"I was trying very hard, but I was unknowingly adopting neurotypical tools and holding myself to neurotypical standards - tools and standards I could never reach."
Gosh I related so much to what you've written here, Charlie, including the 'inconvenience' of carrying around multiple heavy, cumbersome notebooks when I can see that yes, an app would be better but how do I remember to check it? And yes an alert is helpful unless i'm so deeply into something it hurts to breakaway, so dismiss the alert, claw back my focus, and forget anyway! Gah. And thank you. I'm learning to attach less and less moral judgement to these qualities, in part thanks to people being willing to share their experiences.
Ugh that is so real Nicola! I've got a timer on right now for a load of washing in the washing machine and I'm dreading the moment it goes off and I forget to take the laundry out because I dismiss the timer whilst absorbed in something else. Gah.
Yes!! And this is where the systems we develop start to look absolutely bonkers to everyone else. I leave a laundry basket *at the bottom of the stairs* so everyone has to climb over it whenever the washing machine is on, as a physical reminder it needs to be emptied 😆 woe betide you if you move the laundry basket
I really relate to your words here Charlie. I often ‘joke’ that I have no concept of time but I think the joking is sort of a coping mechanism because it can actually feel a bit scary and worrying (and stressful) to not have a firm grip on time like everyone else seems to. It’s nice to know I’m not alone x
I totally get that Georgia, I do the same thing - as you say, a coping mechanism, and a way to fend off rejection by rejecting myself first? Like I'll joke about it or mention it so others don't - it's somewhat 'easier' to feel rejected by myself than other people. For me, it's one of the hardest parts of being ND as it impacts every aspect of life contributing to worry and stress as you say. You're definitely not alone 🫂
An excellent write-up, and especially timely for me! While I much prefer analogue, my dyspraxia (a movement/coordination disorder that, in my case, impacts my fine motor ability) plus perfectionistic tendencies have led to me tossing beautiful new notebooks into the bin after I "mess up a page." Trying to get past that.
Thank you, Charlie, for your insight. I too have found using pen and paper instead of digital tools to work better for me as well. For example, I love sticky notes. I use them at work, at home, for reminders, things to get done, and even notes of affirmation to myself. The list of tasks don't seem as overwhelming when they are on sticky notes (at least for me). They're just so small. My favorite part is when I can crumble one up after finally getting a much needed task completed. Somehow, this little things has helped me to stay more motivated.
I can imagine the dopamine hit of physically scrunching it up is great - where do you put them during the day? On your wall somewhere you can see them?
Generally, on the surface of my desk. My desk is covered with different sticky notes. Some times, I place them on the wall next to the desk too. But, yes, there is a great dopamine fix for sure. Keep up the great work! Thank you.
I related to your post a lot. The chaos can be overwhelming at times. An ADHD diagnosis has given me more grace. I use online tools because they work best for me but I think offline tools are great too. I suspect that I am autistic too and a sensory seeking one at that. Something about the tangeability of the page and the pen helps to focus me - providing that necessary sensory feedback that is missing with a computer/phone.
I can relate to so much of what you’ve written here and I’m enjoying discovering the ways of working that make sense to me. I use a notes app to keep track of all my ideas but a pen and paper to explore things in detail, and plan my day to day tasks. I’ve really enjoyed your posts around digital detoxing too, I’m trying to reduce my screen time (other than Substack, of course!) and lean into more mindful creativity away from the dreaded scroll!
I have fallen into the same trap of copying other people's systems, feeling like the way I do things is always wrong. I am a very analogue person and I journal and plan my day-to-day with pen and paper. This is what works for me and I love it because it is fun and creative. This has not stopped my from trying out planning everything on Google Calendar, feeling like this is the 'right way' to do it or, even more strangely, the 'grown up' way to do it. It does not work for me. I got about half way through Monday and tapped out.
I have really been enjoying your Youtube series on your digital minimalism. It has really helped me cement some feelings I was already having and inspired me to make changes. I am actually talking about them in my next Substack letter! So, thank you, Charlie. 🖤
The experience of my entire life 1000%. The effort (to keep time, stay on schedule, meet deadlines, clean my house) always seemed wildly disproportional to the result. I now understand this is because I was trying to do things the "right" (=neurotypical) way instead of the ME way.
"Convenience is pointless to me if it doesn’t actually help me reach my goal."
It took this realization for me to start accepting that my apparently slow, roundabout, puttering ways were the best ways for me. For example, to my neurotypical friends, my housekeeping looks random at the best of times - but my house has improved a lot since my ADHD diagnosis because I'm no longer agonizing over trying to absorb the latest Instagram cleaning schedule. Instead, I have two every day chores and the rest of it gets cleaned when I see it's dirty. This has worked remarkably well for me and is "anti" almost all the cleaning advice I have ever heard.
What I appreciate most about this is the reminder that we are not all the same. It seems so simple, but how often we forget and fall into old traps that say “you’re not trying hard enough” instead of “let’s figure out a better way.” I’m super-glad that you recognized the way in which you need physical writing to anchor mental processing, and are really pursuing that!
OBSESSED. I also have AuDHD and this line "Convenience is pointless to me if it doesn’t actually help me reach my goal" freed me from the naughty nasty voice in my mind that tells me I need to organise myself the way that all those podcasts tell me to do. LOVE.
I love this! I actually rely very heavily on my Google calendar and alarms. The reminders are the only thing that works for me. But when I'm planning out further ahead or wanting to get a sense of the long-term, I love to look at and write in my physical planner (which I haven't actually touched for a few months at this point) because it feels less overwhelming and I can see either the whole month or a week at a time. I'm planning to get a giant wall calender soon to help my 5 year old start to visualize important events and how far away they are, and I think it'll be helpful for us to keep track of school things together.
I'm hoping it will help! I feel like it's likely she may also have ADHD like me, so I think it'll be interesting to see what works and what doesn't, and if it changes over time.
For sure! I always wonder how I would have felt if I had learned from a young age ways that work for ME regardless of what others do - it's very cool you're going to facilitate that for her :)
Helping our kids find what works for them is such an interesting topic to me - I was late-diagnosed last year and suspect that my 5-year-old may also have ADHD. I'm feeling a bit unmoored in my parenting right now because well-meaning things that were said to me as a child still come out of MY mouth sometimes and I think some of them are really just an encouragement to mask. Finding our way with our own personal systems and simultaneously helping our kids find their way is a steep challenge!
Reparenting ourselves while parenting our kids is such a hard job. I find myself doing the same thing a lot of the time, and all we can do is try something different once we realize something may not be helpful. It's given me some perspective about my parents, and how much they were likely struggling in similar ways, and how they really were just doing their best, even when it harmed me. I try to have compassion for myself in the way I now have compassion for them and the way I will have compassion for my kids as they grow and learn and make mistakes. And I apologize a lot lol.
“Unless I physically write with pen and paper, a deadline or an idea or an appointment may as well not exist.”
This is totally me. I have to write it down and it has to be somewhere I can see it. I have a family magnetic calendar on my fridge where I write down all of our appointments and events. Juggling schedules for five people is definitely a challenge! The paper calendar is great because then I have that visual daily reminder. If it’s very important and I know I will need more than just visual support, I set reminders up with Alexa. I call her my personal assistant.
I usually input appointments in my phone when I’m making them but I am wondering now if a small planner might make remembering to write them on the main calendar easier. I might have to give it a go! Thanks for sharing your process!
I’ve known for a long time that having physical pen and paper was much more effective for me than digital, and I loved hearing you say the same thing! Totally agree that time is a fluid, changing thing- it ticks by then lurches forward- I struggle to keep track of it. I often use phone alarms to help me remember important times- when we need to leave for appointments etc. My only challenge with pen and paper is that I often lose it or completely forget to use my planner, instead making a note in my phone or a random scrap of paper that will never be found/looked at again (until it’s too late)... The struggle is REAL, and has gotten me in trouble so many times- in school with assignments, and as an adult, when others expected me to be more *responsible.*
Oof this is absolutely me. I struggle so much with time, like when I say something will take XYZ (like writing a Substack post), it ends up taking many more hours, but if I know I have an important appointment or a meeting then I go into "waiting mode" and get hyper fixated on the fact it's coming up and then can't do anything else and have to get there early because otherwise I'll be late and thats bad and then I'm so strung out afterwards from the pressure that I can't get anything else done. So I have to try and keep my calendar flexible and usually wait to the last minute to book anything in to avoid that stress.
Ach, the neurospicy mind. I have little hacks that help me, but it's been a journey figuring them out - and realising that it's okay that I can't seem to live the same way everyone else does!
Gosh I related so much to what you've written here, Charlie, including the 'inconvenience' of carrying around multiple heavy, cumbersome notebooks when I can see that yes, an app would be better but how do I remember to check it? And yes an alert is helpful unless i'm so deeply into something it hurts to breakaway, so dismiss the alert, claw back my focus, and forget anyway! Gah. And thank you. I'm learning to attach less and less moral judgement to these qualities, in part thanks to people being willing to share their experiences.
Ugh that is so real Nicola! I've got a timer on right now for a load of washing in the washing machine and I'm dreading the moment it goes off and I forget to take the laundry out because I dismiss the timer whilst absorbed in something else. Gah.
Yes!! And this is where the systems we develop start to look absolutely bonkers to everyone else. I leave a laundry basket *at the bottom of the stairs* so everyone has to climb over it whenever the washing machine is on, as a physical reminder it needs to be emptied 😆 woe betide you if you move the laundry basket
omg I'm stealing that idea! 🫣 hehe
I really relate to your words here Charlie. I often ‘joke’ that I have no concept of time but I think the joking is sort of a coping mechanism because it can actually feel a bit scary and worrying (and stressful) to not have a firm grip on time like everyone else seems to. It’s nice to know I’m not alone x
I totally get that Georgia, I do the same thing - as you say, a coping mechanism, and a way to fend off rejection by rejecting myself first? Like I'll joke about it or mention it so others don't - it's somewhat 'easier' to feel rejected by myself than other people. For me, it's one of the hardest parts of being ND as it impacts every aspect of life contributing to worry and stress as you say. You're definitely not alone 🫂
An excellent write-up, and especially timely for me! While I much prefer analogue, my dyspraxia (a movement/coordination disorder that, in my case, impacts my fine motor ability) plus perfectionistic tendencies have led to me tossing beautiful new notebooks into the bin after I "mess up a page." Trying to get past that.
I relate to the urge to throw away notebooks that do not meet my idea of 'perfect', although for different reasons - thank you for sharing Amy.
Thank you, Charlie, for your insight. I too have found using pen and paper instead of digital tools to work better for me as well. For example, I love sticky notes. I use them at work, at home, for reminders, things to get done, and even notes of affirmation to myself. The list of tasks don't seem as overwhelming when they are on sticky notes (at least for me). They're just so small. My favorite part is when I can crumble one up after finally getting a much needed task completed. Somehow, this little things has helped me to stay more motivated.
I can imagine the dopamine hit of physically scrunching it up is great - where do you put them during the day? On your wall somewhere you can see them?
Generally, on the surface of my desk. My desk is covered with different sticky notes. Some times, I place them on the wall next to the desk too. But, yes, there is a great dopamine fix for sure. Keep up the great work! Thank you.
love this idea!
I related to your post a lot. The chaos can be overwhelming at times. An ADHD diagnosis has given me more grace. I use online tools because they work best for me but I think offline tools are great too. I suspect that I am autistic too and a sensory seeking one at that. Something about the tangeability of the page and the pen helps to focus me - providing that necessary sensory feedback that is missing with a computer/phone.
Oooo I hadn't thought about the sensory-seeking element - that's such a good point. I am sensory-seeking through touch, so that makes a lot of sense!
I can relate to so much of what you’ve written here and I’m enjoying discovering the ways of working that make sense to me. I use a notes app to keep track of all my ideas but a pen and paper to explore things in detail, and plan my day to day tasks. I’ve really enjoyed your posts around digital detoxing too, I’m trying to reduce my screen time (other than Substack, of course!) and lean into more mindful creativity away from the dreaded scroll!
I have fallen into the same trap of copying other people's systems, feeling like the way I do things is always wrong. I am a very analogue person and I journal and plan my day-to-day with pen and paper. This is what works for me and I love it because it is fun and creative. This has not stopped my from trying out planning everything on Google Calendar, feeling like this is the 'right way' to do it or, even more strangely, the 'grown up' way to do it. It does not work for me. I got about half way through Monday and tapped out.
I have really been enjoying your Youtube series on your digital minimalism. It has really helped me cement some feelings I was already having and inspired me to make changes. I am actually talking about them in my next Substack letter! So, thank you, Charlie. 🖤
yes! the 'grown up way'! I kept telling myself that too.
"I try, okay? There is no lack of trying here."
The experience of my entire life 1000%. The effort (to keep time, stay on schedule, meet deadlines, clean my house) always seemed wildly disproportional to the result. I now understand this is because I was trying to do things the "right" (=neurotypical) way instead of the ME way.
"Convenience is pointless to me if it doesn’t actually help me reach my goal."
It took this realization for me to start accepting that my apparently slow, roundabout, puttering ways were the best ways for me. For example, to my neurotypical friends, my housekeeping looks random at the best of times - but my house has improved a lot since my ADHD diagnosis because I'm no longer agonizing over trying to absorb the latest Instagram cleaning schedule. Instead, I have two every day chores and the rest of it gets cleaned when I see it's dirty. This has worked remarkably well for me and is "anti" almost all the cleaning advice I have ever heard.
This is so so wonderful Sylvia!!!
What I appreciate most about this is the reminder that we are not all the same. It seems so simple, but how often we forget and fall into old traps that say “you’re not trying hard enough” instead of “let’s figure out a better way.” I’m super-glad that you recognized the way in which you need physical writing to anchor mental processing, and are really pursuing that!
Exactly this Sydney! It's soooo easy to fall into that trap, at least for me. I really have to remind myself. And thank you so much!
We’ve discussed it before but time is a slippery fish 🐟 really enjoying these tips!
OBSESSED. I also have AuDHD and this line "Convenience is pointless to me if it doesn’t actually help me reach my goal" freed me from the naughty nasty voice in my mind that tells me I need to organise myself the way that all those podcasts tell me to do. LOVE.
YES! 🙌🏻
I love this! I actually rely very heavily on my Google calendar and alarms. The reminders are the only thing that works for me. But when I'm planning out further ahead or wanting to get a sense of the long-term, I love to look at and write in my physical planner (which I haven't actually touched for a few months at this point) because it feels less overwhelming and I can see either the whole month or a week at a time. I'm planning to get a giant wall calender soon to help my 5 year old start to visualize important events and how far away they are, and I think it'll be helpful for us to keep track of school things together.
I think it's wonderful that you're carving out a practice with your 5 year old to help them develop their own systems from a young age!
I'm hoping it will help! I feel like it's likely she may also have ADHD like me, so I think it'll be interesting to see what works and what doesn't, and if it changes over time.
For sure! I always wonder how I would have felt if I had learned from a young age ways that work for ME regardless of what others do - it's very cool you're going to facilitate that for her :)
Helping our kids find what works for them is such an interesting topic to me - I was late-diagnosed last year and suspect that my 5-year-old may also have ADHD. I'm feeling a bit unmoored in my parenting right now because well-meaning things that were said to me as a child still come out of MY mouth sometimes and I think some of them are really just an encouragement to mask. Finding our way with our own personal systems and simultaneously helping our kids find their way is a steep challenge!
Reparenting ourselves while parenting our kids is such a hard job. I find myself doing the same thing a lot of the time, and all we can do is try something different once we realize something may not be helpful. It's given me some perspective about my parents, and how much they were likely struggling in similar ways, and how they really were just doing their best, even when it harmed me. I try to have compassion for myself in the way I now have compassion for them and the way I will have compassion for my kids as they grow and learn and make mistakes. And I apologize a lot lol.
“Unless I physically write with pen and paper, a deadline or an idea or an appointment may as well not exist.”
This is totally me. I have to write it down and it has to be somewhere I can see it. I have a family magnetic calendar on my fridge where I write down all of our appointments and events. Juggling schedules for five people is definitely a challenge! The paper calendar is great because then I have that visual daily reminder. If it’s very important and I know I will need more than just visual support, I set reminders up with Alexa. I call her my personal assistant.
I usually input appointments in my phone when I’m making them but I am wondering now if a small planner might make remembering to write them on the main calendar easier. I might have to give it a go! Thanks for sharing your process!
I am in awe of you juggling schedules for 5 people, truly!
I’ve known for a long time that having physical pen and paper was much more effective for me than digital, and I loved hearing you say the same thing! Totally agree that time is a fluid, changing thing- it ticks by then lurches forward- I struggle to keep track of it. I often use phone alarms to help me remember important times- when we need to leave for appointments etc. My only challenge with pen and paper is that I often lose it or completely forget to use my planner, instead making a note in my phone or a random scrap of paper that will never be found/looked at again (until it’s too late)... The struggle is REAL, and has gotten me in trouble so many times- in school with assignments, and as an adult, when others expected me to be more *responsible.*
ooo yes phone alarms are a big one for me too!
Oof this is absolutely me. I struggle so much with time, like when I say something will take XYZ (like writing a Substack post), it ends up taking many more hours, but if I know I have an important appointment or a meeting then I go into "waiting mode" and get hyper fixated on the fact it's coming up and then can't do anything else and have to get there early because otherwise I'll be late and thats bad and then I'm so strung out afterwards from the pressure that I can't get anything else done. So I have to try and keep my calendar flexible and usually wait to the last minute to book anything in to avoid that stress.
Ach, the neurospicy mind. I have little hacks that help me, but it's been a journey figuring them out - and realising that it's okay that I can't seem to live the same way everyone else does!
So relate to what you've shared here Cassie!!