Wow. This resonates so much. Thank you for sharing.
It fits in with a lot of what I’ve been thinking and journaling about recently.
I’ve always felt ‘younger’ than my real age - seeking approval, moulding myself to please, afraid of conflict and like a nice, good child at school in almost every interaction with the world.
Now off to consider it through a people pleasing lens.
And with that, the agenda for my next therapy session (tomorrow, thankfully!) is set! Thank you for helping me better understand this part of myself, and the implications it has had in my life.
I've been struggling with this for several years now. I've realized that I am a people pleaser, but I can't get away from it. I'm currently starting therapy, and this is definitely on my list of things to work on!
I hear you; it's one thing to know, it's another thing to change. It's a tough journey! I really hope starting therapy offers you support and direction along the way. I'm starting therapy with a new therapist soon too and I remain hopeful.
Thanks for this Charlie, an interesting read and I like the way you draw a distinction between being nice and being a people pleaser as I think I have often conflated the two.
I don’t think I had the social ‘skills’ (mask) to be a people pleaser until early adulthood. Once I worked out how to do it, life became so much easier in so many ways. But like you say it also interferes with true connection.
Your post has been on my mind and this morning the ideas in it influenced something I did. I’m having a pretty non verbal day today after a bad night. I had previously arranged to meet up with a lovely group of mums with our kids and felt comfortable that I’d be able to be quiet and enjoy the company and being outdoors without pressure to talk.
A few people dropped out last minute for various reasons and it ended up being just this one friend and me. I’ve known her a while and she is lovely and I trust her, but we are not particularly close friends. I found myself deliberating between making myself go so I didn’t let her down or making up an excuse so that she didn’t think badly of me for flaking. I thought “aha that’s the people pleasing”. It’s become about me not looking bad and not about her!
When I thought about it a bit longer, I realised that I didn’t want her to feel rejected by my cancelling (although who knows if she would feel that, maybe I’m projecting), because it was nothing to do with her, it was me being non verbal and the fact the meet up was now one to one.
I decided to go ahead and tell her the truth. I told her that I have recently come to realise I am autistic and that I have days where I am less able to speak, so while I could probably manage today in a group, I am not up to a one to one meet up but that we love meeting up with her and her daughter. I took the risk that she could have negative opinions of me *and* also that she would be displeased, both the things I was trying to avoid.
Well it ended up going the opposite way! She was absolutely lovely, understanding, and suggested that I ask her for more spontaneous meet ups if I’m finding it hard to plan as she’s up for last minute things too.
Even if it hadn’t gone well though, I think I wouldn’t have had that icky feeling I get after people pleasing. I’d have accepted that this person wasn’t interested in me/felt this was an excuse/ whatever. I think there is something worse about being rejected when you’re trying to please than being rejected when you’re being authentic. At least you’re only being rejected by someone else, whereas when you’re people pleasing I feel like you abandon yourself and if you’re not liked then you’re rejected by that person too.
Such a big one to tackle! It will be an ongoing navigation for me I think. I value kindness, I value humility, yet I need to see clearly, with discernment, where my decisions and actions are coming from. It’s a skill that’s especially challenging those of us who are non-confrontational. I love (I thought I loved?) the safety, peace and quiet of no conflict, of going along with the flow for the sake of smoothness. I have tactile sensory issues and confrontation feels almost physically ABRASIVE! And yet here I am, my body telling me that avoidance-nice-mode is unsustainable. I would love to hear from you and others about how people-pleasing influenced your disclosure of diagnosis to loved ones? Thanks for everything.
I understand what you mean about the intersection between disclosure and people pleasing. At this point - one month from diagnosis - I’ve only told my husband and my mom. But this coming weekend is a holiday in the US and I will be with my in-laws. I already find these weekends at the lake cabin stressful - lots of socializing, overlapping voices, etc. Do I tell them and cause some distress to myself and possibly them? Or do I “go along to get along” as I always have? I’m still not sure I have all the words to describe my experiences or answer questions on the fly. Anyway, just wanted to share because I think I understand where you’re coming from. ❤️
I relate so much to this. I’m curious if anger has ever been a struggle in your rewinding process? I find anger comes up a lot when I’m in a place where my needs and my people pleasing clash. I feel anger at the other person for “putting” me in the place of having to push back. It’s wild. Sometimes I think I reach for anger because it’s the only way to motivate me to stand up for myself.
I feel so called out (in a good way) by this post. I recently went back into therapy for intense burnout and the “freeze and fawn” response came up as a behaviour pattern I use to protect myself, which sounds very similar to people-pleasing (something else I do constantly out of fear and routine). Both seem to be a trauma response that arises out of a need to feel wanted and secure, and yet, as you say, they don’t work and are unconvincing to others, and destroy us in the long term. Setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm, while hoping they stay long enough to make it worth it! Thank you for this insightful, thought-provoking post--it came at the perfect moment for me ❤️
Charlie... WOW! This was such a beautiful piece. It resonated and touched my heart. It honestly felt like you had written this piece and were talking just to me for my ears haha.
Something I am always consciously trying to work on changing and implementing. It’s a tough one to break but each day, week, month and year it gets easier but sometimes you skip and fall back into old patterns and ways of being.
Love your thought on being authentic and not delving into pleasing others for their approval or love and the final thoughts on what you would want from your friends and family- to be themselves 100%.
Wow. This resonates so much. Thank you for sharing.
It fits in with a lot of what I’ve been thinking and journaling about recently.
I’ve always felt ‘younger’ than my real age - seeking approval, moulding myself to please, afraid of conflict and like a nice, good child at school in almost every interaction with the world.
Now off to consider it through a people pleasing lens.
❤️ Thank you for sharing Kat.
This is such a thought-provoking and powerful piece, many thanks for creating and sharing.
Thank you Alexander.
And with that, the agenda for my next therapy session (tomorrow, thankfully!) is set! Thank you for helping me better understand this part of myself, and the implications it has had in my life.
Nice to know this sparked something in you, thank you for sharing. ❤️
I've been struggling with this for several years now. I've realized that I am a people pleaser, but I can't get away from it. I'm currently starting therapy, and this is definitely on my list of things to work on!
I hear you; it's one thing to know, it's another thing to change. It's a tough journey! I really hope starting therapy offers you support and direction along the way. I'm starting therapy with a new therapist soon too and I remain hopeful.
This was so good Charlie ❤️
Thank you Mackenzie! ❤️
thanks for having the courage to share your story, Charlie 🙏🏼
have you heard of Gabor Maté?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3bynimi8HQ
Yes, incredibly eye opening!
Thanks for this Charlie, an interesting read and I like the way you draw a distinction between being nice and being a people pleaser as I think I have often conflated the two.
I don’t think I had the social ‘skills’ (mask) to be a people pleaser until early adulthood. Once I worked out how to do it, life became so much easier in so many ways. But like you say it also interferes with true connection.
Your post has been on my mind and this morning the ideas in it influenced something I did. I’m having a pretty non verbal day today after a bad night. I had previously arranged to meet up with a lovely group of mums with our kids and felt comfortable that I’d be able to be quiet and enjoy the company and being outdoors without pressure to talk.
A few people dropped out last minute for various reasons and it ended up being just this one friend and me. I’ve known her a while and she is lovely and I trust her, but we are not particularly close friends. I found myself deliberating between making myself go so I didn’t let her down or making up an excuse so that she didn’t think badly of me for flaking. I thought “aha that’s the people pleasing”. It’s become about me not looking bad and not about her!
When I thought about it a bit longer, I realised that I didn’t want her to feel rejected by my cancelling (although who knows if she would feel that, maybe I’m projecting), because it was nothing to do with her, it was me being non verbal and the fact the meet up was now one to one.
I decided to go ahead and tell her the truth. I told her that I have recently come to realise I am autistic and that I have days where I am less able to speak, so while I could probably manage today in a group, I am not up to a one to one meet up but that we love meeting up with her and her daughter. I took the risk that she could have negative opinions of me *and* also that she would be displeased, both the things I was trying to avoid.
Well it ended up going the opposite way! She was absolutely lovely, understanding, and suggested that I ask her for more spontaneous meet ups if I’m finding it hard to plan as she’s up for last minute things too.
Even if it hadn’t gone well though, I think I wouldn’t have had that icky feeling I get after people pleasing. I’d have accepted that this person wasn’t interested in me/felt this was an excuse/ whatever. I think there is something worse about being rejected when you’re trying to please than being rejected when you’re being authentic. At least you’re only being rejected by someone else, whereas when you’re people pleasing I feel like you abandon yourself and if you’re not liked then you’re rejected by that person too.
Such a big one to tackle! It will be an ongoing navigation for me I think. I value kindness, I value humility, yet I need to see clearly, with discernment, where my decisions and actions are coming from. It’s a skill that’s especially challenging those of us who are non-confrontational. I love (I thought I loved?) the safety, peace and quiet of no conflict, of going along with the flow for the sake of smoothness. I have tactile sensory issues and confrontation feels almost physically ABRASIVE! And yet here I am, my body telling me that avoidance-nice-mode is unsustainable. I would love to hear from you and others about how people-pleasing influenced your disclosure of diagnosis to loved ones? Thanks for everything.
I understand what you mean about the intersection between disclosure and people pleasing. At this point - one month from diagnosis - I’ve only told my husband and my mom. But this coming weekend is a holiday in the US and I will be with my in-laws. I already find these weekends at the lake cabin stressful - lots of socializing, overlapping voices, etc. Do I tell them and cause some distress to myself and possibly them? Or do I “go along to get along” as I always have? I’m still not sure I have all the words to describe my experiences or answer questions on the fly. Anyway, just wanted to share because I think I understand where you’re coming from. ❤️
I relate so much to this. I’m curious if anger has ever been a struggle in your rewinding process? I find anger comes up a lot when I’m in a place where my needs and my people pleasing clash. I feel anger at the other person for “putting” me in the place of having to push back. It’s wild. Sometimes I think I reach for anger because it’s the only way to motivate me to stand up for myself.
I feel so called out (in a good way) by this post. I recently went back into therapy for intense burnout and the “freeze and fawn” response came up as a behaviour pattern I use to protect myself, which sounds very similar to people-pleasing (something else I do constantly out of fear and routine). Both seem to be a trauma response that arises out of a need to feel wanted and secure, and yet, as you say, they don’t work and are unconvincing to others, and destroy us in the long term. Setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm, while hoping they stay long enough to make it worth it! Thank you for this insightful, thought-provoking post--it came at the perfect moment for me ❤️
Charlie... WOW! This was such a beautiful piece. It resonated and touched my heart. It honestly felt like you had written this piece and were talking just to me for my ears haha.
Something I am always consciously trying to work on changing and implementing. It’s a tough one to break but each day, week, month and year it gets easier but sometimes you skip and fall back into old patterns and ways of being.
Love your thought on being authentic and not delving into pleasing others for their approval or love and the final thoughts on what you would want from your friends and family- to be themselves 100%.
Thankyou ☺️💕
Love. Love. Love. Thank you.