"To ‘unmask’ means ‘to reveal the true nature of’. Does that mean that I have been hiding my true nature? Does that mean that my masked self is not my true self?"
I love this, Charlie! I also think - and would love to know if other autistic people relate to this - the pressure to be authentic all the time is something I took literally as an autistic person - not knowing I didn’t owe everyone my most core self or feelings or thoughts at all times led me to some unsafe associations and led me to being manipulated easily over the course of my life until diagnosis. This led me to sharing with some people who weren’t safe for me in the name of being “real”. not everyone deserves your unmasked self, because not everyone is a safe person. That was a life changing realization I had, ironically, in my unmasking process. Love to you!!
Oh i 100% agree with this!!! Didn’t notice I took it literally, too and then tried to always be super honest and try to be unmasked to then realise these people weren’t safe to do that around. Thank you for bringing this up!
I've been reflecting on this exact topic a lot since my AuDHD diagnosis as well. It can be really confusing trying to reassess everything you thought you knew about yourself and your interactions with other people. Thank you so much for sharing this Charlie! You definitely aren't alone in feeling this way, and I appreciate your thought that both your masked and unmasked self are still 'you.' Having that language to relate to makes me feel a lot better about my struggles with my own unmasking journey
You have put so much of what I experience into words! 🫶🏼 I have really struggled with being so black and white about masking vs unmasking and somehow thought that masking and not telling people I’m AuDHD is somehow lying to them ... I get quite caught up in thinking I need to tell the truth to be authentic but it’s just not that simple, we don’t need to bare our souls to everyone to still be real, it’s just different parts of us that we choose to share. And I have to remind myself a lot of this! Definitely struggling with the nuance of it all.. Really resonated with what Emily said above that not everyone is a safe person to share yourself with so openly. There is so much I am still learning about myself and I feel quite impatient to share it all with the world but it’s ok to be quietly processing too!
Ooh this hits and gives me that feeling in bottom of my throat too of my chest where my emotion comes from. I feel this and can relate to what I call the rabbit hole that is then unpicking and or even trying to verbalise this whilst also somehow simultaneously questioning and analysing everything too... It's exhausting.
I feel Brené is very relevant here and I often think of her when thinking about being authentic and the need for connection and belonging. They often cause paradoxical thoughts and reactions and that's without Neurodivergence in the mix.
I 100% relate to needing the black and white / binary options and I think that's where much of the discomfort, questioning and ultimately the pain comes from because we'll never get there and have to get ok with the grey. But for other reasons too, I do berate myself for being 'disingenious' or 'fake' or feeling like noone can or will ever be able to *know the real me*. Because I've not got a fu*king clue who that is so how could anyone else... And if I ever find out there is a massive risk that I'll lose anyone and everyone that 'loves' the masked/old me.
Your posts are always in sync with my thoughts and feelings so as always I appreciate you sharing and providing a space - I'm sending a hug your way 🫂
1000% this, thank you! Sometimes I think I'm masking when I'm really not lol. Other times it feels like the mask is fused on and I can't separate myself from it. I end up ricocheting between feeling like the emperor with no clothes, where everyone knew I was "other" before I did, and I'm accidentally revealing myself constantly without realizing, and also feeling like an imposter, like I'm not autistic enough. Blech
This is a very interesting post - I'm not inclined to mask at all but instead I socially withdraw. If I'm not entirely comfortable being myself in a situation I will do the bare minimum amount of social interaction.
Before my diagnosis, I thought I was a social animal, very chatty very smiley spoke to absolutely everybody and their dog. After my diagnosis I find out that I’m very high masking. And it threw me into turmoil. so I’ve been thinking about it a lot I too, yes I took it as all or nothing. You either wear it or you don’t. How to not wear it I’m still trying to understand. I have no idea how to do that. I ve been reading lots and decided on Experimenting. I decided to start by listening to my body, to my sensations when I’m in social situations which are very few these days. I decided to go to the gym. In the changing room with all the ladies around me, I decided not to do my usual jumping into the conversation to talk about storm Ciaran, the latest film or new Nike trainers. I decided to listen to my body. and I started feeling the helicopters taking off in my stomach. I felt a strong urge to talk, but I didn’t. I kept quiet. I listened to everybody else around me talking and I felt invisible and I actually felt distressed. I do realise that not worrying about what other people were thinking about the fact that I wasn’t talking to them, allowed me to listen to my own sensations. It’s something that I’m not good at at all and masking less will help me even more. Masking to me feels like a bit of a performance, I know my lines, my gestures and having done so for so long I can’t see a way that I’ll ever be able to not do so in certain social situations, not at my age. But maybe it doesn’t need to be done all in one go, like I either wear the mask or I don’t. I can try to “perform”less. As for being “real” or “genuine” I’m thinking that maybe there are parts of my mask that are real genuine bits of me but I give these parts a bit more gloss and shine ✨ so for others I sparkle more. I don’t know. Sorry for the essay but your thoughts touched me Charlie and now my brains are now on 🔥 🤪
For me masking is all about safety and there are different levels depending on where I am, who I’m with and what my goals are. I’m always me, but sometimes it’s not safe to let certain parts out or it might stop me getting what I need. (This one come up alit with medical care). And sometimes it takes less energy to mask than it would do to deal with someone else’s ableist views.
What really helps me is recognising it as something I can choose to love in and out of to meet my needs. It is always how I want it to be, but sometimes it’s the least harmful option.
This is so helpful! I have been really wrestling with this idea since my discovery. I hadn't realised I was thinking about it is such a binary, literal and self-judging way and this has helped me see myself with greater compassion.
I truly value my integrity so discovering that I had been masking made me feel disingenuous and I then felt it was imperitive that I correct this wayward behaviour, but I don't seem to have much control over my masking at all, I either can and it can't be switched off (typically at work) or I can't and I feel weak, jittery and fragile, all of which I've been criticised for my entire life so no matter what state I'm in I felt like I was wrong in some deep and inexplicable way.
Thank you for providing a new, healthier lense to view myself through.
I’m really sorry- that never should’ve happened. I can totally understand why you would mask as tougher to protect yourself.
It’s interesting, because, since starting my unmasking process, I’ve found that I cry easier when I see injustice/sadness etc. I wonder if I also masked to be tougher in my own way. Or maybe unmasking and bring more authentic to myself is helping me to be more connected to my emotions. Either way, I think I’m at a healthier place.
I bet it is. Even young kids are very aware of when they are accepted or not... I’m trying to be more authentic with those closest to me, but haven’t decided if I will actually show my true self to others. It would be much easier to stay quiet in social situations and not try to connect to others. It’s a huge ask of myself to be vulnerable after almost 30+ years of masking/feeling unsafe to be myself.
I love this, Charlie! I also think - and would love to know if other autistic people relate to this - the pressure to be authentic all the time is something I took literally as an autistic person - not knowing I didn’t owe everyone my most core self or feelings or thoughts at all times led me to some unsafe associations and led me to being manipulated easily over the course of my life until diagnosis. This led me to sharing with some people who weren’t safe for me in the name of being “real”. not everyone deserves your unmasked self, because not everyone is a safe person. That was a life changing realization I had, ironically, in my unmasking process. Love to you!!
Oh i 100% agree with this!!! Didn’t notice I took it literally, too and then tried to always be super honest and try to be unmasked to then realise these people weren’t safe to do that around. Thank you for bringing this up!
Ooh such a good point!
I've been reflecting on this exact topic a lot since my AuDHD diagnosis as well. It can be really confusing trying to reassess everything you thought you knew about yourself and your interactions with other people. Thank you so much for sharing this Charlie! You definitely aren't alone in feeling this way, and I appreciate your thought that both your masked and unmasked self are still 'you.' Having that language to relate to makes me feel a lot better about my struggles with my own unmasking journey
You have put so much of what I experience into words! 🫶🏼 I have really struggled with being so black and white about masking vs unmasking and somehow thought that masking and not telling people I’m AuDHD is somehow lying to them ... I get quite caught up in thinking I need to tell the truth to be authentic but it’s just not that simple, we don’t need to bare our souls to everyone to still be real, it’s just different parts of us that we choose to share. And I have to remind myself a lot of this! Definitely struggling with the nuance of it all.. Really resonated with what Emily said above that not everyone is a safe person to share yourself with so openly. There is so much I am still learning about myself and I feel quite impatient to share it all with the world but it’s ok to be quietly processing too!
Ooh this hits and gives me that feeling in bottom of my throat too of my chest where my emotion comes from. I feel this and can relate to what I call the rabbit hole that is then unpicking and or even trying to verbalise this whilst also somehow simultaneously questioning and analysing everything too... It's exhausting.
I feel Brené is very relevant here and I often think of her when thinking about being authentic and the need for connection and belonging. They often cause paradoxical thoughts and reactions and that's without Neurodivergence in the mix.
I 100% relate to needing the black and white / binary options and I think that's where much of the discomfort, questioning and ultimately the pain comes from because we'll never get there and have to get ok with the grey. But for other reasons too, I do berate myself for being 'disingenious' or 'fake' or feeling like noone can or will ever be able to *know the real me*. Because I've not got a fu*king clue who that is so how could anyone else... And if I ever find out there is a massive risk that I'll lose anyone and everyone that 'loves' the masked/old me.
Your posts are always in sync with my thoughts and feelings so as always I appreciate you sharing and providing a space - I'm sending a hug your way 🫂
1000% this, thank you! Sometimes I think I'm masking when I'm really not lol. Other times it feels like the mask is fused on and I can't separate myself from it. I end up ricocheting between feeling like the emperor with no clothes, where everyone knew I was "other" before I did, and I'm accidentally revealing myself constantly without realizing, and also feeling like an imposter, like I'm not autistic enough. Blech
This is a very interesting post - I'm not inclined to mask at all but instead I socially withdraw. If I'm not entirely comfortable being myself in a situation I will do the bare minimum amount of social interaction.
Before my diagnosis, I thought I was a social animal, very chatty very smiley spoke to absolutely everybody and their dog. After my diagnosis I find out that I’m very high masking. And it threw me into turmoil. so I’ve been thinking about it a lot I too, yes I took it as all or nothing. You either wear it or you don’t. How to not wear it I’m still trying to understand. I have no idea how to do that. I ve been reading lots and decided on Experimenting. I decided to start by listening to my body, to my sensations when I’m in social situations which are very few these days. I decided to go to the gym. In the changing room with all the ladies around me, I decided not to do my usual jumping into the conversation to talk about storm Ciaran, the latest film or new Nike trainers. I decided to listen to my body. and I started feeling the helicopters taking off in my stomach. I felt a strong urge to talk, but I didn’t. I kept quiet. I listened to everybody else around me talking and I felt invisible and I actually felt distressed. I do realise that not worrying about what other people were thinking about the fact that I wasn’t talking to them, allowed me to listen to my own sensations. It’s something that I’m not good at at all and masking less will help me even more. Masking to me feels like a bit of a performance, I know my lines, my gestures and having done so for so long I can’t see a way that I’ll ever be able to not do so in certain social situations, not at my age. But maybe it doesn’t need to be done all in one go, like I either wear the mask or I don’t. I can try to “perform”less. As for being “real” or “genuine” I’m thinking that maybe there are parts of my mask that are real genuine bits of me but I give these parts a bit more gloss and shine ✨ so for others I sparkle more. I don’t know. Sorry for the essay but your thoughts touched me Charlie and now my brains are now on 🔥 🤪
For me masking is all about safety and there are different levels depending on where I am, who I’m with and what my goals are. I’m always me, but sometimes it’s not safe to let certain parts out or it might stop me getting what I need. (This one come up alit with medical care). And sometimes it takes less energy to mask than it would do to deal with someone else’s ableist views.
What really helps me is recognising it as something I can choose to love in and out of to meet my needs. It is always how I want it to be, but sometimes it’s the least harmful option.
I agree with this 100%!
This is so helpful! I have been really wrestling with this idea since my discovery. I hadn't realised I was thinking about it is such a binary, literal and self-judging way and this has helped me see myself with greater compassion.
I truly value my integrity so discovering that I had been masking made me feel disingenuous and I then felt it was imperitive that I correct this wayward behaviour, but I don't seem to have much control over my masking at all, I either can and it can't be switched off (typically at work) or I can't and I feel weak, jittery and fragile, all of which I've been criticised for my entire life so no matter what state I'm in I felt like I was wrong in some deep and inexplicable way.
Thank you for providing a new, healthier lense to view myself through.
Wow- I feel like there’s a decent amount of talk about females masking, but very little about males’ experiences. This is such an important point!
I’m really sorry- that never should’ve happened. I can totally understand why you would mask as tougher to protect yourself.
It’s interesting, because, since starting my unmasking process, I’ve found that I cry easier when I see injustice/sadness etc. I wonder if I also masked to be tougher in my own way. Or maybe unmasking and bring more authentic to myself is helping me to be more connected to my emotions. Either way, I think I’m at a healthier place.
I bet it is. Even young kids are very aware of when they are accepted or not... I’m trying to be more authentic with those closest to me, but haven’t decided if I will actually show my true self to others. It would be much easier to stay quiet in social situations and not try to connect to others. It’s a huge ask of myself to be vulnerable after almost 30+ years of masking/feeling unsafe to be myself.