Having the time is not the same as having the energy
4 benefits of measuring in energy, not time
I used to field any incoming request whether it be from a friend, a colleague or a relative by considering ‘do I have the time?’.
Time is ‘the part of existence that is measured in minutes, days, years, etc’. There is debate around how time functions, but in my mind ‘it passes, at a consistent and measurable rate, in a specific direction – from past to future’. This, paired with the fact I struggle with time blindness and executive functioning, means I tend to see time as pretty endless. Asking myself ‘do I have the time?’ more often than not therefore results in me thinking ‘I don’t know’ followed by ‘probably’.
What actually ends up coming out of my mouth, when I factor in my people-pleasing tendencies, an inability to say no for fear of conflict, and processing issues, is more often than not ‘yes’. It’s a solid few minutes after the interaction has concluded that I realise I have over-committed myself yet again. So recently I have been thinking; what if, for me, measuring in time is not actually that helpful?
In an ideal world I would be one of those people who instinctively knows ‘yes’ or ‘no’. If I want to, I find a way to do it. If I don’t, I don’t lose sleep over it. But in reality I’ve never developed that clarity. So in light of the issues I’ve had with using time as a litmus test, I’ve been considering other options.
This is where energy comes in. Energy is ‘the power and ability to be physically and mentally active’. Unlike time, my energy is not consistent, nor measurable and linear. It fluctuates hugely depending upon a whole host of influencing factors including my hormones and level of sensory stimulation. Sometimes my abundance or lack of energy is unexplainable. In contrast to the question ‘do I have the time’, when I ask myself ‘do I have the energy?’ I feel space to be honest with myself. It allows me to consider that even if I have the energy now I might not at the point in time in the future when the thing I’m being requested to do is required to be done.
Of course, there are certain scenarios where it can be difficult to say ‘yes, but I’ll let you know if I don’t have the energy closer to the time’. But where this approach is available to me, I’ve been finding it helpful in the following ways.
When I used to see time as pretty endless and therefore say ‘yes’ to every request, my social calendar and to-do list was full for weeks and months on end. It was incredibly overwhelming to be feeling the way I was feeling (which was exhausted, ill and irritable most of the time) and know that I had to continue to manage a packed timetable that was self-inflicted. By focusing less-so on time and more-so on energy, I operate from a place of self-compassion and flexibility as opposed to unquestioning service and rigidity.
One of the biggest problems with a packed calendar is that inevitably I didn’t have the means to follow through with all of my responsibilities. I did pretty ‘well’ at pushing myself (by that I mean on the surface I seemed to be operating like everyone else until I hit burnout) but inevitably there would be plans I had to cancel or work projects that fell off my radar. When this would happen I would spend hours beating myself up for needing to retrace my steps and back out of plans or admit that I had messed up and couldn’t cope with what I’d signed up for. Added to the overwhelm, this level of self-criticism was unpleasant and pretty toxic. Focusing on energy and it’s fluidity and my human-ness in turn, I am learning to be okay with changing my mind if I need to.
As I am focusing on my energy I am becoming increasingly aware just how much it can change over time. Given its unpredictability, sometimes a ‘yes’ can be caveated with ‘assuming I have the energy’. With people I am close to, this has actually proven to be helpful for both parties. It’s open, honest and doesn’t leave the other person worrying about why I’ve cancelled.
Basing what I do throughout time on my energy levels rather than the amount of time I have means I am checking-in with myself all the time. To answer the question ‘do I have the energy?’ I need to sit quietly for a minute and assess how I’m feeling, what other obligations I have that I know will take energy and whether I have the time afterwards to recharge my energy pack. For someone who has been disconnected from their body for so long, this is a hugely helpful practice. As time goes on I am learning to apply it not just to the ‘big’ things like social plans, but also daily ‘little’ things like ‘do I have the energy to do the dishes today?’. I can already tell this practice is helping me to stay regulated for longer periods of time more frequently.
I appreciate I owe a responsibility to the people around me not to abuse their time by constantly saying yes and then cancelling at the last minute because ‘I don’t have the energy’. But I think there is a middle way that allows me to steer away from saying yes to everything because ‘I have the time’, even when I’m running on empty, without upsetting those around me. In fact, in my short experience experimenting with this approach I have found that just by allowing myself the possibility of flexibility with this energy-focused approach I am more likely to follow through with plans than I am if I perceive the plan to be time-focused and immovable simply because I feel as though I am in touch with myself and I have a choice.
Having the time is not the same as having the energy. I remind myself that just because we all have the same amount of time in a day to play with, does not mean we will all be able to use it in the same way. We all have different energy levels. We all have different limits. We all have different experiences. Time doesn’t account for these differences, but energy counting does. I guess you can call me a spoonie now.
Do you resonate with this idea? What have you said yes to recently because you had the time? And if you were to change the measure to ‘do you have the energy?’, would you still have said yes? What would it feel like to experiment with saying ‘no’ or ‘maybe; I’ll see if I have the energy closer to the time’?
I loved reading this Charlie. I have been thinking in terms of energy for a while now. But energy for me, like time, is something I had a hard time anticipating quantities of in the future. I also had these caveated yes’s (yes, as long as I have the energy) and also a lot of no’s when I have been unsure. It’s been so hard interfacing with the world while trying to recover from burnout and suddenly appearing to know so little about what I can and can’t do and making little sense to others around me.
Recently I have changed my thinking a fair bit about burnout. Instead of thinking about my limitations and accommodations, I started to think about finding flow. This has been much easier on my own as thinking about other people complicates it a fair bit. I started practicing (not intentionally, but looking back this is what I did) when my husband and kids have been out.
It started with little things like do I actually want this coffee in front of me? No. What do I want? Taking time to think. Oh a cold drink. Ok. Suddenly I have energy to make it. Then as I’m drinking it checking in with myself and realising I would like another straight after. Having a bath and noticing when I’ve had enough and want to get out (I often just stayed way too long, some kind of autistic catatonia I think).
Thinking of flowing through the day and doing what I am drawn to, and then the next thing and then the next. Over the course of a week I find my house gets a really good clean (thanks to a clean-with-me podcast that I love, meaning very little executive function required), meals get made (but not at dinner time, I can find cooking at that time of day really hard), I get rest, I even get the right amount of social contact :)
I even went to the Peak District on Friday. On Wednesday I was chatting to a friend and she told me she needed to go to an appointment in the area and was feeling anxious about the drive back alone. I found myself saying “I might be able to keep you company. Can I have a think and let you know tomorrow? I did this without thinking about time or energy! It was part of this feeling of flow that I’ve been cultivating. Initially I was having to look no more than a minute or two ahead of me (truly, no exaggeration).
We had a brilliant chat on the drive - the reduced eye contact really helped me! I made no plans for what to do or where to go, I was equally open to being in the countryside as staying in a town. I had a few things in my bag - a pair of walking boots, reading books, my knitting, a sketch book, a drink, noise cancelling headphones and my purse. At some point close to her destination we drove through a gorgeous rural village and I asked her if I could get out there. I did, and off she went to her appointment.
I spent the next five hours just following my heart and walking in the countryside. I found that while I walked alone I felt really comfortable in my skin. I had time to process the conversations we’d had in the car. I realised I needed to walk quite slowly to process what I was seeing. If I had been with my husband I wouldn’t even have recognised that need let alone asked for it. I took many breaks. I sat at a bench and knitted for a while! Later on I pottered around some craft shops and enjoyed seeing peoples creations. I felt almost euphoric with connectedness and peace. I sat on a bench that turned out to be on a busy path and smiled and returned hello’s to friendly passers by until I felt I had enough and found somewhere quieter to sit.
When my friend returned we had loose plans to go to a cosy pub for dinner. As soon as we walked in I looked at her and said “sorry, no this isn’t going to work for me”. The light, the noise, the wild patterned carpet, the smells. It felt like a sensory assault and everything about it felt wrong. I can’t believe that I may not have noticed how unpleasant I found it if I’d been in a small group, but history let’s me know that is exactly what would have happened.
We ended up going for a beautiful walk together and found a cute little fish and chip shop. We ate hot chips smothered in ketchup while sat on a bench surrounded by gorgeous stone cottages, looking up at the peaks while the sun shone down on us (it’s first appearance that day). It was glorious. And none of it time nor energy planned.
I suppose what I am getting at is for me, energy planning was better than time planning for sure (I also used to be the same with money - expensive hen weekend? Sure, I have the money in my account so I can afford it). But what I am finding is by thinking about this idea of flow I am finally starting to learn what my body actually needs and can tolerate, I think I have had absolutely no idea all these years and so my time plans and my energy plans were always a bit hit and miss.
If my friend had asked me on Wednesday if I wanted to go to the Peak District for a walk on Friday, with my old style time planning I’d have said ‘yes’ but then I’d have done a lot of planning and not allowed my instinct to show up so I’d have regretted it. In fact I have a good friend who lives nearby, I’d have definitely arranged to meet her if I could in that gap in the afternoon, after all I had the time! With energy planning I’d have probably said no and that is not so bad, it would have been safer. Because I didn’t feel I had the energy for all of it and it was risky to plan a whole days activity like that. But following flow led to this other option. Not one thing or another, but something that suited me and I got to work it out as I went along.
I appreciate this idea may needs a certain amount of flexibility from others (my husband was happy to have the kids on Friday afternoon, my friend was happy to skip the pub), but I’ve always had this flexibility available and never seen it as a possibility.
I think this mindset is so helpful. I hadn’t realised but this is exactly what I do when I plan my day: I consider my energy levels and my overall mood in relation to the things I need to get done and the things I want to get done.
I’ve found it hugely helpful to have a planner with two columns. One with the time of the day, one without time.
In the one with the time I write down things that have a fixed time when they need to get done and also block in recharging time before and after things that are tiring. It’s hugely helpful to have that time blocked of in my calendar. That way I can set my time timer (which the rest of my family is learning to respect) and give myself that much needed rest to recharge.
I am guilty of quite often ignoring my need for rest with bad results so actually planning rest and communicating it to the people around me has been a game changer.
The other column are for things I intend to get done in the day based on my energy and mood. Having that list helps keep me on track, to balance taking care of my own needs and the needs of my family, to not get distracted with only fun tasks but also not get anxiety attacks because of an endless mental lists of shoulds and musts.
It also helps with energy tracking since I cross of done items with colours. One colour for “recharging”, one for “draining” and one for “draining in the moment but gives energy later”. For instance exercise is definitely draining in the moment but over time it gives me more energy. Same thing with tidying the kitchen, draining when doing it, but later in the day it helps me have the energy to cook when the kitchen is not a mess and I don’t have to spend what little energy I’ve managed to recharge on first cleaning. It has also helped me realise that tidying is actually recharging for me if I listen to my body and stop the moment it is not peaceful but becomes a must.