Hello fellow human,
I am back from my trip to Italy.
And I am utterly exhausted.
In a nutshell, the trip was a blast. I had a wonderful time, and managed pretty well whilst I was there. I accommodated myself when I needed to and luckily there weren’t any unforeseen travel issues. There are a couple of stories I’d like to share in more detail at a future date, but for now all I can focus on is this exhaustion.
Most jarring for me is that I feel like a totally different human to the one who was strutting around Florence for the weekend. She had energy, was able to make plans, could get dressed each day, had capacity for new social interactions, enjoyed exploring a new place, and was sleeping soundly.
The me now, five days later? Well, I’m the opposite of her in every way!
It makes sense, and yet it always catches me off guard - how much recovery time I need, I mean. I’ve always known I need a lot of time to recover, process, and recalibrate after new experiences. I remember when I was working full time in law, before I realised I am AuDHD, I would spend a portion of my holiday allowance on being at home after my trip because I knew there was no way I could go straight back to work.
It’s something I became ashamed of. I was confused by the shocking change in me from one week to the next, and thought I just needed to try harder. But when I pushed through I felt even more shame about making myself sicker. I felt like a weak person who needed to work out how to stop being lazy, but everything I tried only made me sink further into burnout.
Understanding I am autistic and have ADHD is helping me re-write these stories and accept I am not weak or lazy. Airports, airplanes, taxis, hotels, new places, hot weather, new food, lots of people - all of these things that in the moment can be exciting and enjoyable for my ADHD (if I’m not in autistic burnout) are simply exhausting for my autistic brain.
This weekend of fun and new experiences has cost me a week of recovery time (it’s interesting how I phrase it as a ‘cost’, hey?). I got back and immediately collapsed into 10-12 hours broken sleep a night, daily naps, an inability to keep up with household chores, and the need to postpone work obligations. I feel flat and a bit burned out and I have no flexibility to socialise or do new things.
As I continue to shine a light on my AuDHD experiences and understand why I am the way I am, it does become easier (with the support of my ever-loving husband) to accept those parts of myself. But the journey is not linear and sometimes, like this week, I find myself in a shame spiral once again. It’s not a one-and-done type scenario where I choose to accept and move on. It’s a practice that frequently feels uncomfortable.
I remind myself:
Every time I choose myself, I rebuild a sense of self-worth.
Every time I validate myself, I rebuild a sense of self-trust.
Every time I look out for myself, I rebuild a sense of self-love.
It’s taken a couple of years of hard work but I’m at the stage where I can confidently say I am no longer willing to compromise my health because of shame. The shame is diminished every time I choose my health and prove to myself bit-by-bit that shame has no place in my life anymore.
I read a post recently from
that I loved.I know that having a habit of sending too many emojis is not the same as having a nervous system that becomes easily burned out, but this idea inspired me. When I feel a shame spiral approaching, I am trying to intercept it with ‘ah, that’s just how I am.' Somehow it helps to desensitise me to the sting of the horrible things I can say to myself - like, ‘why can’t you just pretend like you’ve got the energy and get on with it?’. To that I say, ‘ah, that’s just how I am - I get tired easily’.
I remind myself:
There is nothing to fix.
There is nothing to run away from.
There is nothing to hide.
This is just how I am.
Sending you so much love,
Charlie xoxo
"I was confused by the shocking change in me from one week to the next, and thought I just needed to try harder." Oh, that was such a common thought for me years ago, and turning that around and embracing reality (trying harder didn't ease anything) instead of my perception of reality (trying hard will fix everything) was a slow-burn lightbulb going off. I was moved by this post. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and your life. I always learn so much and your honesty encourages my compassion.
Thanks so much for this, I really relate to it. And I’m also lucky enough to have an “ever-loving husband”, as you succinctly put it, who reminds me that’s just how I am when I come off an intensely social activity and have to go inside myself.