Relate to this so much. Expectation is a beast, and what contributed greatly to my burnout. I saw everyone else appear to be achieving certain benchmarks and I felt behind. Instead of working to accept myself and my path, I doubled down and worked harder. The end result was not good. I do get lonely in day to day life. I love my husband but don’t have any family and I’m still recovering from chronic fatigue, so I do spend too much time online. Ironically the more I ditch my phone and just be with myself, my thoughts, my books, my hobbies, I feel less alone. The Internet is great but it’s totally designed to make us feel inadequate. That’s how it hooks us. I love YouTube but can’t even go on anymore because everything I see is aspirational hot girls and I’m so so happy for them but I’m in a challenging phase of life and just need to be kind to myself. Loved this essay ♥️
I so relate to everything you've shared here Suzanne. Finding connection to myself through my own world has been an enjoyable experience that social media was getting in the way of - I love what you said about feeling less lonely when off of it (of course loneliness still exists but it is less exacerbated, I find). I still find myself whiling away time online occasionally, but it's more enjoyable now that it is balanced out by investing what energy I do have in the reality around me that - although slow - is MINE. Thank you for sharing and for your kind words about the essay. ❤️
Love your resistance suggestions! We all have to do our best to stay cognizant of the social media marketing machine and how it is designed to make us feel bad or less than, then sell us 'solutions'.
Beautiful post where my mind felt connected with the words but I’ll be honest, also overwhelmed with the words (I’m finding a correlation between screen time on social media and the ability to read a full article without resulting to skim reading).
So many threads to unpack. I’ll start here, I’m awaiting confirmation of a late diagnosis of autism and ADHD. My mind/body/thoughts/feelings often feel sliced in half. As though I have two people with contrasting wants and needs. I wonder if anyone else relates? In the meantime the tool I am using is self compassion. I’m learning how to parent myself as well as my own children.
After the birth of my third child, I was diagnosed with chronic pain and fatigue. Nothing like *not* being able-bodied or able to leave the house, to force you to slow down and appreciate the life you lived before, but also, finally, begin the process (at the near mid-life age of 39) of listening to my poor body. My fibromyalgia, CFS and crippling anxiety make leaving my home (at present) a complete impossibility. I’m having to navigate early motherhood with little to no in-person connection. The closest I have come to any sense of community is Substack.
I say all of this because I know I’m far from the only person living with their own set of unique circumstances that make for a very busy but lonely existence. I’m down to using one social media app, (if I don’t include this space), and each time I fire it up, I’m hoping and expecting a different result; I know deep down I’m seeking connection but what I see/hear/feel is a sense of comparison and despair and yet, if it was that easy to leave, we’d all be offline and outside more often….instead, the urge to press a button and spend money to solve this weeks ‘problems’ just feels so much easier. Yet the result is nil. For me the buzz has already gone the minute I’ve checked out.
Thank you for the resistance suggestions. When I am free of my caring responsibilities when my partner is home later, I will re-read this and endeavour to go a little deeper. One thing I have started doing, when short on both energy + time to myself is drawing in my journal instead of writing. Something about it is deeply satisfying for my inner child.
Hi Louise! I'm going to take your points in turn - but first, an overall reflection if I may: wow, you are dealing with a lot right now with your diagnoses, exploring neurodivergence, and becoming a new mother. It's so unfair you are having to navigate all of this at once, especially without physical proximity to a support system, but I just wanted to celebrate you for your showing up for yourself despite the challenges. You're very inspiring.
I admire your honesty about your current ability to read full articles! I too find the same, and have to really force myself to take a deep breathe and slow down enough to read whole pieces. I don't 'force' myself to when the article isn't appealing to me, but if it is I am practicing the act of re-reading if I need to. I think re-developing this muscle is a practice after so many hours spent on short-form videos on social media where the effort required to consume information is virtually zero.
I definitely relate to the feeling of being split down the middle. In fact that's exactly how I described it in my early journal entries when I was processing the new information that I might be AuDHD. As time goes on, it becomes easier to piece together how these 'parts' that are so opposing operate 'together' in ourselves - I think it's different for every AuDHD person, but with time, knowledge and patience (and medication!) I have found I am starting to feel more like a 'whole' person again. I don't know if this makes sense, but I guess I'm offering some reassurance that over time your brain will start to re-process this new knowledge about yourself and integrate it all together as just 'YOU'.
Your self-awareness about how you feel when you do go online is admirable!! I sense the self-compassion you are growing in yourself but I wish to offer a suggestion, if I may - that even when you do spend more time online than you would hope you offer yourself this compassion. You said 'if it was that easy to leave we'd all be offline and outside ore often' - I couldn't agree more - the big businesses that run these social media companies know how to keep us trapped. It's not all on us.
Drawing in your journal instead of writing sounds so soothing, and like you're tapping back into a creative part of yourself that revels in play! What a lovely place to be.
I have become rather carried away with writing to you, but your comment really touched me - I'm sending you a huge amount of love. Oh, and I know that it is still 'online' but I have a WhatsApp community that specifically has a parenting group for ND people (amongst other groups - I'm currently asking the community if they want a separate group specifically about chronic health issues too which I think will be a resounding yes). Absolutely no pressure to join, but just wanted to make sure you know you are so welcome if you think it would be a useful source of support!
I really love your framing and offering of small acts of resistance. I think I'll focus this week on reflecting on the touch-points I have with people in my day-to-day reality. I surely need more and am curious about finding them in low-stakes ways—giving a friend a call instead of texting, trying out a new ritual of working outside of my apartment, continuing to try out various walk/run/bike clubs in my city.
Your reflections on neurodiversity and social media also resonate big time. I got to hear Prentiss Hemphill talk about their new book a few weeks ago, and their gentle suggestion that social media is not conducive to figuring out our "right action," or unique offerings to the world and all its suffering, has stuck with me. I'm trying to work with this reality by establishing practices like yours of creating rather than spending time on screens!
Thank you! I get so caught up in all-or-nothing thinking sometimes that I try to 'fix' it all at once - small acts of resistance feels a lot more manageable and has room for self-compassion. I would love to hear how your cultivation of low-stake touch-points (love this phrasing) goes - it sounds like you've already got a great springboard to start from.
I hadn't come across Prentiss, but will now see if I can request their book at my library - thank you for sharing their work Mila!!
In regards to your comment about your thriving whatsapp community- and it really is thriving (!!), I would absolutely love to know how you've managed to build such a wonderful community from your substack. I saw a post/ article by Katherine May on building a community rather than a readership on here and you've done exactly this x
Oh I read that essay from Katherine too, Ruth - it was an interesting read! I am so happy to hear you see REWILD as a place of community not 'just' readership, but I will have to reflect on this as in truth I've not really thought about the reasons why we have all ended up here. I'd love to give you a bullet point list, but I think I will need to think about it and potentially relate back to you in an essay at some point. As I write this response to you, the main thing I feel in my bones is that it is not about me - although my essays are deeply personal, I energetically feel that both I and my 'readers' experience the same underlying feelings and emotions and challenges, and that people are drawn to places where they see themselves mirrored in other people's experiences. ❤️
Ah every word 100% 😭 I’m also have AuDHD so I honestly feel like you’re speaking from my heart❤️ it’s so difficult sometimes in this world and feels so lonely, I’m trying my best to just be and often that’s such a task.. let alone expectations of others and my own.
Thanks so much for the great piece, I hope we can connect🙏🏽
Years ago, one of my favorite Buddhist teachers, Shell Fischer, told us during a retreat, “Don’t should all over yourself.”
I’ve never forgotten that statement.
And now I will not forget it either, thanks to you passing it on. 🙏
Relate to this so much. Expectation is a beast, and what contributed greatly to my burnout. I saw everyone else appear to be achieving certain benchmarks and I felt behind. Instead of working to accept myself and my path, I doubled down and worked harder. The end result was not good. I do get lonely in day to day life. I love my husband but don’t have any family and I’m still recovering from chronic fatigue, so I do spend too much time online. Ironically the more I ditch my phone and just be with myself, my thoughts, my books, my hobbies, I feel less alone. The Internet is great but it’s totally designed to make us feel inadequate. That’s how it hooks us. I love YouTube but can’t even go on anymore because everything I see is aspirational hot girls and I’m so so happy for them but I’m in a challenging phase of life and just need to be kind to myself. Loved this essay ♥️
“The internet is totally designed to make us feel inadequate.” 💯 this!!! Agreed. ❤️
So spot on!!
I so relate to everything you've shared here Suzanne. Finding connection to myself through my own world has been an enjoyable experience that social media was getting in the way of - I love what you said about feeling less lonely when off of it (of course loneliness still exists but it is less exacerbated, I find). I still find myself whiling away time online occasionally, but it's more enjoyable now that it is balanced out by investing what energy I do have in the reality around me that - although slow - is MINE. Thank you for sharing and for your kind words about the essay. ❤️
Love your resistance suggestions! We all have to do our best to stay cognizant of the social media marketing machine and how it is designed to make us feel bad or less than, then sell us 'solutions'.
I'm glad you found them helpful Billie! Thanks so much for reading.
Beautiful post where my mind felt connected with the words but I’ll be honest, also overwhelmed with the words (I’m finding a correlation between screen time on social media and the ability to read a full article without resulting to skim reading).
So many threads to unpack. I’ll start here, I’m awaiting confirmation of a late diagnosis of autism and ADHD. My mind/body/thoughts/feelings often feel sliced in half. As though I have two people with contrasting wants and needs. I wonder if anyone else relates? In the meantime the tool I am using is self compassion. I’m learning how to parent myself as well as my own children.
After the birth of my third child, I was diagnosed with chronic pain and fatigue. Nothing like *not* being able-bodied or able to leave the house, to force you to slow down and appreciate the life you lived before, but also, finally, begin the process (at the near mid-life age of 39) of listening to my poor body. My fibromyalgia, CFS and crippling anxiety make leaving my home (at present) a complete impossibility. I’m having to navigate early motherhood with little to no in-person connection. The closest I have come to any sense of community is Substack.
I say all of this because I know I’m far from the only person living with their own set of unique circumstances that make for a very busy but lonely existence. I’m down to using one social media app, (if I don’t include this space), and each time I fire it up, I’m hoping and expecting a different result; I know deep down I’m seeking connection but what I see/hear/feel is a sense of comparison and despair and yet, if it was that easy to leave, we’d all be offline and outside more often….instead, the urge to press a button and spend money to solve this weeks ‘problems’ just feels so much easier. Yet the result is nil. For me the buzz has already gone the minute I’ve checked out.
Thank you for the resistance suggestions. When I am free of my caring responsibilities when my partner is home later, I will re-read this and endeavour to go a little deeper. One thing I have started doing, when short on both energy + time to myself is drawing in my journal instead of writing. Something about it is deeply satisfying for my inner child.
Thank you for being here and holding this space ✨
Hi Louise! I'm going to take your points in turn - but first, an overall reflection if I may: wow, you are dealing with a lot right now with your diagnoses, exploring neurodivergence, and becoming a new mother. It's so unfair you are having to navigate all of this at once, especially without physical proximity to a support system, but I just wanted to celebrate you for your showing up for yourself despite the challenges. You're very inspiring.
I admire your honesty about your current ability to read full articles! I too find the same, and have to really force myself to take a deep breathe and slow down enough to read whole pieces. I don't 'force' myself to when the article isn't appealing to me, but if it is I am practicing the act of re-reading if I need to. I think re-developing this muscle is a practice after so many hours spent on short-form videos on social media where the effort required to consume information is virtually zero.
I definitely relate to the feeling of being split down the middle. In fact that's exactly how I described it in my early journal entries when I was processing the new information that I might be AuDHD. As time goes on, it becomes easier to piece together how these 'parts' that are so opposing operate 'together' in ourselves - I think it's different for every AuDHD person, but with time, knowledge and patience (and medication!) I have found I am starting to feel more like a 'whole' person again. I don't know if this makes sense, but I guess I'm offering some reassurance that over time your brain will start to re-process this new knowledge about yourself and integrate it all together as just 'YOU'.
Your self-awareness about how you feel when you do go online is admirable!! I sense the self-compassion you are growing in yourself but I wish to offer a suggestion, if I may - that even when you do spend more time online than you would hope you offer yourself this compassion. You said 'if it was that easy to leave we'd all be offline and outside ore often' - I couldn't agree more - the big businesses that run these social media companies know how to keep us trapped. It's not all on us.
Drawing in your journal instead of writing sounds so soothing, and like you're tapping back into a creative part of yourself that revels in play! What a lovely place to be.
I have become rather carried away with writing to you, but your comment really touched me - I'm sending you a huge amount of love. Oh, and I know that it is still 'online' but I have a WhatsApp community that specifically has a parenting group for ND people (amongst other groups - I'm currently asking the community if they want a separate group specifically about chronic health issues too which I think will be a resounding yes). Absolutely no pressure to join, but just wanted to make sure you know you are so welcome if you think it would be a useful source of support!
I really love your framing and offering of small acts of resistance. I think I'll focus this week on reflecting on the touch-points I have with people in my day-to-day reality. I surely need more and am curious about finding them in low-stakes ways—giving a friend a call instead of texting, trying out a new ritual of working outside of my apartment, continuing to try out various walk/run/bike clubs in my city.
Your reflections on neurodiversity and social media also resonate big time. I got to hear Prentiss Hemphill talk about their new book a few weeks ago, and their gentle suggestion that social media is not conducive to figuring out our "right action," or unique offerings to the world and all its suffering, has stuck with me. I'm trying to work with this reality by establishing practices like yours of creating rather than spending time on screens!
Thank you! I get so caught up in all-or-nothing thinking sometimes that I try to 'fix' it all at once - small acts of resistance feels a lot more manageable and has room for self-compassion. I would love to hear how your cultivation of low-stake touch-points (love this phrasing) goes - it sounds like you've already got a great springboard to start from.
I hadn't come across Prentiss, but will now see if I can request their book at my library - thank you for sharing their work Mila!!
In regards to your comment about your thriving whatsapp community- and it really is thriving (!!), I would absolutely love to know how you've managed to build such a wonderful community from your substack. I saw a post/ article by Katherine May on building a community rather than a readership on here and you've done exactly this x
Oh I read that essay from Katherine too, Ruth - it was an interesting read! I am so happy to hear you see REWILD as a place of community not 'just' readership, but I will have to reflect on this as in truth I've not really thought about the reasons why we have all ended up here. I'd love to give you a bullet point list, but I think I will need to think about it and potentially relate back to you in an essay at some point. As I write this response to you, the main thing I feel in my bones is that it is not about me - although my essays are deeply personal, I energetically feel that both I and my 'readers' experience the same underlying feelings and emotions and challenges, and that people are drawn to places where they see themselves mirrored in other people's experiences. ❤️
Yes, this makes sense- and takes so much bravery.
Ah every word 100% 😭 I’m also have AuDHD so I honestly feel like you’re speaking from my heart❤️ it’s so difficult sometimes in this world and feels so lonely, I’m trying my best to just be and often that’s such a task.. let alone expectations of others and my own.
Thanks so much for the great piece, I hope we can connect🙏🏽