Why nervous system regulation isn't enough

(and what actually works)

I last wrote to you about being a workaholic.

Hi, I'm Charlie & I'm a workaholic

Today I share my thoughts on why nervous system regulation isn’t enough to fix issues like toxic work environments, and what actually works.

Regulation only goes so far

You can regulate your nervous system all you like, but unless your fundamental needs are being met, it’s not going to change your life. This idea has been a huge realisation for me over the past few years. As someone who is autistic and has ADHD (AuDHD), I’ve spent a lot of time learning about nervous system regulation and trying different tools to manage my mental health and burnout.

I was doing this even before knowing I am AuDHD by making yoga and meditation a daily go-to after work. And while those tools have been extremely helpful in acute circumstances, especially for dealing with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) flare-ups, I’ve learned that they only go so far if my basic needs aren’t being met. Let me share my perspective on this, based on my own lived experience.

What are fundamental needs?

Fundamental needs are the essential elements required for physical, emotional, and psychological safety. They are what allow us to thrive as human beings, and without them, our bodies and minds can remain in a state of survival. The framework I like to use for understanding these needs is Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, a pyramid that organises human needs into five levels:

1. Physiological Needs: Food, water, sleep, shelter, and rest—the absolute basics required for survival.

2. Safety Needs: Physical and financial security, health, and a stable environment.

3. Love and Belonging: Connection, friendship, intimacy, and community.

4. Esteem: Self-worth, confidence, respect from others, and a sense of accomplishment.

5. Self-Actualisation: Personal growth, creativity, and achieving one’s full potential.

For me, the first three levels—physiological needs, safety, and belonging—are especially crucial. When those needs are unmet, my nervous system feels stuck in overdrive in the long-term, no matter how much I try to regulate. And, as I’ve learned, meeting these needs as an AuDHD person often looks a little different than it does for neurotypical people.

For example, what feels like a basic routine for someone else might require a significant amount of planning and energy for me. My sensory sensitivities mean that I might need specific tools, like noise-canceling headphones or dim lighting, to create a safe environment. My relationship with food often involves safe foods and easy-to-make meals because executive dysfunction can make cooking overwhelming. Connection also looks different—I thrive with a few deep, meaningful relationships rather than a large social network, and I need plenty of alone time to recharge.

These needs aren’t flaws, but for a long while I believed them to be because I didn’t know why. Now I understand I am AuDHD they form a fundamental part of my day-to-day life.

Why nervous system regulation alone isn’t enough

Nervous system regulation practices like deep breathing, mindfulness, and grounding exercises are incredibly useful for managing acute stress. I frequently use them during overwhelming moments. But here’s the thing: they’re not a magic fix. They can help reduce the intensity of the moment, but they don’t address the root causes of why you’re feeling dysregulated in the first place.

Let me share an example from my own life. I remember a time when I was juggling too much—working long hours in a psychologically damaging environment, not seeing my friends, continuously prioritising the wellbeing of others over myself, skipping meals, living in unsuitable flat shares, and barely sleeping.

I felt anxious all the time, so I started doing breathing exercises and grounding techniques to calm myself down. They helped in the moment, but the anxiety always came back. Why? Because my body was still operating in survival mode. I wasn’t sleeping enough, I wasn't connecting with loved ones enough, I wasn’t living in an appropriate environment, I wasn’t eating regularly, I wasn’t resting.

I was completely overwhelmed. No amount of deep breathing could fix the fact that my fundamental needs were going unmet.

This is something I see so often in conversations about nervous system regulation. We’re told to focus on techniques, but rarely encouraged to ask ourselves: is my body actually getting what it needs to feel safe? If the answer is no, in my experience regulation tools can feel like trying to patch up a sinking ship.

The chronic mismatch of needs

Now, I want to be clear: it’s impossible to meet your needs 100% of the time. Life is messy, and there will always be moments when something’s out of balance. The real issue is when there’s a chronic mismatch between your needs and the reality of your life. For example, if you’re constantly sacrificing sleep to meet work demands, or if you’re in an environment that’s consistently overstimulating, your body will stay in a state of stress. Over time, this mismatch can lead to burnout, anxiety, and even physical illness.

Intersecting identities and experiences can make meeting fundamental needs even more challenging. I talk about disability being AuDHD a lot, but socio-economic status, race, gender, and access to resources all play a profound role in determining how easily we can meet our needs. If a person has multiple of these identities, the likelihood is that they will be less able to meet their needs by themselves without a change in the system in which they operate.

For example, systemic racism and discrimination can create unsafe environments and unequal access to work and housing. Financial insecurity might mean struggling to access food consistently or affording stable housing. Gender expectations can add layers of pressure, especially when caregiving roles or societal norms conflict with personal well-being. For those of us with AuDHD, these intersecting challenges can amplify the difficulty of navigating a world that already doesn’t accommodate our needs.

There are many reasons why many of us struggle to meet our needs within society as AuDHDers. We live in a world that prioritises productivity over well-being and often dismisses our unique needs when they don’t conform to societal expectations. General support from the government as well as things like sensory-friendly spaces, flexible work environments, and support for executive dysfunction are still not widely available. So, if you’re finding it hard to meet your needs, know that it’s not your fault. The system isn’t designed to support us, and that’s something we need to advocate for and work to change.

How to balance regulation and fundamental needs

For me, healing has been about finding a balance between using nervous system regulation tools and addressing my unmet needs where I am able to. Here’s what that looks like in practice:

1. Identify Your Unmet Needs Start by asking yourself: What’s missing? Are you sleeping enough? Eating regularly? Feeling connected to others? I’ve found it helpful to journal about these questions or even make a checklist of basic needs to review regularly.

2. Start Small It’s easy to feel overwhelmed when you realise how many needs might be unmet. Focus on one or two areas at a time that are within your control. For example, I started by setting reminders to eat meals and creating a wind-down routine for better sleep.

3. Pair Regulation with Action Use regulation tools to support you as you work to meet your needs. For example, I’ll use grounding exercises to stay calm while tackling tasks I find overwhelming, like cooking or planning.

4. Reassess Regularly Needs can change depending on your circumstances, so it’s important to check in with yourself regularly. What worked last month might not be enough this month, and that’s okay.

Asking for help: a necessary and courageous step

One of the most important things I’ve learned on this journey is that sometimes we can’t meet all our needs on our own—and that’s okay. Our support needs can change from day to day, depending on our energy levels, environment, or stressors. Learning to ask for help is one of the most courageous things we can do, especially as AuDHDers who often have a history of trauma. There should be no shame in leaning on others when we need it, but I know it’s easier said than done.

For a long time, I felt like I had to handle everything myself. I thought asking for help was a sign of weakness or that it made me a burden - and experience as a child and young adult taught me that it was safer to get along with things on my own. But the truth is, humans are wired for connection and mutual support. Whether it’s asking a friend to help with a task you find overwhelming, seeking guidance from a therapist, or simply venting to someone who understands, reaching out to someone you know you can trust can make all the difference.

This isn’t always easy, especially in a world that values independence and self-sufficiency, if you've learned to cope with trauma through hyper-independence, or if you don’t feel you have anyone who you can ask. If this is you right now, know that I understand and a starting point could be simply finding a local support group.

Final thoughts

Nervous system regulation is a powerful tool, but it’s not the whole story. Lasting change comes from addressing both the symptoms of dysregulation and the root causes. For many of us, that means prioritising our fundamental needs—to the extent we individually can in a world that makes it hard to do so. It’s not about perfection; it’s about progress. Start small, be kind to yourself, and remember: you deserve to have your needs met.

And don’t forget, meeting your needs isn’t something you have to do alone. Accepting help from others is not a weakness—it’s a strength. It’s a way of showing yourself the care and compassion you truly deserve.

If this resonates with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts. What’s one need you’ve been neglecting, that you have agency to meet, and how might you start meeting it? Is there someone you can ask to support you in the process?

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Until next time - take care!

Charlie Rewilding 🌱 xoxo