"Socialising in groups feels like having multiple browsers open on a laptop screen for each person that I manually flick through to record, analyse, and recall data..."
It feels so good when someone else has the magic ability to map out the acute stress of things that are meant to be fun, and indeed are fun for others. This articulation is everything.
I can really relate to this, Charlie, except I foolishly don't always take myself out of situations that end up being too much for me, often because I am far away from home and reliant on public transport to get me home. I am very glad that you saw that you needed to leave early and did just that. I am going to try and be better with myself with the same things because we most definitely are different, not less.
Thank you for sharing! I can really relate to the need for a debrief post big social event, and the self analysis. Scanning back and wondering whether I said something wrong/ offended anyone/ questioning if someone could took something the wrong way... Makes them tiring for sureeee
I can relate to this, especially the part that says “I am working on letting it be okay that I am less able than others”. This is also where I am at the moment.
What I find frustrating is that all this leads me to be inconsistent with everything, even with hobbies and things that I normally enjoy. The more inputs and stress I have, the less I am able to do, even daily simple tasks. There was a time where I had so much stress at work that when I was at home all I could do was staring at the wall for an entire day with my head full of things I can’t even explain.
Balancing the energy between work and free time is kinda challenging for me.
This is a really great piece - much of it I can relate to. I often find in large gatherings I have to seek out one person I feel comfortable with and talk to them. Like you touched on socializing as a neurodivergent person requires so much extra processing. Thanks for sharing!
This is a really beautifully written post. My elderly parent self-diagnosed as autistic a couple of years ago, and I really felt her social struggles mirroring what you have described, especially this:
"I have to make sure I’ve not done anything strenuous or outside of my usual routine for at least a week beforehand, I have to pack as many of my comfort items that I need to have any possibility of being able to sleep, I have to follow the schedule I created and hope nothing changes (else it’ll be very deregulating for my nervous system), I have to enquire about plans for the weekend ahead of time and hope people stick to them - all whilst socialising for longer and with more people than my brain can keep up with."
My mother has experienced a lot of pain in her life. Thank you for sharing your world. It helps me understand mine a little better.
Can you imagine how a neurotypical would cope if their brain suddenly worked like ours! I don't think we're less able, I think we are dealing with a lot more! I'm also working on leaving things early/adapting so I can do things on my terms both for my chronic illness and Audhd. I've just posted about turning FOMO into JOMO
Incredibly articulated - especially your description of what masking entails - thank you so much. I've been allowing myself to step out of social situations or not fully participate more, and it's agonising at times but feels so much better for my nervous system. Particularly not doing things that feel inauthentic to me. This is easier with people who don't already have a fully formed idea of who I am, and trickier with those I've been masking with for years.
There's an upcoming family/ friends visit that I'm dreading for all the reasons you describe. Having read your post, I feel more empowered to advocate for my needs even beforehand. And what an amazing ally you have in Andrew!
Oh yes! Everything you are saying absolutely resonates for me! I’m writing a novel sort of about this, just started posting excerpts on substack under the tab ‘the watcher / the aloneness’.
Wow, really great summary of what it's like socializing as a neurodivergent. I have the same troubles. Not only with my husband's family but mine as well. I'm always so exhausted afterwards and ready to come home sooner than we planned.
I related to this so much!! I spent years in quite severe burnout (I just now feel I'm starting to get out of it). It wasn't until I realized how much energy/functioning capability socializing takes for me that I was able to really start to recover. For years, I had gotten advice from neurotypicals that recovery is about not doing work but seeing your friends regularly, going to the pub, etc. Since I didn't know I was autistic until 4 years ago, I took this advice. It wasn't until I realized that in order to recover I need to focus on special interest projects (like writing) and NOT socializing (at least not in groups, and not putting too many social engagements on my calendar) that I really started to feel better.
I am wrestling with such similar feelings at the moment and (funny enough) my own neurotypical partner is also called Andrew! Now that I’ve made the realisation that I’m an autistic ADHDer, I pay more attention to my energy levels during social interactions and I have similar conversations with my partner about how much my brain is taking in, in situations that just flow naturally for him. I’m finding it difficult to let go of the internalised ableism that tells me that I should be able to do it all, everything I used to push through, and not be exhausted by it.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I can relate to your experience, and it's so good to hear someone else saying what it's like. I'm often afraid to ask for what I need because it seems like so much compared to what other people need. And sometimes it is, but I still need it. I'm trying to learn to be OK with being less able than others. Your words help.
It feels so good when someone else has the magic ability to map out the acute stress of things that are meant to be fun, and indeed are fun for others. This articulation is everything.
I can really relate to this, Charlie, except I foolishly don't always take myself out of situations that end up being too much for me, often because I am far away from home and reliant on public transport to get me home. I am very glad that you saw that you needed to leave early and did just that. I am going to try and be better with myself with the same things because we most definitely are different, not less.
Thank you for sharing! I can really relate to the need for a debrief post big social event, and the self analysis. Scanning back and wondering whether I said something wrong/ offended anyone/ questioning if someone could took something the wrong way... Makes them tiring for sureeee
I can relate to this, especially the part that says “I am working on letting it be okay that I am less able than others”. This is also where I am at the moment.
What I find frustrating is that all this leads me to be inconsistent with everything, even with hobbies and things that I normally enjoy. The more inputs and stress I have, the less I am able to do, even daily simple tasks. There was a time where I had so much stress at work that when I was at home all I could do was staring at the wall for an entire day with my head full of things I can’t even explain.
Balancing the energy between work and free time is kinda challenging for me.
This is a really great piece - much of it I can relate to. I often find in large gatherings I have to seek out one person I feel comfortable with and talk to them. Like you touched on socializing as a neurodivergent person requires so much extra processing. Thanks for sharing!
This is a really beautifully written post. My elderly parent self-diagnosed as autistic a couple of years ago, and I really felt her social struggles mirroring what you have described, especially this:
"I have to make sure I’ve not done anything strenuous or outside of my usual routine for at least a week beforehand, I have to pack as many of my comfort items that I need to have any possibility of being able to sleep, I have to follow the schedule I created and hope nothing changes (else it’ll be very deregulating for my nervous system), I have to enquire about plans for the weekend ahead of time and hope people stick to them - all whilst socialising for longer and with more people than my brain can keep up with."
My mother has experienced a lot of pain in her life. Thank you for sharing your world. It helps me understand mine a little better.
Can you imagine how a neurotypical would cope if their brain suddenly worked like ours! I don't think we're less able, I think we are dealing with a lot more! I'm also working on leaving things early/adapting so I can do things on my terms both for my chronic illness and Audhd. I've just posted about turning FOMO into JOMO
Incredibly articulated - especially your description of what masking entails - thank you so much. I've been allowing myself to step out of social situations or not fully participate more, and it's agonising at times but feels so much better for my nervous system. Particularly not doing things that feel inauthentic to me. This is easier with people who don't already have a fully formed idea of who I am, and trickier with those I've been masking with for years.
There's an upcoming family/ friends visit that I'm dreading for all the reasons you describe. Having read your post, I feel more empowered to advocate for my needs even beforehand. And what an amazing ally you have in Andrew!
Oh yes! Everything you are saying absolutely resonates for me! I’m writing a novel sort of about this, just started posting excerpts on substack under the tab ‘the watcher / the aloneness’.
Wow, really great summary of what it's like socializing as a neurodivergent. I have the same troubles. Not only with my husband's family but mine as well. I'm always so exhausted afterwards and ready to come home sooner than we planned.
I related to this so much!! I spent years in quite severe burnout (I just now feel I'm starting to get out of it). It wasn't until I realized how much energy/functioning capability socializing takes for me that I was able to really start to recover. For years, I had gotten advice from neurotypicals that recovery is about not doing work but seeing your friends regularly, going to the pub, etc. Since I didn't know I was autistic until 4 years ago, I took this advice. It wasn't until I realized that in order to recover I need to focus on special interest projects (like writing) and NOT socializing (at least not in groups, and not putting too many social engagements on my calendar) that I really started to feel better.
People don’t think about social events after they’ve happened????? 🤯🤯🤯🤯
I am wrestling with such similar feelings at the moment and (funny enough) my own neurotypical partner is also called Andrew! Now that I’ve made the realisation that I’m an autistic ADHDer, I pay more attention to my energy levels during social interactions and I have similar conversations with my partner about how much my brain is taking in, in situations that just flow naturally for him. I’m finding it difficult to let go of the internalised ableism that tells me that I should be able to do it all, everything I used to push through, and not be exhausted by it.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I can relate to your experience, and it's so good to hear someone else saying what it's like. I'm often afraid to ask for what I need because it seems like so much compared to what other people need. And sometimes it is, but I still need it. I'm trying to learn to be OK with being less able than others. Your words help.