When I wrote to you last I shared a story about leaving a family get together early. I received this comment in response, which made me realise I omitted an important detail. That is: I needed Andrew’s help in both deciding, and actioning my need, to leave early.
What a good addition to the last story, it’s really validating for me that it’s not ‘wrong’ to ask/expect some help with these kind of things. Of course it’s important to learn to feel your needs and state your own boundaries, but sometimes it’s as if that means you have to do it all alone.
Probably my worst trauma is when I was so burned our after Xmas at my partners parents house and I was still there, I was supposed to meet him downtown later that day but I was having such a melt down that I couldn’t even go down stairs to get myself food, so I called him in a bit of a panic to discuss what to do and he was so annoyed with me for not ‘figuring it out’. I was so ashamed for being that way, that I dragged myself to that dinner party for him, only to have him be mad at me at the end of the night for ‘having to worry about me.’ He is my ex now. 😐 But that belief has stuck with me for so long.
I used to catch myself saying ‘I hate you’ to myself, which I have since replaced with asking myself ‘what do you need.’ It makes all the difference. It’s still super bizarre to ‘have disabilities’ after ‘functioning’ for so long. I know exactly what you mean. I just learned I’m getting the full disability benefits. Can you believe it? I mean, experts assess these things so maybe I’m not exaggerating after all? 🤔
Ps. Your last post is the first ‘non essential email’ I’ve managed to read since burnout (2 years in), and I was like: OMG, I read an email newsletter, yay, go girl, progressss. And now I’m commenting, crazy town. 🙏
Thank-you for this. As someone whose "shoulds" are many, I stayed through a work thing last week past the point at which I could cope. I've gotten used to some of the alarm bells but stayed anyway. Then had a very bad time for the days afterwards. I'm trying to get rid of the Shoulds as I figure out how to rebalance my life and what job suits me. Its soooooo hard though!
I relate SO much to the "shoulds" about "being an adult." I felt like I was never going to become a "real adult" until I learned how to manage all my needs on my own. This is interesting to me because when I look at the neurotypical adults around me I realize that they're not doing this either. They call friends and ask for meal trains and discuss options endlessly before decisions when they need to. I was so convinced that I wouldn't be a legitimate adult if I admitted to my support needs that I swung the pendulum much further in the other direction than people WITHOUT my challenges often do.
Hi Charlie, thank you for letting us know more about how you needed help in order to decide and action your need to leave early.
I really relate to all of what you write. I have spent a lot of time thinking that I am wrong and that my needs are wrong. The last time I visited friends, far away from where I live, I stayed up later than I wanted on both nights (even after the 4-5 hours of travelling on public transport to get there, I still didn't think I was allowed to go to bed early). On the second night, everything went to pot, plans changed at the last minute, we were out really late, even though I had a train to catch the next morning. I had, what I know now, was a complete meltdown. I took myself off on my own and just could not stop crying. People kept coming into me telling me not to cry and they'd buy me new train tickets if I missed my train but everyone was really drunk and it was not helpful. I don't ever want to go through it again so I try to avoid visiting, instead of explaining my needs. I don't think I'm helped by the fact that I don't have that official diagnosis yet and I still have that voice saying "What if you're wrong? What if you are just useless?"
I 'should' myself a lot and feel a lot of shame because I feel like I should be better at life than this. This mixed with a constant feeling of thinking everyone else is more important than me leads to experiences like the one above. I like to think it wouldn't be the case if I'd known when I was younger but I will never know.
I am going to try and be more open about my needs and have more compassion for myself. And ask myself "What do I need in this moment?" because I matter too! Thank you, Charlie. 🖤
"Compassion for the shame. Compassion for your inner child. Compassion for the you that is grown but vulnerable. Compassion for your Self. "
Amen to that. Finding out late in life that you're running a different operating system to the rest of the world is brutal. The first thing to do is reprioritise yourself. And yeah, it is HARD.
I had this problem tonight at a school event with my kids. There were four adults present to shadow two kids--me, my husband, and my parents--and I knew going in that this event is a sensory nightmare for me, and I felt myself getting tired and crabby and still was like welp I want to go home but nobody elae does so 🤷🏼♀️ Until my husband said hey you wanna go wait for us in the car? Gave me a break that let me put my disregulated kids to bed an hour later and finish the evening feeling pretty good. But wouldn't have occurred to me as an option if he hadn't auggested it.
I dont have the words right now to write everything i feel about this topic, but lets just say it was a great timing for me to get this newsletter today. So THANK you. Very well written words that i related to a lot.
Feeling such a big 'me too' with all of this. I think, even more than a fear of what others will think, the FOMO - specifically, the fear that life will pass me by - is my biggest obstacle to fully embracing my needs. Because I'd probably end up saying No to almost everything, and then my world will become even smaller. The linking of shame with shoulds makes so much sense. I've been making progress in this area lately through the work of David Bedrick on 'Unshaming' - really powerful stuff. Thank you for another brilliantly written and insightful article.
What a good addition to the last story, it’s really validating for me that it’s not ‘wrong’ to ask/expect some help with these kind of things. Of course it’s important to learn to feel your needs and state your own boundaries, but sometimes it’s as if that means you have to do it all alone.
Probably my worst trauma is when I was so burned our after Xmas at my partners parents house and I was still there, I was supposed to meet him downtown later that day but I was having such a melt down that I couldn’t even go down stairs to get myself food, so I called him in a bit of a panic to discuss what to do and he was so annoyed with me for not ‘figuring it out’. I was so ashamed for being that way, that I dragged myself to that dinner party for him, only to have him be mad at me at the end of the night for ‘having to worry about me.’ He is my ex now. 😐 But that belief has stuck with me for so long.
I used to catch myself saying ‘I hate you’ to myself, which I have since replaced with asking myself ‘what do you need.’ It makes all the difference. It’s still super bizarre to ‘have disabilities’ after ‘functioning’ for so long. I know exactly what you mean. I just learned I’m getting the full disability benefits. Can you believe it? I mean, experts assess these things so maybe I’m not exaggerating after all? 🤔
Ps. Your last post is the first ‘non essential email’ I’ve managed to read since burnout (2 years in), and I was like: OMG, I read an email newsletter, yay, go girl, progressss. And now I’m commenting, crazy town. 🙏
You go girl :) xxx
Thank-you for this. As someone whose "shoulds" are many, I stayed through a work thing last week past the point at which I could cope. I've gotten used to some of the alarm bells but stayed anyway. Then had a very bad time for the days afterwards. I'm trying to get rid of the Shoulds as I figure out how to rebalance my life and what job suits me. Its soooooo hard though!
I relate SO much to the "shoulds" about "being an adult." I felt like I was never going to become a "real adult" until I learned how to manage all my needs on my own. This is interesting to me because when I look at the neurotypical adults around me I realize that they're not doing this either. They call friends and ask for meal trains and discuss options endlessly before decisions when they need to. I was so convinced that I wouldn't be a legitimate adult if I admitted to my support needs that I swung the pendulum much further in the other direction than people WITHOUT my challenges often do.
Hi Charlie, thank you for letting us know more about how you needed help in order to decide and action your need to leave early.
I really relate to all of what you write. I have spent a lot of time thinking that I am wrong and that my needs are wrong. The last time I visited friends, far away from where I live, I stayed up later than I wanted on both nights (even after the 4-5 hours of travelling on public transport to get there, I still didn't think I was allowed to go to bed early). On the second night, everything went to pot, plans changed at the last minute, we were out really late, even though I had a train to catch the next morning. I had, what I know now, was a complete meltdown. I took myself off on my own and just could not stop crying. People kept coming into me telling me not to cry and they'd buy me new train tickets if I missed my train but everyone was really drunk and it was not helpful. I don't ever want to go through it again so I try to avoid visiting, instead of explaining my needs. I don't think I'm helped by the fact that I don't have that official diagnosis yet and I still have that voice saying "What if you're wrong? What if you are just useless?"
I 'should' myself a lot and feel a lot of shame because I feel like I should be better at life than this. This mixed with a constant feeling of thinking everyone else is more important than me leads to experiences like the one above. I like to think it wouldn't be the case if I'd known when I was younger but I will never know.
I am going to try and be more open about my needs and have more compassion for myself. And ask myself "What do I need in this moment?" because I matter too! Thank you, Charlie. 🖤
"Compassion for the shame. Compassion for your inner child. Compassion for the you that is grown but vulnerable. Compassion for your Self. "
Amen to that. Finding out late in life that you're running a different operating system to the rest of the world is brutal. The first thing to do is reprioritise yourself. And yeah, it is HARD.
I had this problem tonight at a school event with my kids. There were four adults present to shadow two kids--me, my husband, and my parents--and I knew going in that this event is a sensory nightmare for me, and I felt myself getting tired and crabby and still was like welp I want to go home but nobody elae does so 🤷🏼♀️ Until my husband said hey you wanna go wait for us in the car? Gave me a break that let me put my disregulated kids to bed an hour later and finish the evening feeling pretty good. But wouldn't have occurred to me as an option if he hadn't auggested it.
I dont have the words right now to write everything i feel about this topic, but lets just say it was a great timing for me to get this newsletter today. So THANK you. Very well written words that i related to a lot.
Feeling such a big 'me too' with all of this. I think, even more than a fear of what others will think, the FOMO - specifically, the fear that life will pass me by - is my biggest obstacle to fully embracing my needs. Because I'd probably end up saying No to almost everything, and then my world will become even smaller. The linking of shame with shoulds makes so much sense. I've been making progress in this area lately through the work of David Bedrick on 'Unshaming' - really powerful stuff. Thank you for another brilliantly written and insightful article.
You write so eloquently and find myself reflecting a lot on my needs and inability to meet them. Thank you 💚