Hi, I'm Charlie & I'm a workaholic

Hyper-independence, success, control, suppression & self-worth

I last wrote to you with a life update that included mention of my incessant drive to work to prove my value and how navigating that is proving tricky whilst trying to reincorporate some sort of ‘work’ into my life post autistic burnout.

A life update

This week I had intended to dive deeper into this topic by sharing my intentions for the small business I am brainstorming. But I’m going to save that for next week because first I’d like to share a bit of the inner turmoil I’m experiencing whilst even considering the first steps of returning to ‘work’.

Hyper-independence

If I don’t go back to work I will be financially dependent upon my husband. The fact that I have a loving husband who supports me financially makes me lucky, but I find it hard to appreciate this when one of the ways I survived a lifetime of trauma was through hyper-independence.

I started working when I was at school, first as a receptionist at a dental clinic, then as a receptionist at a hairdressers, and I also volunteered at Oxfam. I got ‘poached’ from the dental clinic by the owner of the hairdressers (who was a regular client for her kids dentistry) because of my work ethic. It’s not uncommon to have a job at this age, but it was in my area - I was the only one of my peers at school who I knew to have a weekend job. Later, when I was at University, I worked at a pub, and of course eventually started my ‘big girl’ career in law.

Success

I went to school with successful girls, to university with successful women, and I am surrounded by friends who lead fulfilling home lives whilst maintaining successful careers. Or, at least, this is how I perceive things.

The women in my family have always worked hard and although I was raised in a middle-class family the generations prior to my parents were self-made so the anticipation of losing it all was something I felt strongly growing up.

The option that I wouldn’t be financially independent after leaving home was never considered, and the ideas of success I had been raised around were so tied to making money that it never occurred to me to ask myself what would be ‘enough’.

Control

When I started making money, aside from ADHD-fuelled splurges, I was pretty frugal and saved as much as I could. Money represented safety to me; if I had my own money, I could be in control of my own environment.

Unarguably money provides safety and control. But in a situation like mine at present, where I find myself in a healthy loving marriage with no need to work but a drive to do so to sustain financial autonomy, I find myself asking ‘why do I fear losing control’?

Well, because it’s a trauma response - but let’s dig a little deeper.

If I were not multiply-disabled, a CPTSD survivor, and in autistic burnout recovery I wouldn’t think twice - I would be in work right now. But I can’t maintain traditional employment without neglecting my needs and in turn becoming mentally unwell and unable to function in day-to-day life.

For the sake of working for money to maintain a sense of ‘control’, I lose the ability to prepare my meals, wash my clothes, tidy my house, be emotionally present for my husband, and see my friends. History has proven this - I wouldn’t be in this position now had I not neglected my needs and pushed myself to work as hard as I have done since I was a child.

So I find myself considering the question ‘what is more important to me’? The control financial independence brings me or being able to function free of health issues? When I put it like that the answer seems obvious, but emotionally it’s a battle every day to heal my trauma responses and accept that I can’t have it all.

Suppression

I am not embarrassed to admit that I am a workaholic. Maybe that is a symptom of the issue here - I like to be seen to work a lot, because it gives me some form of validation.

When I look back over my life I see that I used work as a way to bury the pain of everyday life, and prove to myself and the people around me that I am worthy. In a work-obsessed society where saying you don’t like work or don’t want to work or feel you can’t work is shunned, doubtless this is common.

In fact I know it is, I see it everywhere - I, too, learned it from somewhere.

Self-worth

Working to prove yourself is a never-ending game. You don’t get to a certain level of wealth, prestige, or position on the corporate ladder and suddenly feel worthy. Self-worth can only come from the inside - from believing you are worthy regardless of your circumstances.

If proving myself to others (and to myself!) is not the reason for working, then what is? This is the question I bring myself back to when I find myself getting sucked up in thoughts and behaviours that are motivated by my workaholic tendencies.

The answer is really simple: to help you.

That sounds cheesy, but it’s the truth - the real heartfelt reason why I am considering starting this brand is because I want to help people on their rewilding journey in the ways I would have appreciated when I first started out.

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These are but a few of the open-ended topics around work that are swirling around the crevasses of my mind right now. As I write to you I see a theme emerging that holds promise for an approach to work that allows for it without subsuming me in it - and that is confidence. Perhaps I’ll explore this further next time I write to you.

In the meantime, I’d love to read about your experiences of using work as a crutch? And how your relationship to work might have changed over your life? If you are currently unable to work because of your disabilities or health, I’d love to hear how you feel about this.

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Take care,

Charlie Rewilding 🌱 xoxo