TW for SH/ED/suicide ideation/attempts briefly mentioned (no details are given).
Thank you so much for sharing this. I am unable to work full time due to my disabilities and mental health and feel very ashamed at this as "other people have it worse" and the way I come across (the way I speak, the way I look, my "intelligence" etc.) sends a message that I am "not disabled enough". I am aware that I have many privileges and am very, very grateful for the position I am in but as I study (I went back to university for postgraduate studies) part time, work once or twice a month as an expert by experience I find that even this overwhelms me triggering mental health and meltdowns. The pressure from society and even my loved ones is that I will return to work full time as I am "capable" but the only way I managed beforehand was through self-harm, Bulimia and every so often (3 or 4 times a year sometimes more) taking an OD. I love working especially when it's for my community (previously as a support worker or TA for neurodivergent disabled individuals and hopefully in the future as a therapist) and I strongly desire to help others (above the feeling of worthiness I get from being a "productive" member of society) but learning to, as you have so eloquently written Charlie, be healthy and listen/accommodate my needs whilst managing the household/executive functioning needs, being present for your loved ones AND progress in a chosen career is a dangerous tightrope balance. Thank you for putting what I am experiencing into words and sharing these words, not only is it incredibly brave but it helps those who are experiencing similar issues (like myself) feel not so alone and therefore not act on urges! THANK YOU CHARLIE♡♡♡
Gah this! Thank you so much for writing this. I'm also working through CPTSD and a sudden ADHD diagnosis 3 months ago (I'm 37) and I took a year off work but was too ill to do much processing at that time, have been working again for about 18 months and working on myself but something still doesn't feel right work wise. Coming from a family where nobody worked, I was determined to 'break the cycle;' I would work sometimes 60 hours a week and would delight in telling people I hadn't had a sick day in nearly a decade! I have no idea what needs to happen next but just hearing other people grappling with the same is really helpful. Thank you so much.
ps. The hyper independence/finance/power imbalance in relationships issue is I'd say the most massive one for me, would love to hear more about your journey with that.
Thank you for sharing, and I am somewhere on this journey myself too! I had multiple burnout cycles over 10 years and I've just taken a year off work to travel. I've learned for the first time how to have a sense of identity without work (that was a bit of a battle) but I'm now facing going back to work in the next few months. I'm excited to because I love work and being productive, but I'm definitely nervous about whether I'll be able to hold my own boundaries, not invest too much and retain the rest of my life as being the most important thing. Sounds like you will be going through something similar and looking forward to hearing how you navigate it.
Honestly, I’m right there with you! Experiencing a similar thought process right now, with slightly different circumstances. It’s been really challenging to try and find self confidence in non-work things, while, in my situation, also feeling the financial pressure of a single income household. I’ve always been an achievement or goal oriented person, and rewiring those tendencies is HARD! The thing that I’ve been trying really hard to do is keep hobbies for me and not try and find a way to make all the things I find fun or give me a boost of confidence into my job. Things can just exist to give me joy—and a lot of the time, the things that do are helping me rebuild my sense of self and confidence ✨
Finding joy in hobbies has been such a struggle for me too. Seems like so many of us were beaten over the head with ‘make money doing something you love’ which in turn made us try and make money off every hobby we had. This having no hobbies that brought us joy anymore. This past year I have worked at letting that go and it’s no easy task. That little voice in the back of my mind is always like ‘if we just listed this…’.
I’m glad you are starting to find joy in hobbies again :)
oof, this! it's such a struggle not to want/try to monetize hobbies or have them exist in some "purposeful" way, because i'm like, "if i could maybe i'd feel better!" but, like, our hobbies can just be a thing that brings us joy and that makes them worthy all by itself <3
For sure! Especially with the dawn of social media creators being craft or art focused, it can be so tempting to try and reframe something that has its own value separate from a 'job' into something that only exists to create income. I keep having to remind myself that I won't like it anymore if I do that and I'll be back at square one!
I feel this post Charlie so so much. I also was a workaholic. Last year I left my job behind because of burnout and I am still dealing with the aftermath (very successful career, spectacular burnout and double ADHD and ASD diagnosis). I am very very privileged because I was able to take time off, but I am still not OK and I feel so behind when I compare myself to other people of my age (I am 42). I am about to start a big career change (with all the consequences attached to it: starting over, self-doubt, fatigue, etc..) and that workaholic part of me is slowly coming back. I struggle to find people to talk to about this because around me I am the only one who has burned out despite having many ND friends. Plus, they are all from my previous career and you can imagine how much it hurts to see that they can get by and I couldn't (rationally I know they have different circumstances, but still I beat myself up for it). I feel that I am missing the secret "to make it and have it all". Thank you so much for sharing, it really matters to all of us <3
I’ve taken some time off work to recover from neurodivergent burn out, carrer burnout and depression. I’m now financially reliant on my husband, the first time I’ve been financially reliant on another person since I was a teen… It’s been hard not becoming a house workaholic and putting rest as a priority. But also the pride in myself, I feel like I’m less of a feminist by not working. 💚
I've been working since I was 16 and always saw it as a form of independence. Once I started working I expected to pay for most of the things I wanted/needed outside of room and board (which has made me hyper-independent). Now that I've been in both corporate and service jobs, I realize how much independence you lose when working for large companies kind of like you said about losing the ability to do things outside of work.
I wholeheartedly support your decision to start your own business and I hope to do the same soon. Can't wait to see what comes next and I pray this gives you what your heart desires❤️
Thank you for sharing Charlie! Something that really resonates with me is this idea that in a way, we "could" work, like it isn't physically impossible, but it would mean sacrificing our well being, a and our mental health. In my case, as a chronically ill person, also my physical health. Like you know how working full time affects you, I saw this happen in my burnout during my PhD, and when I tried to work part-time last year. Yet, it's hard to really grasp the reality because there are good days, and good weeks.
I think I have also used work as a measure of self-worth, but I would say that "giving everything" is a more accurate description. To me it's more that I feel worthy when I have done and given everything that I can. I think it is also a reason why I still feel that I "could" work. My PhD and that part-time job were very specific conditions, I can't help but feel that perhaps, there is another full-time or part-time job out there that I "could" do without damaging my health. Like I haven't tried all the options, I haven't done everything I can. Part of me knows that I wouldn't last long and that it would just worsen my current symptoms.
For now, I am just trying to absorb the idea that preserving my health is the most important, even if it means financially depending on my partner and my family (and I have that luxury). Not giving my body enough time to rest would be neglecting my health. And neglecting my health as someone with an autoimmune illness could mean developing other autoimmune diseases, and even diabetes and cardiovascular diseases.
I relate to this so much. Just in the last couple of weeks I have requested accommodations from my employer that would reduce my number of weekly hours and allow me to primarily work from home during my burnout recovery. I am so thankful that they agreed to my request, and that my reduced salary will not have a significant impact on our overall income.
It was my first time asking for substantial accommodations, and while I am proud of myself for voicing my needs, I'm also feeling an equal level of defeat. This is primarily related to the intense need to be financially independent from my spouse, but knowing that that is not something I am capable of at the moment (this desire is driven by my own personal financial trauma, and not at all a reflection of our relationship.)
Like you, I am also in my early 30's and essentially dedicated my entire 20's to earning a degree (architecture) and establishing my career. I've realized that I have been in survival model for the last 10 years in order to achieve all of the things I was "supposed" to - graduate college, start a career, buy a house, get married, etc. - and as soon as I checked all of the boxes off my to-do list the burn out began. Now that my focus is shifting back to myself, there's an entire journey of self-discovery that needs to take place because I have equated my worth to my ability to work and be productive for so long.
In the same boat as you, as someone who is financially dependent on my husband (I also receive some government assistance for being a student in tertiary education). Lots I resonate with here...
Charlie, I love how you’re reframing work around helping others rather than proving yourself—it’s such a powerful shift. Finding balance between health and autonomy isn’t easy, but your awareness and honesty are so inspiring. Thank you for sharing—it’s a reminder that we’re not alone in navigating these struggles.
Definitely dealing with some of the same over here, so thanks so much for voicing this stuff.
One thing I feel very clearly in my journey here is guilt/shame about not working "hard." I just finished a year basically off work (although that's not entirely true, I was working, just 15 hours a week instead of 15 hours a day, seriously, being a workaholic is no joke) and I'm entering another one where I could cash out more savings and continue with my slower pace... But there's guilt about being in a position to do that -- is it fair that a 35-year-old able to take off nearly two years in the middle of her life? And there's shame in not having idk accomplished the thing I took off to focus on (a memoir, which is coming together nicely, but just not as quickly as I assumed, although I'll also say I think I took off with that a an excuse of some sort, of course I want to write it but I was also just terribly burned out of my career).
Anyway, that's where I'm currently at here in January 2025.
I have been unable to work for three years because of a brain injury, as well as other health conditions that have rendered me disabled. How I feel about this is that I wish for it to be temporary.
I had my first paid job when I was 11 years old, and I feel like I have done nothing but struggle financially. I'm considering going back to work because I can't fathom another decade of just barely making it. At the same time, like you, if I do everything else suffers.
I work very hard on my mental attitude, and try to lean into the fact that despite having lost any savings I had prior to my injury, I am in my own way very lucky. For me, perspective is critical and it also takes a large effort to maintain a good outlook.
I can definitely relate! Being a workaholic complimented my teaching career perfectly... until it didn't! My mental health started deteriorating and my tolerance of being surrounded by the sensory stimulation created by lots of wonderful young beings waned dramatically... And I kept pushing through until massive burnout hit and I spent weeks curled up in a ball! Eventually I got an AuDHD diagnosis. Thankfully (ish) you were going through something very similar at the same time, Charlie and I was so grateful that you could articulate what was also going on for me!
If you can be you, then I can be me!
Thank you Charlie - you really make such a difference!!
As for now - I walk dogs - and there's only so many walks my body will tolerate. I try to chill out in between times, but I need to fill this time with a bit of this and that: crochet, reading, TV, baking... And sometimes I find I overcommit to myself and I fall into the same traps... It's still definitely a work in progress!
TW for SH/ED/suicide ideation/attempts briefly mentioned (no details are given).
Thank you so much for sharing this. I am unable to work full time due to my disabilities and mental health and feel very ashamed at this as "other people have it worse" and the way I come across (the way I speak, the way I look, my "intelligence" etc.) sends a message that I am "not disabled enough". I am aware that I have many privileges and am very, very grateful for the position I am in but as I study (I went back to university for postgraduate studies) part time, work once or twice a month as an expert by experience I find that even this overwhelms me triggering mental health and meltdowns. The pressure from society and even my loved ones is that I will return to work full time as I am "capable" but the only way I managed beforehand was through self-harm, Bulimia and every so often (3 or 4 times a year sometimes more) taking an OD. I love working especially when it's for my community (previously as a support worker or TA for neurodivergent disabled individuals and hopefully in the future as a therapist) and I strongly desire to help others (above the feeling of worthiness I get from being a "productive" member of society) but learning to, as you have so eloquently written Charlie, be healthy and listen/accommodate my needs whilst managing the household/executive functioning needs, being present for your loved ones AND progress in a chosen career is a dangerous tightrope balance. Thank you for putting what I am experiencing into words and sharing these words, not only is it incredibly brave but it helps those who are experiencing similar issues (like myself) feel not so alone and therefore not act on urges! THANK YOU CHARLIE♡♡♡
Gah this! Thank you so much for writing this. I'm also working through CPTSD and a sudden ADHD diagnosis 3 months ago (I'm 37) and I took a year off work but was too ill to do much processing at that time, have been working again for about 18 months and working on myself but something still doesn't feel right work wise. Coming from a family where nobody worked, I was determined to 'break the cycle;' I would work sometimes 60 hours a week and would delight in telling people I hadn't had a sick day in nearly a decade! I have no idea what needs to happen next but just hearing other people grappling with the same is really helpful. Thank you so much.
ps. The hyper independence/finance/power imbalance in relationships issue is I'd say the most massive one for me, would love to hear more about your journey with that.
Thank you for sharing, and I am somewhere on this journey myself too! I had multiple burnout cycles over 10 years and I've just taken a year off work to travel. I've learned for the first time how to have a sense of identity without work (that was a bit of a battle) but I'm now facing going back to work in the next few months. I'm excited to because I love work and being productive, but I'm definitely nervous about whether I'll be able to hold my own boundaries, not invest too much and retain the rest of my life as being the most important thing. Sounds like you will be going through something similar and looking forward to hearing how you navigate it.
Honestly, I’m right there with you! Experiencing a similar thought process right now, with slightly different circumstances. It’s been really challenging to try and find self confidence in non-work things, while, in my situation, also feeling the financial pressure of a single income household. I’ve always been an achievement or goal oriented person, and rewiring those tendencies is HARD! The thing that I’ve been trying really hard to do is keep hobbies for me and not try and find a way to make all the things I find fun or give me a boost of confidence into my job. Things can just exist to give me joy—and a lot of the time, the things that do are helping me rebuild my sense of self and confidence ✨
Finding joy in hobbies has been such a struggle for me too. Seems like so many of us were beaten over the head with ‘make money doing something you love’ which in turn made us try and make money off every hobby we had. This having no hobbies that brought us joy anymore. This past year I have worked at letting that go and it’s no easy task. That little voice in the back of my mind is always like ‘if we just listed this…’.
I’m glad you are starting to find joy in hobbies again :)
oof, this! it's such a struggle not to want/try to monetize hobbies or have them exist in some "purposeful" way, because i'm like, "if i could maybe i'd feel better!" but, like, our hobbies can just be a thing that brings us joy and that makes them worthy all by itself <3
For sure! Especially with the dawn of social media creators being craft or art focused, it can be so tempting to try and reframe something that has its own value separate from a 'job' into something that only exists to create income. I keep having to remind myself that I won't like it anymore if I do that and I'll be back at square one!
I feel this post Charlie so so much. I also was a workaholic. Last year I left my job behind because of burnout and I am still dealing with the aftermath (very successful career, spectacular burnout and double ADHD and ASD diagnosis). I am very very privileged because I was able to take time off, but I am still not OK and I feel so behind when I compare myself to other people of my age (I am 42). I am about to start a big career change (with all the consequences attached to it: starting over, self-doubt, fatigue, etc..) and that workaholic part of me is slowly coming back. I struggle to find people to talk to about this because around me I am the only one who has burned out despite having many ND friends. Plus, they are all from my previous career and you can imagine how much it hurts to see that they can get by and I couldn't (rationally I know they have different circumstances, but still I beat myself up for it). I feel that I am missing the secret "to make it and have it all". Thank you so much for sharing, it really matters to all of us <3
I’ve taken some time off work to recover from neurodivergent burn out, carrer burnout and depression. I’m now financially reliant on my husband, the first time I’ve been financially reliant on another person since I was a teen… It’s been hard not becoming a house workaholic and putting rest as a priority. But also the pride in myself, I feel like I’m less of a feminist by not working. 💚
I've been working since I was 16 and always saw it as a form of independence. Once I started working I expected to pay for most of the things I wanted/needed outside of room and board (which has made me hyper-independent). Now that I've been in both corporate and service jobs, I realize how much independence you lose when working for large companies kind of like you said about losing the ability to do things outside of work.
I wholeheartedly support your decision to start your own business and I hope to do the same soon. Can't wait to see what comes next and I pray this gives you what your heart desires❤️
Thank you for sharing Charlie! Something that really resonates with me is this idea that in a way, we "could" work, like it isn't physically impossible, but it would mean sacrificing our well being, a and our mental health. In my case, as a chronically ill person, also my physical health. Like you know how working full time affects you, I saw this happen in my burnout during my PhD, and when I tried to work part-time last year. Yet, it's hard to really grasp the reality because there are good days, and good weeks.
I think I have also used work as a measure of self-worth, but I would say that "giving everything" is a more accurate description. To me it's more that I feel worthy when I have done and given everything that I can. I think it is also a reason why I still feel that I "could" work. My PhD and that part-time job were very specific conditions, I can't help but feel that perhaps, there is another full-time or part-time job out there that I "could" do without damaging my health. Like I haven't tried all the options, I haven't done everything I can. Part of me knows that I wouldn't last long and that it would just worsen my current symptoms.
For now, I am just trying to absorb the idea that preserving my health is the most important, even if it means financially depending on my partner and my family (and I have that luxury). Not giving my body enough time to rest would be neglecting my health. And neglecting my health as someone with an autoimmune illness could mean developing other autoimmune diseases, and even diabetes and cardiovascular diseases.
I relate to this so much. Just in the last couple of weeks I have requested accommodations from my employer that would reduce my number of weekly hours and allow me to primarily work from home during my burnout recovery. I am so thankful that they agreed to my request, and that my reduced salary will not have a significant impact on our overall income.
It was my first time asking for substantial accommodations, and while I am proud of myself for voicing my needs, I'm also feeling an equal level of defeat. This is primarily related to the intense need to be financially independent from my spouse, but knowing that that is not something I am capable of at the moment (this desire is driven by my own personal financial trauma, and not at all a reflection of our relationship.)
Like you, I am also in my early 30's and essentially dedicated my entire 20's to earning a degree (architecture) and establishing my career. I've realized that I have been in survival model for the last 10 years in order to achieve all of the things I was "supposed" to - graduate college, start a career, buy a house, get married, etc. - and as soon as I checked all of the boxes off my to-do list the burn out began. Now that my focus is shifting back to myself, there's an entire journey of self-discovery that needs to take place because I have equated my worth to my ability to work and be productive for so long.
In the same boat as you, as someone who is financially dependent on my husband (I also receive some government assistance for being a student in tertiary education). Lots I resonate with here...
Charlie, I love how you’re reframing work around helping others rather than proving yourself—it’s such a powerful shift. Finding balance between health and autonomy isn’t easy, but your awareness and honesty are so inspiring. Thank you for sharing—it’s a reminder that we’re not alone in navigating these struggles.
Definitely dealing with some of the same over here, so thanks so much for voicing this stuff.
One thing I feel very clearly in my journey here is guilt/shame about not working "hard." I just finished a year basically off work (although that's not entirely true, I was working, just 15 hours a week instead of 15 hours a day, seriously, being a workaholic is no joke) and I'm entering another one where I could cash out more savings and continue with my slower pace... But there's guilt about being in a position to do that -- is it fair that a 35-year-old able to take off nearly two years in the middle of her life? And there's shame in not having idk accomplished the thing I took off to focus on (a memoir, which is coming together nicely, but just not as quickly as I assumed, although I'll also say I think I took off with that a an excuse of some sort, of course I want to write it but I was also just terribly burned out of my career).
Anyway, that's where I'm currently at here in January 2025.
I have been unable to work for three years because of a brain injury, as well as other health conditions that have rendered me disabled. How I feel about this is that I wish for it to be temporary.
I had my first paid job when I was 11 years old, and I feel like I have done nothing but struggle financially. I'm considering going back to work because I can't fathom another decade of just barely making it. At the same time, like you, if I do everything else suffers.
I work very hard on my mental attitude, and try to lean into the fact that despite having lost any savings I had prior to my injury, I am in my own way very lucky. For me, perspective is critical and it also takes a large effort to maintain a good outlook.
I can definitely relate! Being a workaholic complimented my teaching career perfectly... until it didn't! My mental health started deteriorating and my tolerance of being surrounded by the sensory stimulation created by lots of wonderful young beings waned dramatically... And I kept pushing through until massive burnout hit and I spent weeks curled up in a ball! Eventually I got an AuDHD diagnosis. Thankfully (ish) you were going through something very similar at the same time, Charlie and I was so grateful that you could articulate what was also going on for me!
If you can be you, then I can be me!
Thank you Charlie - you really make such a difference!!
As for now - I walk dogs - and there's only so many walks my body will tolerate. I try to chill out in between times, but I need to fill this time with a bit of this and that: crochet, reading, TV, baking... And sometimes I find I overcommit to myself and I fall into the same traps... It's still definitely a work in progress!
Firm pressure hugs to all 🫂🫂🫂