Charlie, I can relate to this so much... Both the unrealistic expectations I have of myself in the face of legitimate challenges and the difficulty just "being". In my therapy sessions, we've been working on helping me understand that my self is not my activity, not my thoughts, not my disability. I'm seeking to "de-fuse" from these things so I can learn who I actually am in my values, character, personality... I discovered quickly that when I subtract my activity and productivity from my concept of self I'm surprisingly unable to describe who I am. It does feel scary, yet I feel hopeful of developing a truer reckoning of myself that comes before and is more important than anything I "contribute." Sending you love for the tough days, XO
This hit me in the heart Sylvia. I spent so many years saying 'why don't I feel like a person?' - like, if someone were to ask me to describe myself I would be at a loss without telling people my achievements and what I do. I found it so easy to describe other people but I myself was such a shape-shifter I didn't know which bits were me and which weren't! Breaking the rediscovery down into values, character and personality is a nice idea - a concrete and intentional way of building our relationship with ourselves. ❤️
"Why don't I feel like a person?" describes it perfectly. When I was in college I wrote a poem describing myself as a tornado - a rushing whirlwind of activity with a hole at the middle. Here's to meeting our true selves and discovering who we are when we're not shape-shifting! ❤️
I hear and feel this. The ableism is what pushes us to burnout in the first place. I look like I should be able to *insert activity* so I push myself and do it, ignoring my feelings or what my body is telling me. Eventually, I don’t even register what my body is telling me. It works for a while- until it doesn’t. Even in burnout, I push myself to do as much as possible, or feel guilt when I rest. Maybe that’s why I’m still in burnout...
Yes to all of this. Thank you for sharing Kayla. I also feel like I forget that I can't? And then *surprise* I wind up burned out again! It's infuriating but I'm trying to hold on to the hope that it takes time to re-learn the connection with our feelings and our body.
Thank you for sharing this Charlie. After a lifetime of striving hard for high achievement and being productive, and despite the burnouts, it is still so hard to let go of that and move towards something else isn’t it? At times I have felt “what else is there?”, like I am somehow empty otherwise, a shell of a person.
Have you heard of the work of Erkhart Tolle? He distinguishes between the idea of “doing” and “being”. He talks about the way most of ourselves lose ourselves in “doing” (and ‘doing’ includes thinking, and striving for goals), and that this “doing” can give us a sense of self, because our deeper consciousness is mostly asleep while all this ‘doing’ is going on.
This podcast episode of his blew my mind and I wonder if you might find it speaks to you too?
That's exactly how it feels Shems, thank you for sharing and seeing me where I'm at - it's special to know that other people just get it.
Eckhart Tolle was my first foray into the world of trying to 'just be' a number of years ago. His book 'The Power Of Now' really shifted my perspective. But I haven't read his books or listened to him speak since I have been diagnosed. I wonder if it will hit differently now. Thank you for suggesting this podcast episode, I'm going to listen now whilst I have my breakfast (wow, seeing thinking as doing is so spot on!!).
"Acceptance of my inability to keep driving forwards, acceptance of my need for help, acceptance of my disability. I think if I’m really honest this is what is driving me forward in the face of perpetual burnout: I don’t want to admit and accept that I am disabled. That I am not able. That I am unable."
Gosh, it's like I'm reading my own journal entry...
I often feel like, if I accept all that, I loose myself. Or the self that I've known or tried to be for three decades, almost four. And all the while there are things I am able to do. They just feel less, or not enough. Which is odd, because there are others I admire for those same qualities. This is all something that I keep coming back to. Like a never ending loop. Also how do you accept it. What does that look like? I honestly don't know. These days I try, whenever I feel down, overwhelmed or spiralling to grab my sketchbook and draw. Drawing and painting is the only thing that gets my mind to calm down really. Perhaps that's the answer. Too soon to tell though :)
Thank you for sharing this Silvia, and I'm right there with you ❤️ drawing and painting are some of my coping strategies too (now that I've stopped thinking over time about how I can turn them into a job! 🙊). Sylvia also shared some interesting suggestions in in the comments section about focusing on reclaiming our values, character and personality over focusing on what we can contribute.
Love & needed this today! I can relate to everything you’re saying. I think we’re all a little ableist when it comes to late dx folk. I’m also finding the strength to stop pushing and oh boy is it tough. 🥺
Hi, I've just subscribed and feeling an ADHD kick of impulsive commenting!
Just wanted to say how I resonate with the sink or swim feeling. Long before any awareness of my AuDHDness I had this sense that if I could just trust to stop and "sink" there might be a miraculous ability to "breathe underwater". I guess this reflected what a huge risk it felt like, to actually purposefully breathe in the water as I sank to see if it was possible to live beneath the "surface" of masked life.
That's all for now. Thank you Charlie for making a space where I have felt safe enough to engage for the very first time as AuDHD.
"It feels as though if I stop kicking I might just sink." I think I've those exact words as well.
I think the tricky thing with burn out is that once you call in sick from your job, there is so much momentum. I wish I could've just stopped and rested, as it was advised. But I kept on doing things that I thought might make me feel rested. I'm now trying to spend my time a bit more by "being" instead of "doing" (as someone else also commented), but it's really hard. Especially if I then compare myself to what other people are able to do in a day, even you. Sometimes I think "Charlie seems to have this burn out thing figured out with her substack and insta and Youtube". So thanks for this article, for reminding me that I'm on the right track towards figuring things out for myself and that slowing down is indeed an important step in recovery.
I want to thank you for sharing this Tai because this is exactly what I've not been struggling with. My online presence has been holding back my burnout recovery and this letter was the start of my realisation that sharing online is another way i am 'doing' and 'driving' over 'being'. It's a balance because creating, sharing, and connecting fulfils my soul in a way that helps me recover but too much of it in the wrong places burns me out and makes me unwell. I'm personally reflecting on this at the moment, taking a break from IG and YT whilst I do - the patterns of continually pushing through are so strong! Anyway, all this to say that I'm right there with you learning this whole just 'being' thing and I truly think it is so so important. Sending you love!
Thanks for being so honest! I hope you'll manage to find a balance. I used to want to do things perfect from the start, but am realising it's always trial and error until I find what works for me. That takes time, a lot of self-reflection and listening to my needs. I guess that's what most of us here are in the process of learning :)
Totally! I am a good old friend of perfectionism too, oh and all or nothing thinking - the joys 😂 I'm hoping to find a middle way, but that will take time as you say. I'm proud of us for being compassionate with ourselves and hope you too find balance on your journey :)
Charlie, I can relate to this so much... Both the unrealistic expectations I have of myself in the face of legitimate challenges and the difficulty just "being". In my therapy sessions, we've been working on helping me understand that my self is not my activity, not my thoughts, not my disability. I'm seeking to "de-fuse" from these things so I can learn who I actually am in my values, character, personality... I discovered quickly that when I subtract my activity and productivity from my concept of self I'm surprisingly unable to describe who I am. It does feel scary, yet I feel hopeful of developing a truer reckoning of myself that comes before and is more important than anything I "contribute." Sending you love for the tough days, XO
This hit me in the heart Sylvia. I spent so many years saying 'why don't I feel like a person?' - like, if someone were to ask me to describe myself I would be at a loss without telling people my achievements and what I do. I found it so easy to describe other people but I myself was such a shape-shifter I didn't know which bits were me and which weren't! Breaking the rediscovery down into values, character and personality is a nice idea - a concrete and intentional way of building our relationship with ourselves. ❤️
"Why don't I feel like a person?" describes it perfectly. When I was in college I wrote a poem describing myself as a tornado - a rushing whirlwind of activity with a hole at the middle. Here's to meeting our true selves and discovering who we are when we're not shape-shifting! ❤️
Cheers to that! ❤️
I hear and feel this. The ableism is what pushes us to burnout in the first place. I look like I should be able to *insert activity* so I push myself and do it, ignoring my feelings or what my body is telling me. Eventually, I don’t even register what my body is telling me. It works for a while- until it doesn’t. Even in burnout, I push myself to do as much as possible, or feel guilt when I rest. Maybe that’s why I’m still in burnout...
Yes to all of this. Thank you for sharing Kayla. I also feel like I forget that I can't? And then *surprise* I wind up burned out again! It's infuriating but I'm trying to hold on to the hope that it takes time to re-learn the connection with our feelings and our body.
Thank you for sharing this Charlie. After a lifetime of striving hard for high achievement and being productive, and despite the burnouts, it is still so hard to let go of that and move towards something else isn’t it? At times I have felt “what else is there?”, like I am somehow empty otherwise, a shell of a person.
Have you heard of the work of Erkhart Tolle? He distinguishes between the idea of “doing” and “being”. He talks about the way most of ourselves lose ourselves in “doing” (and ‘doing’ includes thinking, and striving for goals), and that this “doing” can give us a sense of self, because our deeper consciousness is mostly asleep while all this ‘doing’ is going on.
This podcast episode of his blew my mind and I wonder if you might find it speaks to you too?
https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/eckhart-tolle-essential-teachings/id1458654443?i=1000611684993
That's exactly how it feels Shems, thank you for sharing and seeing me where I'm at - it's special to know that other people just get it.
Eckhart Tolle was my first foray into the world of trying to 'just be' a number of years ago. His book 'The Power Of Now' really shifted my perspective. But I haven't read his books or listened to him speak since I have been diagnosed. I wonder if it will hit differently now. Thank you for suggesting this podcast episode, I'm going to listen now whilst I have my breakfast (wow, seeing thinking as doing is so spot on!!).
Wow 🤯 ok so that was fascinating. Also his voice is so soothing.
It’s quite head-frying isn’t it! Do you recommend the power of now? I might get it if you do.
Sorry I mean the content is head-frying! Soothing voice definitely :)
I self-diagnosed only 3 months ago? And I’m still learning so much. A lot of your blog resonated with me. I’m learning to be still and find joy.
"Acceptance of my inability to keep driving forwards, acceptance of my need for help, acceptance of my disability. I think if I’m really honest this is what is driving me forward in the face of perpetual burnout: I don’t want to admit and accept that I am disabled. That I am not able. That I am unable."
Gosh, it's like I'm reading my own journal entry...
I often feel like, if I accept all that, I loose myself. Or the self that I've known or tried to be for three decades, almost four. And all the while there are things I am able to do. They just feel less, or not enough. Which is odd, because there are others I admire for those same qualities. This is all something that I keep coming back to. Like a never ending loop. Also how do you accept it. What does that look like? I honestly don't know. These days I try, whenever I feel down, overwhelmed or spiralling to grab my sketchbook and draw. Drawing and painting is the only thing that gets my mind to calm down really. Perhaps that's the answer. Too soon to tell though :)
Thank you for sharing this Silvia, and I'm right there with you ❤️ drawing and painting are some of my coping strategies too (now that I've stopped thinking over time about how I can turn them into a job! 🙊). Sylvia also shared some interesting suggestions in in the comments section about focusing on reclaiming our values, character and personality over focusing on what we can contribute.
Love & needed this today! I can relate to everything you’re saying. I think we’re all a little ableist when it comes to late dx folk. I’m also finding the strength to stop pushing and oh boy is it tough. 🥺
So, so tough! Thank you for sharing Sarah. Thank goodness we have connections with people who get it. 🥰
Hi, I've just subscribed and feeling an ADHD kick of impulsive commenting!
Just wanted to say how I resonate with the sink or swim feeling. Long before any awareness of my AuDHDness I had this sense that if I could just trust to stop and "sink" there might be a miraculous ability to "breathe underwater". I guess this reflected what a huge risk it felt like, to actually purposefully breathe in the water as I sank to see if it was possible to live beneath the "surface" of masked life.
That's all for now. Thank you Charlie for making a space where I have felt safe enough to engage for the very first time as AuDHD.
Welcome Winn!! ❤️❤️ I'm so happy to see you here 🥰 What you've shared is so poetic, and deeply relatable. I hope you enjoy your time here 🌻
"It feels as though if I stop kicking I might just sink." I think I've those exact words as well.
I think the tricky thing with burn out is that once you call in sick from your job, there is so much momentum. I wish I could've just stopped and rested, as it was advised. But I kept on doing things that I thought might make me feel rested. I'm now trying to spend my time a bit more by "being" instead of "doing" (as someone else also commented), but it's really hard. Especially if I then compare myself to what other people are able to do in a day, even you. Sometimes I think "Charlie seems to have this burn out thing figured out with her substack and insta and Youtube". So thanks for this article, for reminding me that I'm on the right track towards figuring things out for myself and that slowing down is indeed an important step in recovery.
I want to thank you for sharing this Tai because this is exactly what I've not been struggling with. My online presence has been holding back my burnout recovery and this letter was the start of my realisation that sharing online is another way i am 'doing' and 'driving' over 'being'. It's a balance because creating, sharing, and connecting fulfils my soul in a way that helps me recover but too much of it in the wrong places burns me out and makes me unwell. I'm personally reflecting on this at the moment, taking a break from IG and YT whilst I do - the patterns of continually pushing through are so strong! Anyway, all this to say that I'm right there with you learning this whole just 'being' thing and I truly think it is so so important. Sending you love!
Thanks for being so honest! I hope you'll manage to find a balance. I used to want to do things perfect from the start, but am realising it's always trial and error until I find what works for me. That takes time, a lot of self-reflection and listening to my needs. I guess that's what most of us here are in the process of learning :)
Totally! I am a good old friend of perfectionism too, oh and all or nothing thinking - the joys 😂 I'm hoping to find a middle way, but that will take time as you say. I'm proud of us for being compassionate with ourselves and hope you too find balance on your journey :)