Absolutely agree with you, Charlie - in 2020 I googled 'why do I hate answering the phone' and realised it was yet another autistic trait. (At the time I was in an office job & beginning to piece together my own neurodivergence, so this was interesting information!) I generally prefer text & email, and don't even phone my own husband - although I do enjoy surprising him with the odd phone call, when I feel like hearing his voice instead of texting, and in those instances he answers immediately thinking there must be something wrong, or why else would I be calling??! lol
From a fellow neurodivergent gal, have you tried Marco Polo? It's an asynchronous video chat app and it is absolutely ***ESSENTIAL*** for me to stay in touch with my friends, especially long-distance! You can send videos back and forth to each other whenever is best for you, removing the pressure of phone calls. My friends and I often text in between videos too, often about what we said in our videos, so it creates this lovely, ongoing conversation (although we of course completely understand if any of us need to take breaks and or take longer to respond). HIGHLY RECOMMEND. Marco Polo is free to use and has Premium features that you may very quickly desire — it's the only paid app I use :)
oooo no I haven't!! Keisha mentioned this in their comment too. Sounds like a really useful app. What's the difference between it and sending videos on WhatsApp for example in your experience?
In my experience, sending videos through messaging apps doesn't always work or takes a while or the playback is horrible. Marco Polo doesn't have any of those problems and the videos don't take up storage space on your phone! It also has great features like watching the videos at 1.5x speed, taking notes while you listen, etc. The only downside is getting your friends onboard with it, but in my experience, once they try it they love it 🥰
I can so relate. I also prefer texting; definitely like making adjustments to my messages before sending. For sure, this helps relieve some anxiety. I'm in my early 50s and wish we had texting when I was in high school and college. Calling is still awkward for me with strangers. Recently, we had to schedule a handyman to fix something in our home. I loved that he had a texting option.
Oh, by the way, I love your patio creation. It's gorgeous!
Oh that is wonderful to have the option of texting! Since I noticed these patterns in myself I've realised how inaccessible many services can be because they still rely so heavily on the phone.
And thank you - I appreciate that! I particularly love the pink one that my husband spotted - it's pretty unique.
I have a friend with whom I used to be in contact with every day for like 4 years or so. But then, I don't even know when and how it happened, I noticed that we were texting less and less and at this point, we only text each other like one day a week. But we still act like the best friends we always were, and somehow it just drains me. I would love to have long conversations with her over the phone, whether it's texting or calling, but I also feel like the more I try, the more I annoy her or something. Even though she never gave me signals that I do annoy her. (We cannot really meet in person because we live pretty far away and fun fact, never saw each other in person, hah.)
I'm an avid texter, or textrovert (which, if I'm correct, should be the extroverted texter but introverted in real life). I love texting, perhaps even more than meeting people in real life because then you have to get out of your comfort zone, enter the busy world and pay insane amounts of money for coffee and everything. But I also like calling (with people I know, at least), so thank you for this article, because I will offer my friend to have a call if that works better for her. Hope it's gonna work out!
Oh, this is so interesting because I've thought a lot about my communication preferences since realizing I'm autistic, and they're very much along these same lines. With people I know well, I'm more comfortable with phone calls, but with people I don't know I prefer written communication. I don't actually prefer video calls with anyone - they make me self conscious because I can see myself - but I'm still more comfortable with people I know well. I couldn't do therapy via video call, for example, because seeing myself makes it harder to be vulnerable.
Oh I relate to the discomfort of being able to see yourself! I have video calls with my therapist the majority of the time but she turns off the view of me on my screen so only she can see me which is SO vital. There's too much visual information to process otherwise.
I have always hated answering or making phone calls. There are some people I can call and be fine - my partner, my Mum - but I would much rather write, be face-to-face or video chat on FaceTime or Zoom. Unfortunately, a lot of people dislike video chat so I am very reliant on a WhatsApp group for catching up with friends. But, it's okay as I am naturally a very solitary person so the odd WhatsApp message works for me.
The trend of not liking to call strangers but liking to call friends + family really resonates. One really nice thing I've been doing with one of my friends who lives far away is calling while doing the same chore each week (folding laundry which i dislike intensely). it's such a nice way to consistently catch up and also have some company + mild accountability on getting everything folded.
I haven't tried using voice notes but think that they seem like a nice in between between calling and texting for the friends I have who are busy but prefer calling to texting - maybe something to ask them about and try soon!
What a delightful ritual you have in place with your friend. That honestly sounds so so lovely (and useful!!). One of my friends who lives in a different country to me suggested that a while back but I was too burned out to commit - now I feel a bit better, I think I will raise it with them again! Thanks for the inspo.
Gaaaaah, yes! My adult kids are both callers and got fed up with my texting. We also did miss the in person contact once they'd left home. We've found a solution of arranging calls and doing video calls. I prepare myself for a live actual call and the video call feels more natural and comfortable than a voice call. More like being in the room together. But voice calls - eugh! Voice calls with strangers? Are you joking??!
I'm so happy to hear you've found a solution that works well for all of you! I totally get what you're saying about being able to prepare yourself for a call - my anxiety is a lot lower if I know exactly when to expect the call and how long it's expected to go on for.
Ooh yeah, I'm 100% a texter although I also love voice notes. But phone calls... Nope. Especially not if there is any background noise.
If the other person is driving/in public/eating, I cannot concentrate on anything else and find myself getting more and more infuriated until I hang up. I'm ND and have misophonia. I used to have to call my mum every day as part of her care team and she would have the radio AND the TV on and within 5 minutes I'd be silently crying tears of frustration. It was my nightmare, but it wasn't her fault and it wasn't mine. It was just an infuriating situation for us both.
So yeah, now I'm voice notes - for some reason I can tune out background noise then but I feel more in control - and text pretty much. I don't like long letters or emails. I actually had to break up with a few friends who couldn't meet me halfway. I still feel sad about it.
I also don't have many local-to-me friends or people who are on the same time zone, so I tend to just voice note a select group of people if I feel lonely. Or put on a chatty podcast. I actually really like chatty podcasts as a way to listen without always having to engage. Anyway! I'm super glad you've managed to find a way that works for you and your friend and talk it out. It's such a good feeling when you're all on the same page! Xx
background noise... the bane of my life! one of the reasons why I so hated working in an open plan office and having to have phonecalls with other people in their open plan offices... so much conflicting and overlapping background noise from all angles!
...i love this...i am a soon-to-be empty nester+my closet friends all live non-locally/have small children/work odd shifts. i think this an excellent time to check-in with them to get an update on preferences. for me, the latest season of life has led me to need a lot more reflection time. i currently prefer texts an/or record-when-i-can, watch-when-they-can videos via MarcoPolo
when the holidays approach, i tend towards more in person meet-ups. can't wait to hear my friends updates if any. thank you for sharing!💜
Really enjoyed reading this and relate to basically all of it - and sounds like it resonated with lots of others too, which is always reassuring 🥰 You’ve got me thinking that an honest chat with my ‘home’ friends could be a really great way to ease some anxieties I have about the strength of our relationship since I moved away and they started families etc.
I definitely prefer text, but do feel like it’s a battle with my ADHD ‘out of sight, out of mind’ issue, where I read messages and forget to respond for weeks at a time 😬
Absolutely agree with you, Charlie - in 2020 I googled 'why do I hate answering the phone' and realised it was yet another autistic trait. (At the time I was in an office job & beginning to piece together my own neurodivergence, so this was interesting information!) I generally prefer text & email, and don't even phone my own husband - although I do enjoy surprising him with the odd phone call, when I feel like hearing his voice instead of texting, and in those instances he answers immediately thinking there must be something wrong, or why else would I be calling??! lol
oh my gosh Jessica, me too!! one of the many questions I googled thinking 'other people surely feel the same way'.
From a fellow neurodivergent gal, have you tried Marco Polo? It's an asynchronous video chat app and it is absolutely ***ESSENTIAL*** for me to stay in touch with my friends, especially long-distance! You can send videos back and forth to each other whenever is best for you, removing the pressure of phone calls. My friends and I often text in between videos too, often about what we said in our videos, so it creates this lovely, ongoing conversation (although we of course completely understand if any of us need to take breaks and or take longer to respond). HIGHLY RECOMMEND. Marco Polo is free to use and has Premium features that you may very quickly desire — it's the only paid app I use :)
oooo no I haven't!! Keisha mentioned this in their comment too. Sounds like a really useful app. What's the difference between it and sending videos on WhatsApp for example in your experience?
In my experience, sending videos through messaging apps doesn't always work or takes a while or the playback is horrible. Marco Polo doesn't have any of those problems and the videos don't take up storage space on your phone! It also has great features like watching the videos at 1.5x speed, taking notes while you listen, etc. The only downside is getting your friends onboard with it, but in my experience, once they try it they love it 🥰
Oh wow! This does sound fabulous, especially the 1.5 playback speed and notes function. Thank you 🥰
I can so relate. I also prefer texting; definitely like making adjustments to my messages before sending. For sure, this helps relieve some anxiety. I'm in my early 50s and wish we had texting when I was in high school and college. Calling is still awkward for me with strangers. Recently, we had to schedule a handyman to fix something in our home. I loved that he had a texting option.
Oh, by the way, I love your patio creation. It's gorgeous!
Oh that is wonderful to have the option of texting! Since I noticed these patterns in myself I've realised how inaccessible many services can be because they still rely so heavily on the phone.
And thank you - I appreciate that! I particularly love the pink one that my husband spotted - it's pretty unique.
I have a friend with whom I used to be in contact with every day for like 4 years or so. But then, I don't even know when and how it happened, I noticed that we were texting less and less and at this point, we only text each other like one day a week. But we still act like the best friends we always were, and somehow it just drains me. I would love to have long conversations with her over the phone, whether it's texting or calling, but I also feel like the more I try, the more I annoy her or something. Even though she never gave me signals that I do annoy her. (We cannot really meet in person because we live pretty far away and fun fact, never saw each other in person, hah.)
I'm an avid texter, or textrovert (which, if I'm correct, should be the extroverted texter but introverted in real life). I love texting, perhaps even more than meeting people in real life because then you have to get out of your comfort zone, enter the busy world and pay insane amounts of money for coffee and everything. But I also like calling (with people I know, at least), so thank you for this article, because I will offer my friend to have a call if that works better for her. Hope it's gonna work out!
'textrovert' - love that 😂 that's very much me!! Sending you lots of luck and love for your conversation with your friend!!
Thank you Charlie!
Oh, this is so interesting because I've thought a lot about my communication preferences since realizing I'm autistic, and they're very much along these same lines. With people I know well, I'm more comfortable with phone calls, but with people I don't know I prefer written communication. I don't actually prefer video calls with anyone - they make me self conscious because I can see myself - but I'm still more comfortable with people I know well. I couldn't do therapy via video call, for example, because seeing myself makes it harder to be vulnerable.
Oh I relate to the discomfort of being able to see yourself! I have video calls with my therapist the majority of the time but she turns off the view of me on my screen so only she can see me which is SO vital. There's too much visual information to process otherwise.
I have always hated answering or making phone calls. There are some people I can call and be fine - my partner, my Mum - but I would much rather write, be face-to-face or video chat on FaceTime or Zoom. Unfortunately, a lot of people dislike video chat so I am very reliant on a WhatsApp group for catching up with friends. But, it's okay as I am naturally a very solitary person so the odd WhatsApp message works for me.
The trend of not liking to call strangers but liking to call friends + family really resonates. One really nice thing I've been doing with one of my friends who lives far away is calling while doing the same chore each week (folding laundry which i dislike intensely). it's such a nice way to consistently catch up and also have some company + mild accountability on getting everything folded.
I haven't tried using voice notes but think that they seem like a nice in between between calling and texting for the friends I have who are busy but prefer calling to texting - maybe something to ask them about and try soon!
What a delightful ritual you have in place with your friend. That honestly sounds so so lovely (and useful!!). One of my friends who lives in a different country to me suggested that a while back but I was too burned out to commit - now I feel a bit better, I think I will raise it with them again! Thanks for the inspo.
Gaaaaah, yes! My adult kids are both callers and got fed up with my texting. We also did miss the in person contact once they'd left home. We've found a solution of arranging calls and doing video calls. I prepare myself for a live actual call and the video call feels more natural and comfortable than a voice call. More like being in the room together. But voice calls - eugh! Voice calls with strangers? Are you joking??!
I'm so happy to hear you've found a solution that works well for all of you! I totally get what you're saying about being able to prepare yourself for a call - my anxiety is a lot lower if I know exactly when to expect the call and how long it's expected to go on for.
Ooh yeah, I'm 100% a texter although I also love voice notes. But phone calls... Nope. Especially not if there is any background noise.
If the other person is driving/in public/eating, I cannot concentrate on anything else and find myself getting more and more infuriated until I hang up. I'm ND and have misophonia. I used to have to call my mum every day as part of her care team and she would have the radio AND the TV on and within 5 minutes I'd be silently crying tears of frustration. It was my nightmare, but it wasn't her fault and it wasn't mine. It was just an infuriating situation for us both.
So yeah, now I'm voice notes - for some reason I can tune out background noise then but I feel more in control - and text pretty much. I don't like long letters or emails. I actually had to break up with a few friends who couldn't meet me halfway. I still feel sad about it.
I also don't have many local-to-me friends or people who are on the same time zone, so I tend to just voice note a select group of people if I feel lonely. Or put on a chatty podcast. I actually really like chatty podcasts as a way to listen without always having to engage. Anyway! I'm super glad you've managed to find a way that works for you and your friend and talk it out. It's such a good feeling when you're all on the same page! Xx
background noise... the bane of my life! one of the reasons why I so hated working in an open plan office and having to have phonecalls with other people in their open plan offices... so much conflicting and overlapping background noise from all angles!
...i love this...i am a soon-to-be empty nester+my closet friends all live non-locally/have small children/work odd shifts. i think this an excellent time to check-in with them to get an update on preferences. for me, the latest season of life has led me to need a lot more reflection time. i currently prefer texts an/or record-when-i-can, watch-when-they-can videos via MarcoPolo
when the holidays approach, i tend towards more in person meet-ups. can't wait to hear my friends updates if any. thank you for sharing!💜
if you decide to check in with your friends on preferences I hope it fills your soul with ease ☺️❤️
Really enjoyed reading this and relate to basically all of it - and sounds like it resonated with lots of others too, which is always reassuring 🥰 You’ve got me thinking that an honest chat with my ‘home’ friends could be a really great way to ease some anxieties I have about the strength of our relationship since I moved away and they started families etc.
I definitely prefer text, but do feel like it’s a battle with my ADHD ‘out of sight, out of mind’ issue, where I read messages and forget to respond for weeks at a time 😬
Lots of food for thought, thanks Charlie 🫶