I wish I had the choice
"There are jobs in this world that I would love to be able to do. But because of my brain, I can’t."
I don’t want to return to law, but I do wish I had the choice. It’s a funny place to be - knowing that I was once able, but now I am not.
Maybe I sound conceited but training to become a lawyer took many years and a lot of hard work. It started with getting good grades at school, and would have ended with becoming the general counsel of a financial company. But I never got there; it turns out it wasn’t meant for me.
But my work ethic, and drive to achieve, is still there. Despite the burnout, the trauma, and the understanding of how burning the candle down to the wick got me here.
Now my job is to temper this drive, to reign myself in, to think twice before I jump in guns blazing. I have to think ahead, calculate the cost, consider sensory environments, work out social expectations, look for working hour flexibility and remote location possibilities.
I am one of the lucky ones who has financial, practical and emotional support whilst I emerge from the hazy depths of my work trauma to ask ‘what can I do?’.
But there is an underlying sadness that lingers with every job opportunity I consider. That is, the sadness that I don’t have a choice. There are jobs in this world that I would love to be able to do. But because of my brain, I can’t.
It feels as though the choices are being made for me and it is my job to accept whatever ends up fitting ‘about right’. This is a different way of operating to before when I felt as though I could do anything if just worked hard enough.
Recently I’ve been thinking about working with dogs. Walking them, training them, and maybe one day grooming them. It doesn’t feel like a choice right now, because in a world where I was able I would be working as an entrepreneur or in a creative corporate job in the city. But I’m wondering if, with time, the choices come.
Sure, there may be professions that are no longer accessible to me. I mean, let’s be honest, they never really were. But of those that are there will be choices to be made.
Do I work for an existing dog care company? Do I set up my own? Do I board dogs? Do I train them? Do I groom them? Do I create dog products? Do I create content about my journey as a neurodivergent small business owner?
These are all choices. And whilst I don’t think silver linings need to be found to outshine the sadness I feel about the choices that are not open to me, I can see how focusing on the choices I can make for myself is the only way forward.
I can’t and don’t want to spend my life wishing I could. There will be moments where the grief of what could have been is overwhelming, but there will also be moments where I find agency in the choices that are for me.
I relate to this so much Charlie. I also worked so hard to study engineering, worked in consulting and then got burnout and now I want to return to that place because I miss it so much but I’m also just so wary of getting burnt out again. But I have this fire and drive in me that is hidden but ever still present. It’s this inner drive to do more and to be where I once was. But I know if the environment doesn’t suit my needs it would tip me over the edge and so now I’m just trying to be cautious. Experienced massive burnout after discovering my autism and I just don’t want to ever be in that place again. It was scary, but a part of me still craves the fast pace and the critical thinking I was experiencing before at my old job. I already don’t over extend myself after work and keep my life as simple as possible so I kind of want a career that is more stimulating and fulfills me. It’s just so hard to accept that I am indeed debilitated and even though I want it I know I can’t be a top performer no matter how much effort I want to put into it. There are days where I completely forget I’m autistic and then I experience something that surely reminds me yes, I have limits in energy and in forming strong connections with people. So I can say I relate to this so so much. And it’s still a mental battle that I’m trying to accept. To want more for myself but also understand I’m not superwoman like I once thought I was. Like you said, your job is to reign yourself in, and I feel like that what I’ve been trying to do this whole time. Because a part of me still wants to get right back out there. But I can see if it doesn’t come with accommodations or understanding from others than I will inevitably wind up back where I was before, in burnout, in a matter of time. I just want to find the place for me where I am both fulfilled and the environment allows for me to exist there…
Omg it feels so good to be seen with words. It’s so funny because i’m recovering from autistic burnout for 1 year. I’m actually a dog sitter where people leave me their dog at my home. It’s so great and it helps me to stay active, gaining some money and being with dogs. I don’t have to cope with external world, i can just stay at home and go for a walk during the day with them. I also begin an online training to learn animal communication (as a medium). I think it will be a great way to use my intuition and sensibility while working with animals but also humans. I really relate to the grief of « what could have been » it hits me every day but one day i know i’ll look back and be proud of what i’ve create with my own capacity without having all the possibilities open for me 🧡