This is a really useful post, thank you. I worry that so many people are offered ‘coping strategies’ like meditation and breathing techniques, and then feel like they have failed themselves when those things don’t provide a fix. Societies must acknowledge the need for self actualisation is fundamental, otherwise mental health issues will only worsen.
I agree. It took a breakdown for me to realise that there was more going on than just ‘some anxiety’ but my needs have never really been fully met, so didn’t know any better. It doesn’t help that all the nhs really offers is coping strategies- it’s such a privilege to have the time and headspace and money for anything more
An enormous part of nervous system regulation is recognising the information the nervous system is GIVING us as acting on it. Moving away from what feels bad (and needs all these endless self care tools) and towards what feels good and allows us to thrive. Building up our repertoire of the things and people and places and behaviours that support ventral vagal wellness and TAKING ACTION when something is wrong. Especially challenging and essential with CPTSD when nervous systems have been wired to accept toxic abusive situations as normal.
I’ve been doing somatic work with my therapist and it’s been absolutely game changing. It sounds silly now but it never occurred to me that my body was giving me helpful information- I just wanted it to go, so I’d take the temporary fixes and pretend everything was fine. Now I understand how amazing it is that my body tells me what it needs, although I still struggle to recognise it and act on it.
Wonderful. And absolutely. I've been using these approaches personally and professionally for well over a decade and it's STILL a matter of progress not perfection to honour and listen to my body v decades of conditioning to ignore all that wisdom 🪷❤️🌟
I struggling with eating foods that nourish my body. They tend to have more up front costs (prepping, cooking, etc) than less nutritionally dense foods. So I’ve been brainstorming ways to make that easier. This week I bought carrot ‘chips’ that are pre sliced and a dip. Does it replace chips? No. But it’s just as easy to grab as chips and dips.
Thank you Charlie for writing about this. Needs is such an important topic when it comes to healing, mental and physical stability and life in general. I’ve been focusing on that topic for the last couple of months- so much to unlearn…haha
And drawing the distinction between nervous system regulation and actually meeting one’s needs is such a good point. Its like when you break a bone- taking painkillers can help you get through the acute phase but what you actually need is rest and supportive nutrition and at some point productive movement. The painkillers can help you focus on the actual needs that healing requires but they cannot heal the bone itself. And when you take them too long and when you don’t actually need them anymore you can get addicted and use them as a coping mechanism for other issues without even trying to figure out what’s actually going on or even being in pain.
Charlie, I really appreciate how you framed this. It’s like putting a plaster on a wound that keeps reopening—without addressing the root cause, the distress returns. I’ve been there, trying to regulate through burnout, only to realise I was running on empty because my basic needs—rest, connection, safety—weren’t met. We need both: tools for regulation and real, systemic change to truly thrive. Thanks for putting this into words so beautifully 🫶
Wow. Probably your most informed, well-written post yet. I second everything you say here, and considering I've read a lot of health books that advocate for deep breathing, I love that you said "deep breathing couldn't fix the fact that my fundamental needs were going unmet". It's so simple yet so profound, the truth you state that these tools and techniques "don’t address the root causes of why you’re feeling dysregulated in the first place". SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK 📣
It is totally. If we cannot get our basic life needs met..... and we cannot do this all by ourselves..... our nervous system/trauma will not heal. Some of us have a bigger mountain to climb to even get to the place where we can get our basic needs met. I am hoping to get there at some point. I wish the social structure in the USA was more helpful to solo people who struggle. It is frustrating to never be able to relax because our needs are ignored and belittled, as solos. Thanks for your insightful post, I wish everyone could understand this.
Thank you for this post! I've been struggling a bit for support - I was diagnosed as autistic a year ago (aged 33) and there isn't an autistic or neurodivergent group in my workplace, industry or town. Your post has just spurred me on to have another search though, and there is one in my county! I've just enquired about being a member :)
This is a really useful post, thank you. I worry that so many people are offered ‘coping strategies’ like meditation and breathing techniques, and then feel like they have failed themselves when those things don’t provide a fix. Societies must acknowledge the need for self actualisation is fundamental, otherwise mental health issues will only worsen.
I agree. It took a breakdown for me to realise that there was more going on than just ‘some anxiety’ but my needs have never really been fully met, so didn’t know any better. It doesn’t help that all the nhs really offers is coping strategies- it’s such a privilege to have the time and headspace and money for anything more
An enormous part of nervous system regulation is recognising the information the nervous system is GIVING us as acting on it. Moving away from what feels bad (and needs all these endless self care tools) and towards what feels good and allows us to thrive. Building up our repertoire of the things and people and places and behaviours that support ventral vagal wellness and TAKING ACTION when something is wrong. Especially challenging and essential with CPTSD when nervous systems have been wired to accept toxic abusive situations as normal.
I’ve been doing somatic work with my therapist and it’s been absolutely game changing. It sounds silly now but it never occurred to me that my body was giving me helpful information- I just wanted it to go, so I’d take the temporary fixes and pretend everything was fine. Now I understand how amazing it is that my body tells me what it needs, although I still struggle to recognise it and act on it.
Wonderful. And absolutely. I've been using these approaches personally and professionally for well over a decade and it's STILL a matter of progress not perfection to honour and listen to my body v decades of conditioning to ignore all that wisdom 🪷❤️🌟
I struggling with eating foods that nourish my body. They tend to have more up front costs (prepping, cooking, etc) than less nutritionally dense foods. So I’ve been brainstorming ways to make that easier. This week I bought carrot ‘chips’ that are pre sliced and a dip. Does it replace chips? No. But it’s just as easy to grab as chips and dips.
Thank you Charlie for writing about this. Needs is such an important topic when it comes to healing, mental and physical stability and life in general. I’ve been focusing on that topic for the last couple of months- so much to unlearn…haha
And drawing the distinction between nervous system regulation and actually meeting one’s needs is such a good point. Its like when you break a bone- taking painkillers can help you get through the acute phase but what you actually need is rest and supportive nutrition and at some point productive movement. The painkillers can help you focus on the actual needs that healing requires but they cannot heal the bone itself. And when you take them too long and when you don’t actually need them anymore you can get addicted and use them as a coping mechanism for other issues without even trying to figure out what’s actually going on or even being in pain.
Thank you so much, Charlie. I don’t know, your post just hits in all the right spots at the right time for me.
I struggle quite a bit right now on the inside despite “doing all the right tools and things”.
I love the pyramid and will probably journal a bit about what is making the ship sink in the first place 🩹
Big hug to you ☺️
Charlie, I really appreciate how you framed this. It’s like putting a plaster on a wound that keeps reopening—without addressing the root cause, the distress returns. I’ve been there, trying to regulate through burnout, only to realise I was running on empty because my basic needs—rest, connection, safety—weren’t met. We need both: tools for regulation and real, systemic change to truly thrive. Thanks for putting this into words so beautifully 🫶
Deeply resonate with this, as I do so many of your posts! Thanks for sharing x
I just finished listening to Pooja Lakshmin's Real Self-Care on audio this week, and this piece is a perfect follow-up reminder. Thank you.
Wow. Probably your most informed, well-written post yet. I second everything you say here, and considering I've read a lot of health books that advocate for deep breathing, I love that you said "deep breathing couldn't fix the fact that my fundamental needs were going unmet". It's so simple yet so profound, the truth you state that these tools and techniques "don’t address the root causes of why you’re feeling dysregulated in the first place". SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK 📣
It is totally. If we cannot get our basic life needs met..... and we cannot do this all by ourselves..... our nervous system/trauma will not heal. Some of us have a bigger mountain to climb to even get to the place where we can get our basic needs met. I am hoping to get there at some point. I wish the social structure in the USA was more helpful to solo people who struggle. It is frustrating to never be able to relax because our needs are ignored and belittled, as solos. Thanks for your insightful post, I wish everyone could understand this.
Thank you for this post! I've been struggling a bit for support - I was diagnosed as autistic a year ago (aged 33) and there isn't an autistic or neurodivergent group in my workplace, industry or town. Your post has just spurred me on to have another search though, and there is one in my county! I've just enquired about being a member :)