I loved reading this Charlie. I have been thinking in terms of energy for a while now. But energy for me, like time, is something I had a hard time anticipating quantities of in the future. I also had these caveated yes’s (yes, as long as I have the energy) and also a lot of no’s when I have been unsure. It’s been so hard interfacing with the world while trying to recover from burnout and suddenly appearing to know so little about what I can and can’t do and making little sense to others around me.
Recently I have changed my thinking a fair bit about burnout. Instead of thinking about my limitations and accommodations, I started to think about finding flow. This has been much easier on my own as thinking about other people complicates it a fair bit. I started practicing (not intentionally, but looking back this is what I did) when my husband and kids have been out.
It started with little things like do I actually want this coffee in front of me? No. What do I want? Taking time to think. Oh a cold drink. Ok. Suddenly I have energy to make it. Then as I’m drinking it checking in with myself and realising I would like another straight after. Having a bath and noticing when I’ve had enough and want to get out (I often just stayed way too long, some kind of autistic catatonia I think).
Thinking of flowing through the day and doing what I am drawn to, and then the next thing and then the next. Over the course of a week I find my house gets a really good clean (thanks to a clean-with-me podcast that I love, meaning very little executive function required), meals get made (but not at dinner time, I can find cooking at that time of day really hard), I get rest, I even get the right amount of social contact :)
I even went to the Peak District on Friday. On Wednesday I was chatting to a friend and she told me she needed to go to an appointment in the area and was feeling anxious about the drive back alone. I found myself saying “I might be able to keep you company. Can I have a think and let you know tomorrow? I did this without thinking about time or energy! It was part of this feeling of flow that I’ve been cultivating. Initially I was having to look no more than a minute or two ahead of me (truly, no exaggeration).
We had a brilliant chat on the drive - the reduced eye contact really helped me! I made no plans for what to do or where to go, I was equally open to being in the countryside as staying in a town. I had a few things in my bag - a pair of walking boots, reading books, my knitting, a sketch book, a drink, noise cancelling headphones and my purse. At some point close to her destination we drove through a gorgeous rural village and I asked her if I could get out there. I did, and off she went to her appointment.
I spent the next five hours just following my heart and walking in the countryside. I found that while I walked alone I felt really comfortable in my skin. I had time to process the conversations we’d had in the car. I realised I needed to walk quite slowly to process what I was seeing. If I had been with my husband I wouldn’t even have recognised that need let alone asked for it. I took many breaks. I sat at a bench and knitted for a while! Later on I pottered around some craft shops and enjoyed seeing peoples creations. I felt almost euphoric with connectedness and peace. I sat on a bench that turned out to be on a busy path and smiled and returned hello’s to friendly passers by until I felt I had enough and found somewhere quieter to sit.
When my friend returned we had loose plans to go to a cosy pub for dinner. As soon as we walked in I looked at her and said “sorry, no this isn’t going to work for me”. The light, the noise, the wild patterned carpet, the smells. It felt like a sensory assault and everything about it felt wrong. I can’t believe that I may not have noticed how unpleasant I found it if I’d been in a small group, but history let’s me know that is exactly what would have happened.
We ended up going for a beautiful walk together and found a cute little fish and chip shop. We ate hot chips smothered in ketchup while sat on a bench surrounded by gorgeous stone cottages, looking up at the peaks while the sun shone down on us (it’s first appearance that day). It was glorious. And none of it time nor energy planned.
I suppose what I am getting at is for me, energy planning was better than time planning for sure (I also used to be the same with money - expensive hen weekend? Sure, I have the money in my account so I can afford it). But what I am finding is by thinking about this idea of flow I am finally starting to learn what my body actually needs and can tolerate, I think I have had absolutely no idea all these years and so my time plans and my energy plans were always a bit hit and miss.
If my friend had asked me on Wednesday if I wanted to go to the Peak District for a walk on Friday, with my old style time planning I’d have said ‘yes’ but then I’d have done a lot of planning and not allowed my instinct to show up so I’d have regretted it. In fact I have a good friend who lives nearby, I’d have definitely arranged to meet her if I could in that gap in the afternoon, after all I had the time! With energy planning I’d have probably said no and that is not so bad, it would have been safer. Because I didn’t feel I had the energy for all of it and it was risky to plan a whole days activity like that. But following flow led to this other option. Not one thing or another, but something that suited me and I got to work it out as I went along.
I appreciate this idea may needs a certain amount of flexibility from others (my husband was happy to have the kids on Friday afternoon, my friend was happy to skip the pub), but I’ve always had this flexibility available and never seen it as a possibility.
Wow, I've read this a couple of times and just love it. Your description of your day with your friend in flow nearly brought a tear to my eye! It's so funny, because I exactly know what you mean by 'flow'. In fact, I think it is how I started out accessing deeper layers of rest - the idea that I was starting to question minute to minute what I felt comfortable with, what I wanted to do, what I needed etc and simply followed that (my intuition) without over-thinking it or questioning it. However, I haven't managed to scale this to future plans (outside of the day ahead) yet. I find that when I am considering future plans I get nervous and play on the safe side (as you referred to) falling back on 'will I have the energy?'. It feels scary to open myself up to flow in the future because it is so unfamiliar to me now, having controlled what I do and my environment for so long! But your story has really inspired me to lean in, so thank you so much for sharing. I am so so so happy for you that you navigated that trip with your friend and in the process had so many little moments of joy and reward that actually felt aligned and beneficial.
Oh Charlie I’m so happy that you feel that way! I was a bit anxious after I’d posted, but it feels so liberating to be unmasked here :)
I’m so excited for you that you might consider leaning into that process and intuition that guided you towards this long period of deep rest and allow it to guide you further still!
Definitely a helpful approach. Thank you for sharing your experience.
I’m getting used to assessing and judging situations based on my energy but I still feel others don’t quite get why I have insufficient energy when I’ve appeared to them to be doing very little. For most people I don’t mind what they think but it’s frustrating when it’s people close to me. I forget they’ve not spent 4 months hyper focused devouring information and resources about this very matter.
I relate to this so much, Kat. I have a hard time remembering this too, and think it should be obvious until I remember they don't necessarily know unless I explain to them. Even then it isn't always understood. I have, and still, get the question: 'so what are you doing with your time?' after I've explained how much rest I need. I guess rest is often a 'doing' thing, but to me it feels like that question misses the point. A friend asked me a few days ago 'where are your energies pointed recently?' and I liked that as a substitute.
I think this mindset is so helpful. I hadn’t realised but this is exactly what I do when I plan my day: I consider my energy levels and my overall mood in relation to the things I need to get done and the things I want to get done.
I’ve found it hugely helpful to have a planner with two columns. One with the time of the day, one without time.
In the one with the time I write down things that have a fixed time when they need to get done and also block in recharging time before and after things that are tiring. It’s hugely helpful to have that time blocked of in my calendar. That way I can set my time timer (which the rest of my family is learning to respect) and give myself that much needed rest to recharge.
I am guilty of quite often ignoring my need for rest with bad results so actually planning rest and communicating it to the people around me has been a game changer.
The other column are for things I intend to get done in the day based on my energy and mood. Having that list helps keep me on track, to balance taking care of my own needs and the needs of my family, to not get distracted with only fun tasks but also not get anxiety attacks because of an endless mental lists of shoulds and musts.
It also helps with energy tracking since I cross of done items with colours. One colour for “recharging”, one for “draining” and one for “draining in the moment but gives energy later”. For instance exercise is definitely draining in the moment but over time it gives me more energy. Same thing with tidying the kitchen, draining when doing it, but later in the day it helps me have the energy to cook when the kitchen is not a mess and I don’t have to spend what little energy I’ve managed to recharge on first cleaning. It has also helped me realise that tidying is actually recharging for me if I listen to my body and stop the moment it is not peaceful but becomes a must.
This sounds like such a helpful system, Camilla - and so well thought out! I love that you plan in your time for rest, especially around tasks that you know are draining. This is something I've been trying out lately too, specifically lying down before and after obligations - I've heard it referred to as 'padding'. So far it seems to be really helping, especially before and after social obligations. Thanks so much for sharing, I'm going to have a think about how I could incorporate your double-column idea into my planning as I love the idea of such a visual representation!
Hit the nail on the head again. Not to mention that with time blindness, there should be an underlying expectation that every new task or engagement will require so much more energy than on paper, given the extra anxiety and waiting/planning/thinking time to try make sure it won't be forgotten or late (and still failing a lot of the time). It's a whole different measurement system - when I'm already bad at maths haha!
PS just had my assessment on Friday and officially got added to the Inattentive ADHD club - let the games begin!
Woah, I hadn't thought about it like that! This is sooooo true! Just keeping on track with new tasks and obligations is so exhausting.
And thank you for sharing re your diagnosis - congratulations (if that is the right word!) and I really hope you're doing okay in the aftermath of it all! I imagine it's all sinking in!
Love this so much!!! Any mind set change that helps me to listen to my body more is a huge win, and I think those closest to me will be supportive and understand this way of planning. I’m currently in burnout (hit my year mark...), and my energy levels are so different throughout any given day and week. Learning to be kind to myself is my biggest lesson lately- taking care of myself AND not beating myself up when I can’t do what I expected.
Welcome Kayla! 🤗 And thank you for sharing. I feel like self-compassion is half if not much of the battle for me. Like, perhaps it even starts there. If we can't have compassion for ourselves then how can we expect others to? But it's so easy said, and can be difficult to put into practice right!
100%! It’s definitely a day-to-day journey of discovering how to be kinder to myself. I’m getting there, and I’m the process I’m realizing how little care I gave myself before this.
PS This is TeamKProductions from YouTube, and I never properly fangirled over you meeting Chloe Hayden!! I had forgotten by the end of that video. Loved her book!!
Thank you, Charlie 🙏 Your words so closely mirror my experience and processing that I often find them hard to read 😘 I know how much internal wrestling, energy, thought and vulnerability it takes to interrogate and then distil things into words. The compulsion to study experiences, document them and share so others can simultaneously understand our internal workings while apply any potentially collective learnings is powerful ❤️
My own simplified articulation of the energy vs time task has been to refer to it as capability vs capacity. I am capable of so very many things - I have evidence of this - but I will have ebbs and flows in my capacity to engage, so the challenge becomes managing expectations. Super hard thing to do.
Mmmm ❤️ yes this really encapsulates the masking experience I feel. Like, I have proven I am capable of things that I have pushed myself to do through masking. But that doesn't mean I ever had the capacity. Super interesting perspective, thank you for sharing!
It's cool you found a planner created by an autistic person! And I really relate to struggling with surprise plans too. Some things are unavoidable and muck up our intentions even when we try to consider our energy, and that can be really hard right? I am trying to get into a habit of sitting down on a Sunday evening to plan my week ahead (energy wise) too, but often forget - aside from a reminder in my calendar I can't think of any other tricks to get me to do it! Do you have any tips?
This is such a great pep talk Rina, thank you! 😀 I've been gradually habit stacking my morning routine, so it's evening routine next and I'll start with Sundays!
I loved reading this Charlie. I have been thinking in terms of energy for a while now. But energy for me, like time, is something I had a hard time anticipating quantities of in the future. I also had these caveated yes’s (yes, as long as I have the energy) and also a lot of no’s when I have been unsure. It’s been so hard interfacing with the world while trying to recover from burnout and suddenly appearing to know so little about what I can and can’t do and making little sense to others around me.
Recently I have changed my thinking a fair bit about burnout. Instead of thinking about my limitations and accommodations, I started to think about finding flow. This has been much easier on my own as thinking about other people complicates it a fair bit. I started practicing (not intentionally, but looking back this is what I did) when my husband and kids have been out.
It started with little things like do I actually want this coffee in front of me? No. What do I want? Taking time to think. Oh a cold drink. Ok. Suddenly I have energy to make it. Then as I’m drinking it checking in with myself and realising I would like another straight after. Having a bath and noticing when I’ve had enough and want to get out (I often just stayed way too long, some kind of autistic catatonia I think).
Thinking of flowing through the day and doing what I am drawn to, and then the next thing and then the next. Over the course of a week I find my house gets a really good clean (thanks to a clean-with-me podcast that I love, meaning very little executive function required), meals get made (but not at dinner time, I can find cooking at that time of day really hard), I get rest, I even get the right amount of social contact :)
I even went to the Peak District on Friday. On Wednesday I was chatting to a friend and she told me she needed to go to an appointment in the area and was feeling anxious about the drive back alone. I found myself saying “I might be able to keep you company. Can I have a think and let you know tomorrow? I did this without thinking about time or energy! It was part of this feeling of flow that I’ve been cultivating. Initially I was having to look no more than a minute or two ahead of me (truly, no exaggeration).
We had a brilliant chat on the drive - the reduced eye contact really helped me! I made no plans for what to do or where to go, I was equally open to being in the countryside as staying in a town. I had a few things in my bag - a pair of walking boots, reading books, my knitting, a sketch book, a drink, noise cancelling headphones and my purse. At some point close to her destination we drove through a gorgeous rural village and I asked her if I could get out there. I did, and off she went to her appointment.
I spent the next five hours just following my heart and walking in the countryside. I found that while I walked alone I felt really comfortable in my skin. I had time to process the conversations we’d had in the car. I realised I needed to walk quite slowly to process what I was seeing. If I had been with my husband I wouldn’t even have recognised that need let alone asked for it. I took many breaks. I sat at a bench and knitted for a while! Later on I pottered around some craft shops and enjoyed seeing peoples creations. I felt almost euphoric with connectedness and peace. I sat on a bench that turned out to be on a busy path and smiled and returned hello’s to friendly passers by until I felt I had enough and found somewhere quieter to sit.
When my friend returned we had loose plans to go to a cosy pub for dinner. As soon as we walked in I looked at her and said “sorry, no this isn’t going to work for me”. The light, the noise, the wild patterned carpet, the smells. It felt like a sensory assault and everything about it felt wrong. I can’t believe that I may not have noticed how unpleasant I found it if I’d been in a small group, but history let’s me know that is exactly what would have happened.
We ended up going for a beautiful walk together and found a cute little fish and chip shop. We ate hot chips smothered in ketchup while sat on a bench surrounded by gorgeous stone cottages, looking up at the peaks while the sun shone down on us (it’s first appearance that day). It was glorious. And none of it time nor energy planned.
I suppose what I am getting at is for me, energy planning was better than time planning for sure (I also used to be the same with money - expensive hen weekend? Sure, I have the money in my account so I can afford it). But what I am finding is by thinking about this idea of flow I am finally starting to learn what my body actually needs and can tolerate, I think I have had absolutely no idea all these years and so my time plans and my energy plans were always a bit hit and miss.
If my friend had asked me on Wednesday if I wanted to go to the Peak District for a walk on Friday, with my old style time planning I’d have said ‘yes’ but then I’d have done a lot of planning and not allowed my instinct to show up so I’d have regretted it. In fact I have a good friend who lives nearby, I’d have definitely arranged to meet her if I could in that gap in the afternoon, after all I had the time! With energy planning I’d have probably said no and that is not so bad, it would have been safer. Because I didn’t feel I had the energy for all of it and it was risky to plan a whole days activity like that. But following flow led to this other option. Not one thing or another, but something that suited me and I got to work it out as I went along.
I appreciate this idea may needs a certain amount of flexibility from others (my husband was happy to have the kids on Friday afternoon, my friend was happy to skip the pub), but I’ve always had this flexibility available and never seen it as a possibility.
Wow, I've read this a couple of times and just love it. Your description of your day with your friend in flow nearly brought a tear to my eye! It's so funny, because I exactly know what you mean by 'flow'. In fact, I think it is how I started out accessing deeper layers of rest - the idea that I was starting to question minute to minute what I felt comfortable with, what I wanted to do, what I needed etc and simply followed that (my intuition) without over-thinking it or questioning it. However, I haven't managed to scale this to future plans (outside of the day ahead) yet. I find that when I am considering future plans I get nervous and play on the safe side (as you referred to) falling back on 'will I have the energy?'. It feels scary to open myself up to flow in the future because it is so unfamiliar to me now, having controlled what I do and my environment for so long! But your story has really inspired me to lean in, so thank you so much for sharing. I am so so so happy for you that you navigated that trip with your friend and in the process had so many little moments of joy and reward that actually felt aligned and beneficial.
Oh Charlie I’m so happy that you feel that way! I was a bit anxious after I’d posted, but it feels so liberating to be unmasked here :)
I’m so excited for you that you might consider leaning into that process and intuition that guided you towards this long period of deep rest and allow it to guide you further still!
That is wonderful to hear, your unmasked self is so very welcome here :)
Definitely a helpful approach. Thank you for sharing your experience.
I’m getting used to assessing and judging situations based on my energy but I still feel others don’t quite get why I have insufficient energy when I’ve appeared to them to be doing very little. For most people I don’t mind what they think but it’s frustrating when it’s people close to me. I forget they’ve not spent 4 months hyper focused devouring information and resources about this very matter.
I relate to this so much, Kat. I have a hard time remembering this too, and think it should be obvious until I remember they don't necessarily know unless I explain to them. Even then it isn't always understood. I have, and still, get the question: 'so what are you doing with your time?' after I've explained how much rest I need. I guess rest is often a 'doing' thing, but to me it feels like that question misses the point. A friend asked me a few days ago 'where are your energies pointed recently?' and I liked that as a substitute.
I think this mindset is so helpful. I hadn’t realised but this is exactly what I do when I plan my day: I consider my energy levels and my overall mood in relation to the things I need to get done and the things I want to get done.
I’ve found it hugely helpful to have a planner with two columns. One with the time of the day, one without time.
In the one with the time I write down things that have a fixed time when they need to get done and also block in recharging time before and after things that are tiring. It’s hugely helpful to have that time blocked of in my calendar. That way I can set my time timer (which the rest of my family is learning to respect) and give myself that much needed rest to recharge.
I am guilty of quite often ignoring my need for rest with bad results so actually planning rest and communicating it to the people around me has been a game changer.
The other column are for things I intend to get done in the day based on my energy and mood. Having that list helps keep me on track, to balance taking care of my own needs and the needs of my family, to not get distracted with only fun tasks but also not get anxiety attacks because of an endless mental lists of shoulds and musts.
It also helps with energy tracking since I cross of done items with colours. One colour for “recharging”, one for “draining” and one for “draining in the moment but gives energy later”. For instance exercise is definitely draining in the moment but over time it gives me more energy. Same thing with tidying the kitchen, draining when doing it, but later in the day it helps me have the energy to cook when the kitchen is not a mess and I don’t have to spend what little energy I’ve managed to recharge on first cleaning. It has also helped me realise that tidying is actually recharging for me if I listen to my body and stop the moment it is not peaceful but becomes a must.
This sounds like such a helpful system, Camilla - and so well thought out! I love that you plan in your time for rest, especially around tasks that you know are draining. This is something I've been trying out lately too, specifically lying down before and after obligations - I've heard it referred to as 'padding'. So far it seems to be really helping, especially before and after social obligations. Thanks so much for sharing, I'm going to have a think about how I could incorporate your double-column idea into my planning as I love the idea of such a visual representation!
Hit the nail on the head again. Not to mention that with time blindness, there should be an underlying expectation that every new task or engagement will require so much more energy than on paper, given the extra anxiety and waiting/planning/thinking time to try make sure it won't be forgotten or late (and still failing a lot of the time). It's a whole different measurement system - when I'm already bad at maths haha!
PS just had my assessment on Friday and officially got added to the Inattentive ADHD club - let the games begin!
Woah, I hadn't thought about it like that! This is sooooo true! Just keeping on track with new tasks and obligations is so exhausting.
And thank you for sharing re your diagnosis - congratulations (if that is the right word!) and I really hope you're doing okay in the aftermath of it all! I imagine it's all sinking in!
Love this so much!!! Any mind set change that helps me to listen to my body more is a huge win, and I think those closest to me will be supportive and understand this way of planning. I’m currently in burnout (hit my year mark...), and my energy levels are so different throughout any given day and week. Learning to be kind to myself is my biggest lesson lately- taking care of myself AND not beating myself up when I can’t do what I expected.
First post I’ve read- can’t wait to read more!!!
Welcome Kayla! 🤗 And thank you for sharing. I feel like self-compassion is half if not much of the battle for me. Like, perhaps it even starts there. If we can't have compassion for ourselves then how can we expect others to? But it's so easy said, and can be difficult to put into practice right!
100%! It’s definitely a day-to-day journey of discovering how to be kinder to myself. I’m getting there, and I’m the process I’m realizing how little care I gave myself before this.
PS This is TeamKProductions from YouTube, and I never properly fangirled over you meeting Chloe Hayden!! I had forgotten by the end of that video. Loved her book!!
Thank you, Charlie 🙏 Your words so closely mirror my experience and processing that I often find them hard to read 😘 I know how much internal wrestling, energy, thought and vulnerability it takes to interrogate and then distil things into words. The compulsion to study experiences, document them and share so others can simultaneously understand our internal workings while apply any potentially collective learnings is powerful ❤️
My own simplified articulation of the energy vs time task has been to refer to it as capability vs capacity. I am capable of so very many things - I have evidence of this - but I will have ebbs and flows in my capacity to engage, so the challenge becomes managing expectations. Super hard thing to do.
Mmmm ❤️ yes this really encapsulates the masking experience I feel. Like, I have proven I am capable of things that I have pushed myself to do through masking. But that doesn't mean I ever had the capacity. Super interesting perspective, thank you for sharing!
It's cool you found a planner created by an autistic person! And I really relate to struggling with surprise plans too. Some things are unavoidable and muck up our intentions even when we try to consider our energy, and that can be really hard right? I am trying to get into a habit of sitting down on a Sunday evening to plan my week ahead (energy wise) too, but often forget - aside from a reminder in my calendar I can't think of any other tricks to get me to do it! Do you have any tips?
This is such a great pep talk Rina, thank you! 😀 I've been gradually habit stacking my morning routine, so it's evening routine next and I'll start with Sundays!