hubby jump, then tight chest etc. My hands feet and face were tingling so much that I actually looked up symptoms of a stroke - luckily I realised it wasn't one!! So my hubby (who is learning to be supportive) has taken as much pressure off me as possible and we're now by a beautiful lake. We will be staying for longer than originally planned to give me a chance to recover.
Oh Natasha I'm so so sorry you had a big panic attack - that must have been really challenging ♡ I hope you are feeling much recovered now a few days on, and am so very happy to hear you accommodated yourself with the support of your husband to give yourself a chance to re-regulate - that's huuuuuge and very inspiring! Bon voyage :)
Thanks Charlie - I'm definitely feeling better now! We moved to another lovely quiet site. This one has lots of trees - and we found a pitch under a beautiful oak tree. Last night we could hear frogs in the lake. I love gentle nocturnal sounds 🥰. I had a bit of anxiety on the way, but nipped it in the bud with propanonol from my GP. Phew!! I'm currently lying in my cosy caravan hugging my weighted blanket (I've discovered how you can bunch it up to make it heavier) and reading Substack. It feels great!! Xx
How wonderful!!!! 🥰 Well done you - sounds like an extremely gorgeous and cosy place to be. I'm just packing up myself to get back in my van and go for a night's solo by the sea! It's addictive to be so close to nature. Enjoy Substack :)
Solo!! How awesome! I admire that freedom and independence so much!! 🙌
I'm definitely a nature first person - we could admire a beautiful building, but if there's a gecko on it, or a bee on a flower I know what I'd be zooming in on!! 🦎🐝🪻
Thank you! I've only done it once before, but it's part of my 'you can do hard things' mantra at the moment because I find so much peace in it and actually being able to control exactly what I do and when and how is quite suited to me lol.
Oh absoluuuutely - the wind is rustling in the trees right now and it's making me unbelievably happy 😄
Trying to set my soul on fire (love that quote - thanks Charlie) without ignoring the warning signs of going back into burnout! Lots of love to you all xx
I'm so glad you felt joyful at the end of the day. Such respect for your progress, honouring your body, your senses and your longing to experience the elation of physical activity again. Have a restful day, keep taking care and love to the three of you 😘
Reading this a little late... I hope I'm right in saying this, but from your writing I feel like I can sense how gentle you're being with yourself during this process and it's reminding me to be kind to myself too. Your courage gives me courage, and I'm sure so many others feel the same ❤️
I love that, thank you Jodie - leaning into softness and understanding with myself is starting to make more sense to me now after months of practicing and reminding myself to be more self compassionate! I feel like it takes a lot of time to really start to embody it, and for me written words are a stepping stone :) ❤️
Love all the pics- especially Alfie at the end ❤️ So, I feel like we are very near each other on this journey. I am *finally* seeing measurable progress after so long in a mental and physical slog (no energy for much emotion...), and I’m constantly trying to find the balance between being overly cautious and pushing myself too hard. I made a list on my phone of the warning signs I’ve noticedA the ones that tell me I’m close to or over the edge. It’s things like: if I start dropping things, if I’m struggling to explain things of complete sentences, if I feel like I have a short fuse/start feeling overwhelmed, can’t make decisions, or struggle to process conversations. Those are my warning lights to rest in whatever way sounds/feels best. It’s a constant teeter-totter, but I can feel that it’s not moving as drastically up or down, and I want to
keep moving in that direction. Sending my best to you in hopes that you can keep feeling the improvement you’re looking for ❤️
Thank you for sharing ♥️ As always, I am right in that place with you. Attempting to understand the nuanced space between pushing oneself and testing oneself, between tolerable and intolerable. Observing the glimmers. Honouring progress. Assessing risk. Noting what contributes to living rather than existing.
Sending so much love - one tentative step at a time 🥰
'noting what contributes to living rather than existing' - YES. And some of what I'm realising about what 'living' means to me is surprising. It's only by re-learning how to step out of my (now very large) comfort zone to see what I can and can't and do and don't want to do to really live my life that I can start to learn about myself even more with this new-found knowledge about my brain. It's scary but we are courageous :) Thank you for relating, as ever. ♡
We are filled with boundless courage, even in the moments when we don’t feel it ♥️
Oh wow. It's like you're reading my mind. Last weekend, I attended my sister's wedding and it was the first time in a year that I slept away from home. I thoroughly prepared for it, also for being completely drained afterwards. Which I am. I know it was worth it, but recovering has been so uncomfortable, again. There's constantly anxiety lingering of not wanting to fall as deep as I did last year. And all those bodily sensations that I just started to decipher that are now again just an overwhelmingly chaotic mix. Nonetheless, I'm so glad I went. I'm glad to have experienced that I can manage to do hard things. It's so scary, but I think it's important to keep testing the waters to build confidence again in my body.
Oh my goodness - well done Tai - you did it and managed to share your sister's wedding day!!! I hope you're making a steady recovery. Lots of gentleness is needed now! 🫶
I couldn't agree more Tai, even though it's so so hard and requires a lot of courage - I'm really proud of us for doing hard things and endeavouring to look after ourselves in the process :) Thank you for sharing and I'm so happy for you that you got to be there for your sister on her big day too. ♡
Thank you Charlie for sharing your adventure! We're currently touring in France with our caravan and yesterday I had a big panic attack on the way to our next site, triggered I think by a van who bibbed his horn! I had a massive hiccup which made hubby jump, then tight chest etc. My hands feet and face were tingling so much that I actually looked up symptoms of a stroke - luckily I realised it wasn't one!! So my hubby (who is learning to be supportive) has taken as much pressure off me as possible and we're now by a beautiful lake. We will be staying for longer than originally planned to give me a chance to recover.
Oh Natasha I'm so so sorry you had a big panic attack - that must have been really challenging ♡ I hope you are feeling much recovered now a few days on, and am so very happy to hear you accommodated yourself with the support of your husband to give yourself a chance to re-regulate - that's huuuuuge and very inspiring! Bon voyage :)
Thanks Charlie - I'm definitely feeling better now! We moved to another lovely quiet site. This one has lots of trees - and we found a pitch under a beautiful oak tree. Last night we could hear frogs in the lake. I love gentle nocturnal sounds 🥰. I had a bit of anxiety on the way, but nipped it in the bud with propanonol from my GP. Phew!! I'm currently lying in my cosy caravan hugging my weighted blanket (I've discovered how you can bunch it up to make it heavier) and reading Substack. It feels great!! Xx
How wonderful!!!! 🥰 Well done you - sounds like an extremely gorgeous and cosy place to be. I'm just packing up myself to get back in my van and go for a night's solo by the sea! It's addictive to be so close to nature. Enjoy Substack :)
Solo!! How awesome! I admire that freedom and independence so much!! 🙌
I'm definitely a nature first person - we could admire a beautiful building, but if there's a gecko on it, or a bee on a flower I know what I'd be zooming in on!! 🦎🐝🪻
Thank you! I've only done it once before, but it's part of my 'you can do hard things' mantra at the moment because I find so much peace in it and actually being able to control exactly what I do and when and how is quite suited to me lol.
Oh absoluuuutely - the wind is rustling in the trees right now and it's making me unbelievably happy 😄
Trying to set my soul on fire (love that quote - thanks Charlie) without ignoring the warning signs of going back into burnout! Lots of love to you all xx
I'm so glad you felt joyful at the end of the day. Such respect for your progress, honouring your body, your senses and your longing to experience the elation of physical activity again. Have a restful day, keep taking care and love to the three of you 😘
Reading this a little late... I hope I'm right in saying this, but from your writing I feel like I can sense how gentle you're being with yourself during this process and it's reminding me to be kind to myself too. Your courage gives me courage, and I'm sure so many others feel the same ❤️
I love that, thank you Jodie - leaning into softness and understanding with myself is starting to make more sense to me now after months of practicing and reminding myself to be more self compassionate! I feel like it takes a lot of time to really start to embody it, and for me written words are a stepping stone :) ❤️
Oh mate. Yes. This is it exactly.
♡ Thank you for reading and relating Jennifer!
Love all the pics- especially Alfie at the end ❤️ So, I feel like we are very near each other on this journey. I am *finally* seeing measurable progress after so long in a mental and physical slog (no energy for much emotion...), and I’m constantly trying to find the balance between being overly cautious and pushing myself too hard. I made a list on my phone of the warning signs I’ve noticedA the ones that tell me I’m close to or over the edge. It’s things like: if I start dropping things, if I’m struggling to explain things of complete sentences, if I feel like I have a short fuse/start feeling overwhelmed, can’t make decisions, or struggle to process conversations. Those are my warning lights to rest in whatever way sounds/feels best. It’s a constant teeter-totter, but I can feel that it’s not moving as drastically up or down, and I want to
keep moving in that direction. Sending my best to you in hopes that you can keep feeling the improvement you’re looking for ❤️